Journey Beyond Survival

It costs $13,000 to have a relaxing drug induced retreat after psychosis My daughter says she still remembers mommy like that Every time someone says I sound good, I wonder if I'm manic I put my kids to bed at night I help with homework The love of my life has me just as much as I have him I have a sassy groove that's manageable I'm not a perfectionist self righteous prude anymore (much) Life is good I would have given up all of those to avoid this diagnosis of bipolar-nos.  I nearly did.  I can no longer say, "I would NEVER do that" because I simply don't know anymore that I wouldn't.  I know a lot of you out there are weighing the pro's and cons of medication. No, it's not just one. I know more of you than I can count on both hands are either ashamed you are, or can't bear the thought of doing it. Even though you're worried you should. Get checked out.  Just see.  You might be relieved. The thing is, my diagnosis is what I...

Well? I got up today. Had a good seven and a half hours of sleep. I got in my walk, after a good deal of numb mind bargaining. I look at it as an investment in myself, not as a half hour of wasted time on the potty. It's a three therapist day today. Not brilliant at all, but we'll live through it. I hope. I've got a new project that I'm working on, it's making me crazy. I love it. I hate it. But I love it ten times more.  It's distracting me from your lovely blogs, and making my usual comments.  Boo. I've been great, minus one Saturday minor slip-up, on the no sugar dealie that I promised Drazil and Yum Yucky . I was hoping it would make a difference on the scale, even though I hinted it wasn't a big deal. It hasn't yet. Giving up sugar is hard for me, so I expected the usual 2-3 pound insta-drop that I usually get. I'm really glad I have this new project I'm obsessing working on. I've only noticed I don't ge...

We got rid of our television when we were too cheap to pay for cable.  I had most of our important child distraction educational videos online.  I cried a little.  But we made it through. It was hard. Then came online streaming video.   My mother had strict limits on television watching.  I still had no self control. I revel in watching what I want when I want. Given Chickadee's condition, it's been Beanspout's babysitter for quite some time during therapy and doctor appointments. Let's just say there is no POINT to my proclaiming self-righteously, "We have no TV."  We are still couch potatoes. Worse than we intend to be.  What is boggling my mind is that I am changing my life. I've lost 28 pounds yet I watch videos on the treadmill.  I sit and blog.  I surf the blogosphere and siphon off inspiration from others.  Yes, it helps me not eat.  Yes, it keeps me very busy. But, I want a different lifestyle.  I want to j...

For a quick synopsis. I went to FitBloggin March 19th. Washington DC on March 31st North Carolina on April 1st Chickadee presented her Cement Colon April 2nd I got little exercise and lots of drama for one week I met MrsFatass I went home to small town Midbest on April 12th Chickadee received her new wheelchair on April 13th April 15th was when I tortured Chickadee. I also binged on a full plate of cookies April 15th Hubbend's Daddy died April 16th I threw tantrums at Chickadee's nurses and pleaded with her doctors I finally got a Pediatric GI appointment in July I pled with the Developmental Pediatrician She got Chickadee "jackhammers" for her cement problem Chickadee got an earlier appointment for June Hubbend came home Ten hours later we went to Chicago I taught the women's meeting at church I went to Indianapolis on Monday Yesterday I had two of Chickadee's therapists come I did laundry for my Beansprout and Hubbend leaving for Phoenix Why? Because I...

I have to admit I've been depressed. I've had a hard time dealing with all this. But I feel different this morning. A bit better. I just wanted to say thanks again for the emails, notes and comments. They really do help. More than you know! *photo by zoniedude1*

Eat Chocolate Eat Sugar Eat Lie down and cry Eat Go to the store and buy junk to eat But I decided not to. I wanted to Blog, I wanted to read others' blogs for a lift, I wanted to hop on the treadmill and stay there. I couldn't. I had therapists coming, a new wheelchair to fit, and Hubbend leaving again to see his father. I had to reconfirm to myself again that I'd done the right thing coming home. I know I did, but it was a difficult decision. Chickadee is worse, and she needs to be seen by her team. She needs to recover from too much noise and too little space. I need the teams' support. We have to be here. I'm seeing patterns of regression-which is permanent-but hoping it is simply overextension. But Hubbend needs me too, so it is hard. The victory on the scale only carried me for an hour. I started cycling through the above phases again. I realized I couldn't keep my pants up. Really. So I thought, why not try on the 'skinny jeans...

