Journey Beyond Survival

After reading Leslie's post on Wednesday, I'm thinking.  I watched THIS. I'm trying to imagine my life without sugar.  Added sugars that is.  Life without my mother's cinnamon rolls, chocolate chip cookies, lemon bars, ice cream of any kind, mint oreos, brownies, cake, or any of it. I won't minimize overcoming alcoholism by saying they are alike.  They aren't.  I believe Alcoholism is like fighting a demon.  While my sugar problem is more like fighting with a tantruming child. I've gone back and forth on whether or not it's even possible for anyone me to go without sugar for a longer period of time than just to get to a healthy weight. In January, I'd decided that I could not. I decided I wanted to just be moderate for the rest of my life. I still think that is the most mature and healthy way. But now, I'm not sure if I can do it. Chickadee's second regression and me being reduced to maintenance in my weight loss goals. In ...

Okay, I am spiraling out of control. Maybe not beyond help.  But, this is really bad.  Did you know that jetlag + 5pm + church brought dinner + sugar in the house = Oh yeah. Sugar High. My weight is hovering around the low from before.  And by hovering I mean fluctuating a pound or two above 194. Ish. Yeah, I need to reign it in.  I need to be exercising.  I'm hoping this jetlag will be over soon. It's KILLING me. *photo by snippy.snippy.crab.kris tine.* *photo by BryanElie*   *photo by SugarPressure.com*

So. Moderation. This is going to be harder than I thought. I'm officially off sweets again. At least for a week or so to get myself under control. I didn't crash. I just let it swerve a little. Scared me to death. I know for sure that I have a huge problem if I swear off sweets forever. I know for sure that I have a huge problem eating just a little bit too. I already know I can't live with eating all-I-can-eat sweets, that's why we're here in cyberspace together. Definition of a conundrum, that's what that is. I'm on 'vacation', which means I'm visiting Southern Relatives on a Holiday. There is candy everywhere. Not to mention lunch dessert, snack dessert and dinner dessert. At least we're not the kind of family that deep fries candy bars. There is that. I've kept up on my miles. But today I was hoping to get out and walk just to freshen up my mind and forget about candy for an hour. But TOM cramps-shut up Jack Sh*t this is ...

BLOGGING I've never experienced so many people doing the same thing in the same creative space. It's been inspirational. candle method: write something everyday like this- I AM HERE. nuclear method: blogstalk everyone you can find with a blog while referencing their followers for future use. COMPETITION With myself of course. My favorite kind. candle method: increase speed slowly so I don't notice. brag daily on dailymile-I DID IT! nuclear method: walk/run/crawl/roll 20 miles. yell with caps-BOOYAH!-on dailymile. MORAL OBLIGATION Nothing better than a promise. Especially when it's with God. candle method: start a modest blog with the pledge to blog everyday for accountability nuclear method: completely abstain from the biggest crutch in my scotch taped life in order to 'adopt' Lent. LOVING MY NEIGHBOR IN THE MIRROR Considering she's coming along anyway, I want it to be pleasant. candle method: get enough sleep. compliment once daily in mirror. nucl...

*picture from here* From downstairs it wafts to my ears, "Journey Beyond Survival" only my real name, because it rolls of the tongue better. It can't be! I have been impervious to the guilt. It's all the way down the stairs. Down the longest hall in the world, in a door, and through another doorframe. The guilt is still contained in a few more layers. Like it's a creepy dead body, I would open the deep chest freezer and hear the seal break as it sucks air inside softly. Louder now, my heartrate would increase and my hands tense. I would hold my breath and reach down to remove the grocery bag. It's moonface reveals it to be a cheesecake. Brought by some well intentioned Wonderful neighbor. No. She is not in the freezer with the cheesecake. I'm just too polite to say no, and too addicted to waste it. It's been there a month or so. The last time it's been calling me this often (which is at all really) Hubbend had just left. Well hello dej...

Did you see that? A monster is coming. I've set traps. I drink a lot of water. It acts as a moat. But the monster swam it. I ate a healthy apple. Satiate the appetite. Somehow, the monster knew I missed breakfast. I had handy dandy snacks in the car. To tame the beast. Unfortunately the monster was only momentarily deterred. When stress came, I blogged far away from food. Monster followed me. It had conversation hearts. I thought of my friends, the ones I will blog to. The monster cowered. I teased a few friends on daily mile. Taunting, the monster showed me a cupcake. I wavered. My hubbend left me for a week to take care of ill parents. The monster hovered over me. It had the conversation hearts and the cupcakes together. But, I had to finish my post. I had to finish commenting on my friends' blogs. Miss THANG came home from ballet. It was time for dinner. The monster is melted. For now . . .

So, I've been thinking about this a lot since Saturday. I posted about my 'elephants in the room'. Or, the reasons why I'm anonymous on Blogger. I expected to have a mass exodus of followers leaving my blog. Because-living incognito-I hear a lot of opinions on bipolar. Most of them are NOT good. I did not expect an outpouring of support and friendship. I did not expect people to be accepting. Huh. Add into that the fact that Chickadee has a test this week, and I found out yesterday she needs glasses. This is where my cookie derailment began. I ate five Saturday. Five the next day. Two on Monday and the cookies were gone. Yesterday I opened a bag of gummi worms and 3 Musketeers minis and had a serving of the first and 1/2 a serving of the second. So, I will have to start over again on the weaning myself off sugar. I've been wondering. Why did I do that? Was it because I do not accept myself as much as the commenters? Or because I was fearing rejecti...

Yesterday I couldn't shake the need for sugar. I was haunted by it. Dealing with the aftermath of being gone for a day, I had dishes to catch up on, laundry to do, and kids in need of comfort. A kind of comfort that can only be sated by my complete, total and undivided attention. I have difficulty concentrating when there are two therapists to debrief, and recommendations to digest. This does not add up to a happy family. Mommy + distraction = clingy fambly. Sugar. Makes it all better. Or so says my irrational BEFORE logic. So says me, myself now. Take away my fats, take away my chocolate, but DON'T TOUCH MY SUGAR!!! I promise, I'm putting the bat down. It's a good thing I'm blogging. Withdrawal anyone?