Journey Beyond Survival

Today I wanted to write about my dreams. Full of hope and bliss and fulfillment. Yeah, I sound about as light as a bucket of cement. Ready to fly away. Hang on, while I toss out the top of the pile. Maybe that will help me find my lofty aspirations. Nope. Thing is, I'm remembering today that I'm afraid of heights. Really. Once Hubbend made me climb up three stories of scaffolding. Broke it all down for me and left me no other choice. Made me feel irreplaceable. Yes, we must remember that I am crazy friends. Leave it to me to feel important by being told to go up a towering structure of death. I did it though. And I even wired a speaker while I was up there. But I'm still afraid of heights. So. Do you wanna help me out today? For every comment that tells me something someone wants to be able to do that they can't do now I will do one minute of exercise. Really. Because of my child care situation, it will have to be tomorrow morning. So have at it. ...

I have four days without my guys. Given my state yesterday, I think its time to plan FOOD. When I feel generously well fed in a healthy way, I don't feel as much like bingeing when I feel taken care of. No need to wander. I also have less than a week before I depart on my secret trip. My mother is coming here. That means it's time to do SPRING CLEANING. A lot of it. Like it's time to call 1-800-GOT-JUNK. But, I'm not going to freak out about it. I know freakin out. I'm not going to clean so much that it becomes more important than feeding Chickadee, or an impediment to miss THANG's active play. I'm not even going to clean so much that it takes away my blog time. I need those minutes added into an hour or two a day. They keep me from freakin again. So do my exercisin minutes. That severely limits my cleaning exorcism. As well as my food planning opportunities. But, I'm okay with that now. I'm okay with dropping the spinning pl...

For a quick synopsis. I went to FitBloggin March 19th. Washington DC on March 31st North Carolina on April 1st Chickadee presented her Cement Colon April 2nd I got little exercise and lots of drama for one week I met MrsFatass I went home to small town Midbest on April 12th Chickadee received her new wheelchair on April 13th April 15th was when I tortured Chickadee. I also binged on a full plate of cookies April 15th Hubbend's Daddy died April 16th I threw tantrums at Chickadee's nurses and pleaded with her doctors I finally got a Pediatric GI appointment in July I pled with the Developmental Pediatrician She got Chickadee "jackhammers" for her cement problem Chickadee got an earlier appointment for June Hubbend came home Ten hours later we went to Chicago I taught the women's meeting at church I went to Indianapolis on Monday Yesterday I had two of Chickadee's therapists come I did laundry for my Beansprout and Hubbend leaving for Phoenix Why? Because I...

Here are the rules: 1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER! — So wonderful.  In fact, Skinny Sushi gave me this award at a really hard point last week.  Also, I met Skinny Sushi at Fitbloggin' before we met in cyberspace.  She was very nice to the dorky me. Thank you! 2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award: (a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus. (b) Write about your most embarrassing moment. — While pregnant with miss THANG I was a mothers' helper and was grocery shopping with Angelic Foghorn. The coffee beans smelled too strong to deal with and they mixed with the laundry detergent. I torpedoed my way to the bathroom and had to shove the entire cart full of unpurchased merchandise and Angelic Foghorn into the small hallway. Then, as I proceeded to hurl, Angelic Foghorn started yelling at my bottom hanging out of the stall. "What are you doing in there?" breat...

I weigh one hundred ninety four point oh. Yes. 194.0 lbs. And, I made it 3 1/2 hours to Indianapolis today and all the way back. And took on the navigation system, and a Developmental Pediatrician all together. The Developmental Pediatrician won because she is awesome. I would have kissed her but she probably would have found it offensive. Chickadee is doing well under her care. Utmost confidence. Also, I walked 4.4 miles in one hour. WooT. Yeah, I'm pretty much toast, sitting here like a slug. Mmmmm. I'm happy to be home with Hubbend while the kids are sleeping and watching our huge Hulu backlog. Home while it lasts...til Wednesday when Hubbend and Beansprout fly to Phoenix. We're kinda crazy traveling everywhere. Just wait til you see where I get to go next month. It's a surprise...

