Journey Beyond Survival

I am going to church today. Then I am going to stay home and snuggle read to Miss THANG draw for Beansprout kiss my hubbend I will help Chickadee be quiet for services. Then I will let her explode with obnoxious abandon. We will eat good things. We will nap. I love Sunday.

WEIGHT: 210.6 (-4.4 since last week!) BMI: 29.4 (NO LONGER OBESE, barely ) %BODY FAT: 34.01% (-9.14%!!!!) blurb: wahoooeeee!!!! Kathyj333 posted a comment yesterday that really got me thinking. She commented on how she really related to my profile description. The part where I say that two years of life had generally revealed the person I thought I left behind. It struck me again. I try to be real here on my bloggy. But, there are a few elephants in the room. Since thinking about her comment, I've thought about several facts about myself that I am still trying to leave behind. Hide from. I have lost 30 pounds or more three times in my life. Each time I kept it off for at least two years. It comes back when something life altering occurs. Something negatively life altering. FACT: I have a label I've run away from for ten years. Two years ago a doctor put it on my permanent record. Someone close was diagnosed with bipolar I when I was 18. Close enough biologically th...

Yesterday was another out-of-house day. Miss THANG had ballet. Beansprout had storytime at the library and Chickadee was supposed to have an eye doctor appointment. My bad. I think it was a subconscious slip sabotaging me. My experience there was less than stellar. To top it all off my house was again to be occupied and unavailable. We went shopping. For our very own healthy snack pack for the trunk. I didn't go off! I did not get to exercise, but it was a pretty good day. I've got exercise done today though, and I'm excited for another day. Maybe I'll clean my house (Don't tell Kat and Lisa it isn't clean yet!)

I had a lovely healthy food post planned. Beautiful gorgeous produce. Simple Food, Real Food, and Tasty Food .* It was divine. Why didn't I post it? I derailed again. I have beautiful food in my house. Food I've been lovingly attempting to do justice to. It's been a tool in my box of tricks to get me through this. You know. In the box with the blog diet, and the exercise. Like Lisa pointed out in her blog, I'm standing in my own way. Stress. My house was occupied and I had to be out in a snowstorm for two and a half hours. My kids were sleeping. It was snack time and dinnertime during that time. I blew it because I wanted help with the stress. Better than BEFORE. Not great ever. I may have to pack an emergency stash in my trunk. *Please look at the links! They are really fabulous.

Thanks to Kathyj333 at Fatty Kathy's Weight Loss Journal and (I'm not sure if it was me) Julie at Julie's Journey . I am supposed to list 10 things that make me happy and pass on the award to 10 blogs that make me happy. so. 1. Raspberries blown in my face. (90% of the time anyway) 2. Hugs from little arms 3. Blog comment conversations 4. Kids saying silly things 5. Writing 6. Creating digital picture books 7. Warming my cold feet on my husbands toasty legs 8. Ripe tomatoes 9. Achieving a running goal 10. A clean house Now for 10 Blogs 1. 500 Miles in 2010 2. The Blubber Blog 3. Haute Plates 4. Fresh Foodie's Fitness Blog 5. Melting Candy 6. See Cathy Run 7. Shedding the Fat-Suit 8. The Final 100 9. Discovering Me 10. Doing A 180

I'm fine right? Of course I'm fine. I'm eating, everyone in my house is eating. We're getting the dishes done finally. We're fine. We've even bathed lately. Then why am I not writing anymore? How is it that I am stricken by butterflies anytime a therapist, or doctor, or friend/acquaintance suggests I add something? Where is all my time going? If somebody says time management, I am going to scream. Because somebody is right. And somebody is wrong too. I'm learning to dance the fine line between blind obedience and wisdom on my own. I am starting to know when to follow the Rx to the letter and when to *gasp* toss the stinkin' paper out the window. It's difficult, but I'm getting there. So yeah. I'm fine. Right? I'm fine. Sometimes, it doesn't help to pretend. Not when everyone sees it anyway.