So here is what you wonderful people have helped me accomplish: I went to the grocery store and picked up Two bags of apples Vegetable tray Two bags of salad I took care of myself in the absence of Hubbend I spent time by myself rejuvenating (blogging) I walked for an hour with Chickadee I took a shower I was loving but firm I remained an adult in every situation I did not let someone else be in charge of me When necessary I implemented tools FOGGING, WORKABLE COMPROMISE, and BROKEN RECORD I remembered a few key elements Training Wheels thanks Waisting Time. I feel better. Thanks for putting up with my 'tantrum'. You are all really my lifeline. I'm certain I would be floundering if it weren't for all of you. Thanks so very much! Now back to the Hubbend and the den of lions house stuffed full of loving relatives. *photo by shutterblog*

I grouped the following together because they had similar questions: Leslie "What were some of the sessions? Could you pick which you attended? Did you meet Roni?" Yes, I met Roni. She was so sweet, and she remembered me because I was a whiny brat trying to come. I was flattered. KatDoesDiets "I want to hear about what you learned in the sessions? What were the most valuable things to you?" I liked the one about getting published best because I want to write. I really appreciated all of them though. Kyle and Darci said..."What were some of the most informative things you learned in the sessions?" Here are all of my notes from the 4 breakout sessions and keynote speaker. Completely unedited-sorry. My Facebook Page They are in the notes. Workout Mommy great pictures---and why didn't I get the chance to meet you? Your flattery gives you away. I am a shy dork sometimes. You were so popular... Really, I looked over and even headed your way a c...

The award rules: Thank the person who gave you the Sugar Doll award. Write why you were given the award. Pass the award on to 5 bloggers who have made your life a little sweeter and write how they have done that. Notify them of the award. My favorite wise-cracker Leslie who has been so supportive, that she's even made me cry a couple of times. In the good way. I don't think Leslie could ever hurt someone on purpose. She's working on being the New Kneelable Wonder and has more wisdom in her pinkie than most people I know. Put together. So head over there, because it's just oozing all over the place and all you have to do is brush it with you mouse and presto! You're a better person. Yes. She is that good. REALLY. Leslie, you have a quiz later on that paragraph. I know you skim compliments. Thank you so much. Also, Matt @ Lots to Lose gave me this award this last night and I found it today. Sorry it took me till this evening to post it. Matt is inspiring b...

I take terrible pictures. It's true. Isn't that disappointing? It is to me. Especially after being flattered when you all thought maybe I took the photos I use for my blogs. (snicker) Helen, you just put that weapon down. Yeah, that mouse you're clutching so hard. I did my best dear. FitBloggin was fabulous. Roni did an excellent job planning delegating and inviting people. Thanks so much Roni! MrsFatass , Fiterella , and Steve Do you think the shakiness is the excitement or the new iPhone? When I got lost on the 5K run. It was kinda scary, and kinda fun, and REALLY annoying because I was in my groove. Marisa, Steve, MrsFatass , FitInMyHeart , and other wonderful bloggers that I didn't get their names. BOO. Jen @ Watch My Butt Shrink Bump Grow blogging One of the sessions My delicious lunch. Books from Barnes and Noble My wish list has just quadrupled. The post conference Jell-O reception with sushi bar My view from my window. So pretty. So, do you al...

Hi. I'm the high strung blogger who can't sleep because she's so excited. Yep. I only got lost 10 times. So I was very late. Oh well. I was so nervous anyway. I was nervous about checking in, wearing ratty jeans and a pom-pom in my hair. Also 10 hours in a car-even with gum-gave me VeryBadBreath. Poor Check-In Girl. But you know, the hotel room was quiet and beautiful and I could do anything I wanted to at all. So I sat down and got on the internet. Very happy. Then, I got on Twitter. People at FitBloggin' were tweeting about being here . Which was sort of surreal. One of my very favorites, MrsFatass even asked where I was. Ohmygoodness. I tweetered back and before I knew it I was with her. And Steve . MrsFatass is a celebrity in my book. So nice, so friendly, so fabulous. Steve is an inspiration with his workouts. He does this torture called ARC trainer almost everyday. And he runs 5 miles outside. Which he claims is harder than the treadmill. I m...