I'll pray for you too. You all have done so much for me, I want you to know the same goes for you too. Let me know in the comments below or in the box in my sidebar. Thanks again!

*I'll be in Chicago for the day. There is a study we've decided to enroll Chickadee in. I'll be out for the day. Not that it's been much different with that. I so appreciate you hanging in with me.* I decided to be evil one day last week. Just to be sure. I put a toy just outside her reach. No more than 18 to 24 inches away. You know, like the cat sitting calmly just outside the reach of the dog. I made her sit there 45 minutes. She got mad at about minute 5 and again at minute 15. It was her favorite toy. But she couldn't get it. She wanted to, but it was like the connection had been snipped with a pair of scissors. She would reach out, attempting to get out of sitting back on her heels. Then her bum would fall back onto her feet like a puppet whose strings are suddenly sliced. She had a surprised look on her face. I can't handle that look. It says, "that just worked last night, yesterday or last week" "what is going on?...

I've been absent from you recently. It's not your fault little one. It's really not your fault. I'm just horrified . Again. My love, I'm doing the best I can. To accept what you already know. To celebrate what your optimism maximizes. To be content. Again. My heart is breaking, and I don't want you to see. I'm sorry I've been avoiding your gaze, and I've been asking your brother and sister to do things I usually do. I've been neglecting everyone. And everything. Sweet Chickadee. How do you stay so happy and lovely and content? When I just want to scream. *photo by psycho-pics*

I've been having nightmares. I dream that I'm mixing up icing under the counter-as in days of yore-and I'm slathering it across sugar cookies that I made just for me. Nothing else, just the intense rush of biting into that flaky crisp cookie and the sensation of the creamy icing on my tongue. I wouldn't be having a problem with it if it were just as I were waking up. That kind of a dream I can dismiss easily since my brain has gone a long time without crazy pills. Just kidding. But it is the easiest time for me to push aside that world and firmly plant my feet in this. What's been getting me caught in the rain is this: Chickadee has been taking two naps a day. Yes, it is the 4:30 AM coming back to haunt her. So, I lay down with her. I am so tired from her wake up call that I have been falling asleep for ten minutes or so. In that small amount of time, I'm having that CRACK dream. I swear I could be sweating when I jerk awake. Even then, I probably wou...

A few things that have been out of sync in my life recently that are now in sync. sleep Chickadee's therapy ALL Chickadee's doctors on the same page cleaning house A few things planned to be in sync that weren't in sync and still aren't exercise miss THANG's entourage of playmates [playdates] sterilized house [okay, so even a house that can be classified as clean] flowers all planted Things that are still going drastically wrong Four THIRTY AM wakeup call by rooster Chickadee for a week. exercise clearing out my google reader consistently commenting late for appointments So, while I try again to straighten out my wheels and balance my bubble in the middle, let's talk about you. How do you prioritize your life 1-5. The most important things to you? *photo by zoe.muscat*

The best part of yesterday was either planting flowers or Getting my kids into bed by 7:12 PM. What would you prefer? *Photo #4 by Green Wellies*

* uppity date: I am conquering my desire to remain abed and stuff my face with my heritage. Yes, my genes likely gave me bipolar NOS. However, they also gave me the INABILITY to remain abed. So, while I-though I pray not-may stuff my face, I am so fortunate as to be unable to do what I fantasized in the previous post. I'll be back tomorrow. You're not that lucky. Har. Har.* I am so grateful though that I can get out of bed. And have been able to through everything but the first trimester of my pregnancies. It's the worst thing in the world if you can't. *photo by Soo-Sun*

I didn't want to write a post today. I kept trying to think of things to write about. Nothing sounded fun. At all. That is unusual for me. I love to write. I have to write. I would write on my toilet paper before I used it if I had to. Okay, that's just gross. My point is that I haven't had this happen yet. That's 112 posts and I've been excited or anticipatory for each one. Being the über analytic that I am, I began scouring the wrinkles in my brain for a reason. I came up with something even more puzzling. Vague excuses. Now, that made me even hungrier for a reason. Yes, this is the part where we all realize that Hubbend and chiclets should all be nominated for sainthood despite our religion. They put up with it-most of the time-when I do the following to them : I delved deeper. The reason I found wadded up in the corner of my subconscious was deflating. Boring even. I'm tired. I don't want to pursue excellence. I don't want to do my be...