Anybody ever drink from a sprinkler? Or seen a dog do it? That is what it is like to feed my little Chickadee. It's pretty funny. People sitting in front of us at church or even just hazarding to get in line in front of us at the library or grocery store have learned that lesson. Don't cut in line! HA! I realized the other day that my glasses aren't getting spittle on them from some weird reversal of gravity regarding my flossing. Or from my hubbend's flossing. It's from her blowing constant Raspberries in my general direction. Because she loves me. Some people know exactly what I'm talking about. Others are horrified. Then they are even more shocked when I joke about it. It's funny! It's that or be offended. By their inability to understand. By their obvious disdain for my parenting-seriously, babysit for an hour-or our general unkemptness. I could really go on and on, and I've only been in it for a year. I prefer to laugh. I like to t...

Doing something good is sweet, isn't it? 52# in 52 weeks is such a reasonable goal. At times, I feel like a dork as I cruise around the blogosphere. A pound a week. Most people seem to be shooting for at least two. I am frustrated though, like most of you. I was better than I was on the second week. I was better than I was on the first week. Yet I GAINED weight. After a weigh in like that, I am glad I picked that time frame. A year is really a good amount of time to ease back into these habits that have deteriorated farther than I thought. I look back just a few weeks and laugh at what I didn't bat an eye at because they didn't "count" . And yet, I allowed myself to be happy. I knew I was being healthier than I had been. For once in my life it was good enough! Thank goodness. I'm trying to feel that way about this week. Plus 0.2 is not insurmountable by any means. Deflating, yes. I hope to be able to be "easy" emotionally on myself and...

Someone said once that, "meaningful morning prayer is an important element in the spiritual creation of each day." What that means to me is that thinking, praying, or meditating in the beginning of our day is going to help us have a better day. What I plan on happening and think about happening helps create what I want out of a day. I know that I have a better day if I am awake before my kids are. It gives me an advantage. There is nothing worse that waking up to restless natives circling my bed. If I'm up, I'm more prepared. Also, If I'm already up there is no chance of sabotage with wet things. Wet little bodies, washcloths, jammies: all have been flung in my face. If I think about my plan for the day I'm good. If I pray about my day, I'm usually golden. Not that bad things don't happen if I pray. Look at my life! It's just I'm better able to handle whatever happens. Meditation really helps as well, it is relaxing. I don't s...

Weight: 215 BMI: 30.0 (obese) Weight loss to date: +0.2 lbs from last week I'm sick. I gained. I'm not really feeling like talking right now. I gotta go blow by dose.

When I am the way I want to be I will no longer need [to do] these things: Hike my pants over my belly when I stand up or push my pants down under my belly when I sit down. Run to the kitchen and make icing to eat over _____ . Inhale sugar. My current clothes. Avoid cute clothes that don't work super-sized. Leave my coat unzipped. Pray my dress sleeves won't pop. When I am the way I want to be I will be able to: Run a 5k in 30 minutes or less! Be a human pretzel again. Prioritize myself onto the list. Eat to live. Zip up my coat. Wear my cute clothes from Europe again. Sit/stand/cartwheel unhindered. What are you going to do?

Yesterday I couldn't shake the need for sugar. I was haunted by it. Dealing with the aftermath of being gone for a day, I had dishes to catch up on, laundry to do, and kids in need of comfort. A kind of comfort that can only be sated by my complete, total and undivided attention. I have difficulty concentrating when there are two therapists to debrief, and recommendations to digest. This does not add up to a happy family. Mommy + distraction = clingy fambly. Sugar. Makes it all better. Or so says my irrational BEFORE logic. So says me, myself now. Take away my fats, take away my chocolate, but DON'T TOUCH MY SUGAR!!! I promise, I'm putting the bat down. It's a good thing I'm blogging. Withdrawal anyone?