BLOGGING I've never experienced so many people doing the same thing in the same creative space. It's been inspirational. candle method: write something everyday like this- I AM HERE. nuclear method: blogstalk everyone you can find with a blog while referencing their followers for future use. COMPETITION With myself of course. My favorite kind. candle method: increase speed slowly so I don't notice. brag daily on dailymile-I DID IT! nuclear method: walk/run/crawl/roll 20 miles. yell with caps-BOOYAH!-on dailymile. MORAL OBLIGATION Nothing better than a promise. Especially when it's with God. candle method: start a modest blog with the pledge to blog everyday for accountability nuclear method: completely abstain from the biggest crutch in my scotch taped life in order to 'adopt' Lent. LOVING MY NEIGHBOR IN THE MIRROR Considering she's coming along anyway, I want it to be pleasant. candle method: get enough sleep. compliment once daily in mirror. nucl...

picture from here Training Wheels, or No Training Wheels? The first time that I heard about these was from my mother. But she didn't make a big deal about it. She simply brushed her teeth when she found herself wanting too many cookies. The next time was from (no groaning please) Dr. Phil's Book. There are a few more I've picked up along the way, most especially from my infamous trio, Tasty Food, Real Food, and Simple Food. (I know, you guys are sick of these. But the Snap pics are so pretty when you roll over the links!) It seemed to me yesterday that nobody really knew what I was talking about. I was *shocked*. This helps me so much! So if you have decided that I am crazy and you really don't want to know about it, comment about it or think about it, feel free to think of this as a JourneyBeyondSurvival indulgence day. If you don't, this could TOTALLY help you! (Do you feel bad for thinking I'm dumb now or what?) Every Time You Want to Jump the Tr...

Did you see that? A monster is coming. I've set traps. I drink a lot of water. It acts as a moat. But the monster swam it. I ate a healthy apple. Satiate the appetite. Somehow, the monster knew I missed breakfast. I had handy dandy snacks in the car. To tame the beast. Unfortunately the monster was only momentarily deterred. When stress came, I blogged far away from food. Monster followed me. It had conversation hearts. I thought of my friends, the ones I will blog to. The monster cowered. I teased a few friends on daily mile. Taunting, the monster showed me a cupcake. I wavered. My hubbend left me for a week to take care of ill parents. The monster hovered over me. It had the conversation hearts and the cupcakes together. But, I had to finish my post. I had to finish commenting on my friends' blogs. Miss THANG came home from ballet. It was time for dinner. The monster is melted. For now . . .

And so it begins. Thursday is the day where much of my theories are going to have to be put into practice. Chickadee has a Routine-Evalutation-to-See-if-She-Has-Seizures. I'm trying to tell myself this is normal. Our normal anyway. I have to farm out Miss THANG and Beansprout. Hubbend has some foreign business partners flying in. Chickadee and I will be stuck in one room together for 24 hours while electrodes map out her brain activity. This is routine. This is normal. We will be doing this every six months. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. I am SO stressing about this. Despite trying not to. Cookies have crept into the 'bane of my existence' category once again. Chickadee is having a hard time sleeping, which means I missed my workout this morning. Not a great plan. The therapist says waking up in the middle of the night repeatedly could signal seizures. Boo. So, any suggestions as to how to do this? I don't want to backslide. I have to order hospital ...

I had a lovely healthy food post planned. Beautiful gorgeous produce. Simple Food, Real Food, and Tasty Food .* It was divine. Why didn't I post it? I derailed again. I have beautiful food in my house. Food I've been lovingly attempting to do justice to. It's been a tool in my box of tricks to get me through this. You know. In the box with the blog diet, and the exercise. Like Lisa pointed out in her blog, I'm standing in my own way. Stress. My house was occupied and I had to be out in a snowstorm for two and a half hours. My kids were sleeping. It was snack time and dinnertime during that time. I blew it because I wanted help with the stress. Better than BEFORE. Not great ever. I may have to pack an emergency stash in my trunk. *Please look at the links! They are really fabulous.

I snuggled my little special girl as she got her fluids and fell asleep. She-who has some autistic features at times-will nudge me with her nose and wiggle her little bum to get closer to me. It's one of the best parts of my day. Another best part is folding up my little beansprout boy and hugging his compact form. It's the only time hugging him feels tangible. Or when little miss Thang can't wait for me to read Anne of Green Gables . She told me I have the best voice for Anne and Diana, and wanted me to stay home from a date. Being a mommy is the one thing I do that has the most lasting impact. I still think about how I was treated way back. My Mum still thinks about it. I want to do better at it. Being excited (or obsessed either one) about this blogging thing has really helped me look at my priorities. Facebook? pretty much gone. Email? quick glance. House work? Okay! I'm neglecting my life. How can neglect in one way be chicken soup in another? I...