I have to admit I've been depressed. I've had a hard time dealing with all this. But I feel different this morning. A bit better. I just wanted to say thanks again for the emails, notes and comments. They really do help. More than you know! *photo by zoniedude1*

Current weight: 198.6 lb. Difference: +1.8 lb BMI: 27.7 Difference: -0.2 (from three weeks ago the last time I did this) You know what? I'm good with that. Maybe a bit too good. Right now I'm relieved. Hubbend's Daddy passed away about 24 hours ago. Hubbend and I have finally talked-but not before I overate on breadsticks and pizza-and I fished down into his soul. Really and truly he is fine and at peace. He wants me to stay home. I can breathe easy now. All the guilt is gone and I can call my mum and feel just fine about telling her I'm staying home. I'm not mad or rebellious anymore. But I do have a craving for creamy, buttery, sugary. Pancakes. Or made-from-scratch frosting (I will stab you with a fork if you try to take some). That full to heartburn feeling seems to be what I'm aching for. I wonder why. I feel strangely clinical and scientific about it. It is helping me dissect my emotional self. That's good. Today I'm going to just g...

This plate? . It is empty. Gross. All my fault. Yesterday of all days my mum called. That is usually a very good thing. But after discussing all I have going on here, she expressed concern. "Are you doing okay?" Which in that tone of voice means-do you have your symptoms under control? Are you almost psychotic? Are you manic? In other words, "Just how crazy are you today?" I outlined my plan a bit. She decided that I passed. My family is very uncomfortable with mental illness. But, I am okay with that. This is nothing new, and I have my support system. Elsewhere. "Take care of yourself" she said, and the subject was closed. The subject turned to FIL. The Hospice nurse-all of whom should be automatically admitted into heaven-has given him 48 hours to live. I've been getting pressure from everyone to go back for the funeral. Estranged daughter, Ex pat son, overbearing confident oldest daughter. I've been okay. Because Hubbend su...

This post was inspired by MrsFatass who posted a sweet comment yesterday. Here is the smaller portion that struck me because of where I am: I am proud of you for sure, but nervous for you because your hands are so full. I decided it's time for another mental health post. I do it about once a week. Just so you can avoid it if you hate the crazy talk. Because I am certifiable. Remember? In fact, I'm certified. Because we came back a day late I missed my appointment with my psychiatric nurse. I'm just trying to be honest here, this is a huge reason why I write this blog. I needed a place to talk about bipolar NOS. I need a plan to keep mania at bay. In the next state or country if possible. Hypomania and a mixed state are also about as welcome as a bloated deer waving it's dead feet in the wind of the freeway traffic. So here is my plan from easiest to hardest: Pop all 4 crazy pills EVERY DAY write a blog post EVERY DAY reschedule with psychiatric nurse post...

Eat Chocolate Eat Sugar Eat Lie down and cry Eat Go to the store and buy junk to eat But I decided not to. I wanted to Blog, I wanted to read others' blogs for a lift, I wanted to hop on the treadmill and stay there. I couldn't. I had therapists coming, a new wheelchair to fit, and Hubbend leaving again to see his father. I had to reconfirm to myself again that I'd done the right thing coming home. I know I did, but it was a difficult decision. Chickadee is worse, and she needs to be seen by her team. She needs to recover from too much noise and too little space. I need the teams' support. We have to be here. I'm seeing patterns of regression-which is permanent-but hoping it is simply overextension. But Hubbend needs me too, so it is hard. The victory on the scale only carried me for an hour. I started cycling through the above phases again. I realized I couldn't keep my pants up. Really. So I thought, why not try on the 'skinny jeans...