ME WANT COOKIES! OwNUM NUM NUM. Did I? Or didn't I? Days like yesterday make me feel justifiably in need of comfort. Huge machinery whining around my Special girl, lead vests needing to be worn. Specialist after doctor after technician talking seriously. Recommending things I should do more of, telling me I need to do less of. Looking concerned. "You need to get respite care, take care of ALL your relationships." Ha. I just want a morning alone so I can write. "She shouldn't be drinking that/vomiting so much/holding her head that way." Really!?! NINE feedings a day. Nine. I'm so tightly wound I can't quite relax before my hour and a half 'break' is done. Good thing they didn't tell me she needed night ones. Someone would've gotten hurt. So did I cave on my first test of the year? NO! I did not order the soft drink, I got a HUGE water. (Incidentally I finally figured out how to get a HUGE water at a fast food restaurant: "...

I'm tired. I traveled to a BIG CITY on Saturday with my church ladies. I did Church and other Sabbath things on Sunday, then I had a MONSTER day on Monday. The dentist did not spend hours extracting anything. Thank goodness. He only used that high pitched one that sounds like the whine of a missile for a few minutes. It felt like forever. But now it's done. Today is what is really making me tired. Miss Thang and Beansprout are farmed out, while my Special-girl, Hubbend and I go to another BIG CITY. Sometimes small towns are mud. Sometimes they aren't, but today they are. It's hard to work out and eat right when the only time I have to breathe will be in the car driving. This would definitely have been a blank day on the exercise calendar of yesteryear. How on earth do you guys get things done when you are busier than all get-out, and then add on the stress of medical tests and serious doctors? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Don't you love it when someone helps out? I do. I'm writing this post on Saturday, knowing my week is going to be crazy. I have two therapists for my daughter tomorrow, and one appointment-for myself-at the dentist. That is pure craziness, except that hubbend is unable to take Martin Luther King Jr. Day off as planned. Speaking of the man inspiring the holiday, Martin Luther King Jr. was wonderful at asking other people to help. A master. He got them to work together. I am finding the more visible my daughter's disabilities, the more people want to help. People have been sort of watching my on my descent through Dante's circles and emerging again. Watching, and waiting for me to get close enough to extend their hand. My kids are all going to be watched by someone else tomorrow. I'm relieved. Because, I also have a babysitter for seven other day trips in the next two months. I am relieved. It is a worry to me to have so much to do for one and have two le...

So, it is Sunday. I am feeling late. I want to share how this blog came about and how I feel about Sunday. I believe in fasting for spiritual benefit. I fast the first Sunday of every month, for around 24 hours. Then, I give the money I've saved on food to my church . It's something we do there. I usually dedicate each fast to some specific problem I'm facing in my life, or in behalf of someone in my life and pray for help. January the third I'd been thinking about my weight, and honestly I'd been trying. I have my calendar to prove it. It has all the days on it that I've run. I look at it sparingly, because it reminds me of all the terrible things that happened last year. When I looked at it on New Year's Eve, I saw all the days of exercise missing. My eyes burned and my tongue lumped in my throat. They were they days that my grandma died, when my 8 month old nephew died, and my other grandma died. They are the days we went to see my father-in-l...

Weight: 214.8 BMI: 30.0 (On the brink!) Weight lost to date: 7.7 Date Night INT. CAR- AFTER BABYSITTER DROP Me: Are you okay? You look kind of stressed. Him: Yeah. I'm just worried about buying that computer I needed to buy. I hate to do it, but I had to. INT. RESTAURANT-JUST SEATED Me: Are you okay? You look kind of stressed. Having asked this question three other times. Him: Yeah. I just don't have a lot to talk about. Me: (muttering) Brilliant. Just brilliant. INT. RESTAURANT- AWKWARD PAUSE Me: Isn't there anything you're excited about your computer? Him: Well . . . Me: C'mon, Mr. Techno. You can't tell me there isn't something. INT. RESTAURANT-TWO MINUTES LATER-STILL TALKING Him: Hey! Me: What? Him: Thanks for going out of your way to make pleasant conversation! INT. RESTAURANT-15 MINUTES LATER-STILL TALKING Him: So, how's your new blog going? INT. RESTAURANT-15 MINUTES LATER-STILL TALKING Me: Hey . . . Thanks for making pleasant conversation wi...

I snuggled my little special girl as she got her fluids and fell asleep. She-who has some autistic features at times-will nudge me with her nose and wiggle her little bum to get closer to me. It's one of the best parts of my day. Another best part is folding up my little beansprout boy and hugging his compact form. It's the only time hugging him feels tangible. Or when little miss Thang can't wait for me to read Anne of Green Gables . She told me I have the best voice for Anne and Diana, and wanted me to stay home from a date. Being a mommy is the one thing I do that has the most lasting impact. I still think about how I was treated way back. My Mum still thinks about it. I want to do better at it. Being excited (or obsessed either one) about this blogging thing has really helped me look at my priorities. Facebook? pretty much gone. Email? quick glance. House work? Okay! I'm neglecting my life. How can neglect in one way be chicken soup in another? I...

After reading a few happy blogs lately, it's really been on my mind. I was impressed at the shift in my thinking as I lay in bed. My new 'happy thoughts' were a lot more pleasant to wander through than my usual list of tasks and schedules. I posted a list of happy thoughts on one blog, but there are more. I am so happy I'm consumed with new productive things to do. I'm so busy and distracted that new habits seem easier. I am happy about the energy I have now. I'm happy that I haven't resorted to pure undiluted hatred of myself this time before I am taking care of myself. I'm also happy that I can look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm okay, and I'm doing dang good! Best of all-for the first time in my life-when I really looked at myself and saw how much I really do have to lose, I saw it as an obstacle. The weight is holding my body back from running a 10 minute mile, even for just one mile. I see it as something to remove lovin...

In the morning-especially when I'm all sweaty from exercising-it's getting to be really cold. Even last night, I thought "Oh, it's cold in here. I know!" Note, when I have a bright idea it might be time to reevaluate. Especially when hormonally impaired. "Let's just let the oven self clean!" Oh it was warmer all right, until we had to open the doors and windows! Doh! But, to return to this morning, I had all kinds of great intentions. One child had a bed problem in which sleep prevented her from getting out of it and to the toilet. She was shivery cold. Then came the other child who doesn't have 1/10 of an ounce of fat, complaining of the cold blasting in from my exercise area. Brilliant idea #2: hot cereal! Not just any hot cereal. No, it had to be the one cereal that brings back waves of nostalgia. My mother's kitchen, a warm tummy in a cold house, and feeling like things were going to be okay in spite of my attitude. Cream of ...

Last night I worked out @ 7:00pm. While my kids were getting ready for bed. That is a new for me. Thanks to Corletta. I did: 2.21 miles 342 calories 2.5 min @ 4mph/25 min @ 4.5mph/2.5min @ 4mph Today at 5:30am I scraped the crust off my eyes and got on the treadmill again: 2.08 miles 325 calories not really sure because I did the same as last night until 15 min. Then I went back to 4mph because I was dying. Without an ipod! My new diversion is Jillian Michaels' book on metabolism. It's helped to divert the attention away from the timepiece. She talks a lot about whole foods, whole grains, organic, and such. I'm already on that kick, it's just I've been adding in too much sugar. We already it whole wheat bread, wheat pasta, Fiberific cereal etc. We should do better on veggies, and I have fruit around generally. If I could just get my butt to the grocery store. I don't have glass tupperware, and I have teflon pans (Scream, run, aaaah!) But I do actuall...

I meant to walk on Saturday. I didn't. I was busy growling around my family. Husband was working on work, and working on church, working on living arrangements other than these and generally absent. I was trying to get my kids to do their chores unsupervised. At least unsupervised compared to usual. I was trying to get to a 10 minute check-up. It did NOT work. Then came the babysitting I'd committed to do, so we can continue our babysitting swap for dates. It wasn't bad. I ate better than BEFORE, but terrible for AFTER. I needed sugar. Not just sugar, I needed chocolate too. I suppose that when I feel taken advantage of, or over-burdened even [especially] when I've done it to myself. I made brownies and did not go to the grocery store and buy ice cream as planned. By myself, while stressed. Here's the kicker: I had my shoes and coat on with keys in hand. Then this project flashed a final time through my mind. *sigh* So, no ice cream with gooey-just ...