The Challengers Mother-in-Law's scale weight 201.0 lbs. fully clothed (she keeps it in the kitchen!) Boring-at-Home scale Does she have it in her? Through stress, and Easter and Pig Pickin? Could she possibly lose? Or has it been too much to combat TOM, Chocolate, and Baked Goods all in the same 10 days? And the answer is . . . YES!!! 196.8 Pounds. So much for flirting with Onederland!

Enter The Mormon Tabernacle Choir Handel's Messiah Hallelujah Chorus Phew.

I love MrsFatass. If my real life best friend weren't the jealous type and didn't have this web address . . . but perhaps I've already said too much. Wink. It was wonderful. Fun. See her site for a bit more. I can't link yet from my phone. Sorry. We've not left yet. Things are complicated here. I may drive home myself. Hubbend may come home for a few days and come back. I just don't know. That's all folks. I'm not any more iPhone savvy than this.

FYI The internet here sucks. No disrespect intended. I have tried to comment on so many blogs, and then lost the comment because I was no longer connected to the wireless network. I really have been keeping up with you. You have all gotten me through a difficult week. And now, I will be going today to meet with MrsFatass. There will be green jello with carrots. There will be three tables of desserts. There will be kickball, kids everywhere, and lots of Southern Conversation. I swear I can talk longer pleasantly to these people about nothing at all than anywhere else on earth. But the real draw is the pig. There will be BBQ pork fresh off the grill. And hush puppies. Have you ever had hush puppies? Helen: skip the rest of this paragraph. Hush puppies are the crispest most delectable tidbit your taste buds have ever encountered. Heaven on the mouth. I'll only be having three or four-they are quite possibly the only fried food I deem worth my sweat calories-but that...

Okay. I lied. Don't tell MrsFatass . She's under the delusion that I don't lie. All right, all right. It was an accidental lie. I posted yesterday's post on Monday so that I wouldn't have to pay for an extra day of Internet. I had done everything else on the list except one thing. I fully expected to get that one thing done. But I didn't. Without Hubbend I was dependent on others to be able to get exercise in. Monday was zilch. Tuesday I actually got the 10,000 recommended steps in a day. Today I got 15528 steps, and traveled 7.35 miles. I went out for a walk-bless my wonderful Hubbend-and instead found myself POUNDING the pavement. I ran hard. It felt so good. We have a lot of family drama-rama going on here. A lot. I've been in the thick of it the past few days. Not because I'm crazy-they don't know that I actually AM-but because I refuse to take sides. I go between the camps, I've always sort of defied the clique rules. Anyway, I...

So here is what you wonderful people have helped me accomplish: I went to the grocery store and picked up Two bags of apples Vegetable tray Two bags of salad I took care of myself in the absence of Hubbend I spent time by myself rejuvenating (blogging) I walked for an hour with Chickadee I took a shower I was loving but firm I remained an adult in every situation I did not let someone else be in charge of me When necessary I implemented tools FOGGING, WORKABLE COMPROMISE, and BROKEN RECORD I remembered a few key elements Training Wheels thanks Waisting Time. I feel better. Thanks for putting up with my 'tantrum'. You are all really my lifeline. I'm certain I would be floundering if it weren't for all of you. Thanks so very much! Now back to the Hubbend and the den of lions house stuffed full of loving relatives. *photo by shutterblog*

How to eat right and exercise. STAY HOME. That is all. . . . . . . . . . If not possible, move as much as you can. Always away from the kitchen. Come borrow Chickadee as an excuse for a walk. She upsets easily you know . . . all those people. Just back away. Or run. . . . . . . . . . Seriously though. I want to have a conversation about your best traveling tips are for staying healthy. Let's see what everyone says. Yesterday's comments really did help me wrap my head around sugar's vice like grip on me. Do we have any wisdom to spare about traveling and relative's expectations? Eating, Fitness, and Social Expectations, please. *photo by KalerBlind { Im Back for Sexy No JutSu }*