I am now 217.4 lbs. My BMI is 30.3, so I am still obese. I was at one point this week 216.2 but I bet you can guess what happened. Yep. Those cookies on Thursday turned it to 219 by the next morning. I am reading Jillian Michael's new book about metabolism. It should help. It was the first time I've seen lithium in a food book. I've heard all sorts of urban lore from first-hand experiences that lithium increases weight and makes you keep it on. I don't believe it, because I've listened to my Dr.'s but there is always that nagging 'this can't work' at the back of my brain. I found a new site. BMI for Females I think I will use this site from now on. It seems more accurate since additional measurements are taken into account. Also, I may just be paranoid but it seems to me that the graphs are skewed. Recommended weights for women in thick of average heights seem to be a good 5 to 10 pounds more than those that start getting over 5'9...

I got stuck today. The exhaust pipe was sputtering until the snow melted enough to be below it. I felt like those marooned drivers standing beside my drowned car as part of some smart aleck photographer's spread that captures a flood. I swear it didn't look that deep. And most especially like them, I should have kept driving. But no, I had to close the garage door! All those burly men roaring down the street in their huge 4x4 trucks with plows on the front. Blargh! I tried everything. Everything I knew. Shovel, reverse, forward, spinning the tires really fast until the snow is flying higher than my car. Nada. Finally-after dialing three times and hanging up-I called my husband. The man comes bounding up to my car, and tells me to go wait in safety. I try to tell him we may as well surrender, but no. "You're not stuck until you have to get pulled out." He says, and walks confidently to my car. Thirty seconds later he whips a 180 to stop beside me and o...

Do you even want to read this? I suppose the real question is, why don't I want to write it? I'm voting for: I haven't processed my emotions about so many big things in so long that I'm afraid to start. How depressing. Anyway. My sleep was disrupted twice by my husband arriving home at 11:30 as well as my special girl giggling and shrieking at 2:30. We retired to the guest bedroom where we stayed awake an hour and a half. Then we slept until 6:30. Or rather she did. Remembering rather suddenly that her diaper was old, I stopped trying to soothe her back to sleep in my sleep and jumped out of bed. My oldest was half an hour late to get out of bed to go to school, so I padded out to get her up and got fluid intake for youngest. By the time the bus left and I had eaten a bowl of Kix, I realized I needed to leave in a half hour to get to the Orthodics on time. In good weather. I became my mother in her worst hurricane moments. And it all ended with a crash around 2...

Because it's been a hard day-and I don't want to have to address it tomorrow-I must confess. I ate outside of the kitchen, and I had a cup of hot chocolate as an extra treat, with marshmallows and a cookie. It helped my headache tonight feel so much better. My husband is not home tonight, and I had to put the chillens to bed meself. My evening did not go as planned. I had planned to go to the store when my husband was home from work because it was a two therapist day and we didn't need to be put through another three trial day. We talked it over and agreed. Unfortunately, one vehicle needed to go to a mechanic while another needed to go with my husband to his forgotten appointment. So now we literally have NO diapers, and my daughter is sleeping in one I put on her at 6:30 PM. And she missed 1/6th of her fluid intake for the day. We are also out of Windex and other miscellany that I put on a list. I Hate making lists. Tomorrow we have a real estate appointment, pr...

I slept really well. Maybe that's because I haven't worked out in a month and I am again. Or maybe it's because I haven't been pushing the envelope with sugar and I'm actually tired appropriately now. Most likely though, it was because it was a Really Hard Day. Two therapists, and my daughter fell asleep right before each of them. Then we had to go to the optometrist. Truly, it was a meltdown of nuclear proportions. Maybe I should be celebrating because it was age appropriate. Maybe I'll cry. The doctor didn't even do anything. She was so upset, all the poor lady could do was gauge pupil size and see if her gaze was on track. In spite of being tired, not One single sign of lazy eye drifting. Not One. It was only because of the small Blizzard that my children and I made it home in one piece. Emotionally anyway. Hah. I can hear the mocking voices now. BACK OFF. I'm a little defensive, as I'm projecting my anger and frustration at one sit...

There was a snow plow last night outside my window. I swear it took twenty minutes to scrape off our lot, and it sounded like it was ice. I drifted in and out of sleep, grumpy. I awoke a couple more times, hopefully not because my children needed me because I went back to sleep within five minutes. I awoke a final time, and lay there for fifteen minutes. Grumbling about not getting to have my day go according to plan. Today is not as forgiving as yesterday. Today we have two therapists for my special needs child, and an eye appointment for said child. There will be no time to make up a work-out. Plus, I should really go shopping. We're out of diapers. How do I know it was fifteen minutes? Because-glory be-I looked at my cell phone to see what time it was so I could grouse some more, and it said 5:15 am! Yay! I got up, so excited that the snow plow, strange awakenings, and other mayhem had not dissuaded me from my purpose on Day Two. I 'ran' for 30 minutes. Sorry J...

I slept through my alarm for 5:00 am. My husband couldn’t sleep last night, which means I-as a light sleeper-couldn’t sleep either. Then my special needs daughter woke up at 5:45 am cold, and I had to give her a bottle. We both fell asleep until 8:00 am. This is not how I pictured the FIRST DAY. But, it is realistic. I ran @ 5.0 mph for 15 minutes. Whereupon I felt like a lung was going to collapse, my heart was going to burst, and I was going to choke on the clearing out of my sinuses. Then I walked @ 4.0 mph for 15 minutes and again barely made it to the end. This is what taking a month off gets me. However, I ran 2.25 miles which is only 0.25 less than my best time. But, I did it with no iPod (drat those bored kids in the backseat of a car) and I got a shower today. Pretty good for me. Also, I did not eat the cookies. I had breakfast at 11:00 am during which my special daughter vomited on the couch. In ten minutes it will be noon, and my husband and three kids will be expecti...

I am under no delusions that this will be the last and final hurrah in my battle with weight. I’m not even mad at the self that got me this way. I can’t believe I made it through the past two years without losing it mentally again. I want to learn a way to cope, even through trauma like that, that will keep me healthy. So by following the PLAN I will get: -natural remedy for the slightly depressed results of lithium -regain strong self-confidence -talk out problems instead of eating emotions -feel better each day -end weight of 175 lbs. -BMI of 24 -wear size 12ish

My Goals are as follows: -Run 5 times a week  -Run @ 6.0 mph  -Run 20 miles per week  -Eat only at 3 meals and 2 snacks -Eat only in the kitchen  -One helping -One treat a day (eventually phase out to complete 52# goal)  -Eat fruits or veggies for snacks  -Maintain weight loss -Get’er done by January 1, 2011  -Blog each day on how I’m doing

Whose body is this? Who took away all my hard work? The last time I saw this body was in 2005, when I swore I would never see it again. Who is talking like that to my kids? I took parenting classes, read books, and listened to constructive criticism. I know how to be an assertive, authoritative, excellent parent. This can’t be me, I’ve worked so hard NOT to be this. The point is that it has happened. The medication they gave me in the psych hospital had me gain from 175 pounds to 195 in two weeks. TWO WEEKS! It took me a year to get off forty pounds from June 2005 to June 2006. I kept it off, including through a pregnancy, ending my pregnancy at 217 lbs. which was less than I had started losing weight at. Post-partum I did excellent until falling off the deep end psychologically seven months later. I entered the hospital at 175 and I was lactating. Contributing stressors, such as baby regressing into a permanent disability, a husband with a furloughed income and no real prospe...