So. Moderation. This is going to be harder than I thought. I'm officially off sweets again. At least for a week or so to get myself under control. I didn't crash. I just let it swerve a little. Scared me to death. I know for sure that I have a huge problem if I swear off sweets forever. I know for sure that I have a huge problem eating just a little bit too. I already know I can't live with eating all-I-can-eat sweets, that's why we're here in cyberspace together. Definition of a conundrum, that's what that is. I'm on 'vacation', which means I'm visiting Southern Relatives on a Holiday. There is candy everywhere. Not to mention lunch dessert, snack dessert and dinner dessert. At least we're not the kind of family that deep fries candy bars. There is that. I've kept up on my miles. But today I was hoping to get out and walk just to freshen up my mind and forget about candy for an hour. But TOM cramps-shut up Jack Sh*t this is ...

Hey! Happy Easter Sunday to you. What are you doing here? Get back to family. You don't? You could do what I'm doing today. My Church family . Or, here are my favorite inspirational moments inspired by my Church. The Value of Daughters of God Shortcuts to Blessings What the heck is a Mormon? Aside from someone who says "heck" a Mormon has horns on their head, and has a bajillion wives. Or, you could find out what I really believe here What the Heck . It could be a good thing to do on Sunday. AND Easter. But, it's no skin off my nose. Really. Tell me about what you believe! Or, tell me about your family. I love to hear about you all! *photo by Nedieth*

I have many memories of Easter Hunts. My dad would hide our baskets. Everything was in the house because I lived in a northern clime. So, they would line up the candies on the mantle, window ledges, doorway woodwork, you get the picture. But, we had to bypass these treats to find our baskets first. A couple of times the combination of Mom + Dad = disaster. We had an old house with heat vents that were seriously 1' x 1'. Dad put mine down the vent once. Then he and mom decided they were cold and forgot about my basket. I couldn't find my basket, so by the time my slobbery eyes were wiped clean and Dad fished out my basket everything was melted. Boo-Hoo. At least we divided the candy equally. Then played 'store' for hours trading for the things we loved. It was pretty much a gorge fest. My mother tried half-heartedly to limit our intake. Grandma didn't help. This year, I will watch the serving sizes. I won't eat more than my 'fair share'. I...

Do not give birth to a severely constipated Chickadee. Do not give way to her anguish. Do not put Chickadee in a warm bath to 'smooth things out'. Do not listen to her traumatic wailing. Do not throw caution to the wind and strip in 10 seconds. Do not get in the bath with constipated Chickadee. Do not forget to lock the door. Do not let warm water massage child's lower back. Do not panic when hot water is gone. Do not break the aging Hot Water Faucet. Do not keep trying to turn off the now cold water. Do not streak to clean clothing across the hall. Do not yell for Hubbend. Do not send miss THANG for Hubbend. Do not tell miss THANG to ignore Grandma and get Hubbend anyway. Do not get angry when it takes Hubbend 20 minutes to get there. Do not sob and tell Hubbend ALL about it. TOM came this morning. An enema came afterward. Chickadee seriously needed me as a doula. It won't do any good to tell me I shouldn't have done it. I know it was the right thing for us. I...

Now before I let all y'all to the above, I have to let you hear his side of the story. Without further ado here is Mr. No More Bacon himself: It seems as though there was a mix-up at the factory and the post that I was supposed to have my team of worker bees put up on Wednesday ended up getting pushed back until Thursday. Lazy Bees! Just so you know that when you look up The Guy Who Would Forget His Ass If It Weren’t Attached in the dictionary there is a great big picture of me. On an unrelated note, if you find a dictionary that has a listing for The Guy Who Would Forget His Ass If It Weren’t Attached I’d love to buy a copy from you. Hey, I’ve never seen myself in a book before. This is the part of the post where I quit blabbering and simply offer my sincerest of apologies for the mishap earlier this week. I’m sorry! NOW you can enjoy the guest post from JBS over at my place. Click this link , I promise her awesome post will be found there. -NoMoreBacon This is NOT an April Fool...