Journey Beyond Survival

Okay, I am spiraling out of control. Maybe not beyond help.  But, this is really bad.  Did you know that jetlag + 5pm + church brought dinner + sugar in the house = Oh yeah. Sugar High. My weight is hovering around the low from before.  And by hovering I mean fluctuating a pound or two above 194. Ish. Yeah, I need to reign it in.  I need to be exercising.  I'm hoping this jetlag will be over soon. It's KILLING me. *photo by snippy.snippy.crab.kris tine.* *photo by BryanElie*   *photo by SugarPressure.com*

Chickadee is worse. Thursday night she started falling over when sitting. She started taking 5 minutes to turn over from her back and get back into kneeling. I've been an absolute wreck. BEFORE is back in full force. I allowed movie night tradition to become soda, ice cream, oreos, pizza. Yes, I had salad. But I was completely and totally out of control. Numb. I didn't care. I weighed myself Monday and I was 194. Today I am 198. Four pound gain in five days. I'm pretty sure I earned it. Just about. Okay one pound might be water from all the sodium and another might might be TOM. Again, I wasn't phased. The thought that crystalized as I stared at the scale was this: I wish it was more. Wallowing, sabotage, rebelling, filling a 'hole', addict, despair, NOTHING describes what is going on in my head. It's too deep, wide, and turbulent to name. I prayed all day yesterday. I loved your comments. I've been trying to find somehow somew...

For a quick synopsis. I went to FitBloggin March 19th. Washington DC on March 31st North Carolina on April 1st Chickadee presented her Cement Colon April 2nd I got little exercise and lots of drama for one week I met MrsFatass I went home to small town Midbest on April 12th Chickadee received her new wheelchair on April 13th April 15th was when I tortured Chickadee. I also binged on a full plate of cookies April 15th Hubbend's Daddy died April 16th I threw tantrums at Chickadee's nurses and pleaded with her doctors I finally got a Pediatric GI appointment in July I pled with the Developmental Pediatrician She got Chickadee "jackhammers" for her cement problem Chickadee got an earlier appointment for June Hubbend came home Ten hours later we went to Chicago I taught the women's meeting at church I went to Indianapolis on Monday Yesterday I had two of Chickadee's therapists come I did laundry for my Beansprout and Hubbend leaving for Phoenix Why? Because I...

This plate? . It is empty. Gross. All my fault. Yesterday of all days my mum called. That is usually a very good thing. But after discussing all I have going on here, she expressed concern. "Are you doing okay?" Which in that tone of voice means-do you have your symptoms under control? Are you almost psychotic? Are you manic? In other words, "Just how crazy are you today?" I outlined my plan a bit. She decided that I passed. My family is very uncomfortable with mental illness. But, I am okay with that. This is nothing new, and I have my support system. Elsewhere. "Take care of yourself" she said, and the subject was closed. The subject turned to FIL. The Hospice nurse-all of whom should be automatically admitted into heaven-has given him 48 hours to live. I've been getting pressure from everyone to go back for the funeral. Estranged daughter, Ex pat son, overbearing confident oldest daughter. I've been okay. Because Hubbend su...

After last week, I'm ready to get back on track. We're traveling to Nawth Cackilacky (North Carolina) for miss THANG's Spring Break. I'm getting ready. I'm ready to get my 20 miles in. I've noticed my back hurting a lot since missing three days in a row. My knees have been hurting too. That hasn't happened in over 6 weeks. Which makes me feel good. So I guess I'm a convert to the steady benefits of exercise. Time to get BACK ON TRACK! How're you doing with your exercise? C'mon I'll be your cheerleader. *photo by Naztrida*

I hate it when an epiphany strikes. More often than not, it sets off rumblings that threaten to bring down an avalanche. Writing that post yesterday got me thinking-which we all know is terribly dangerous-about those dastardly circumstances. I thought about the twenty pounds that are gone, and I thought about the thirty-two pounds left. All in the mother's lounge at church. Chickadee made up her mind that she wanted to show with all her might that she is indeed a two-year-old. She wasn't quiet, she was throwing a tantrum. The whole time. Which gave me entirely too much time to think. I thought stupid thoughts, such as: What did I do to deserve this? Why on earth is this happening? And then came the thought that I have never let myself think. The one that I am ashamed of. Take it all back. Just take it all away. Yes, that was me talking to my Father in Heaven. Chickadee woke up and started having even more of a fit, so much so that I had to take her out to the van a...

So the trip to the hospital was stressful. I got into my car in the parking garage, and I just wanted to start crying all the sudden. It's a lot to handle. Up all night with a poor little kid that doesn't want their head taped up anymore or that stupid wire box trailing behind them like a tail. To top it all off I scheduled a communication evaluation when the VEEG was finished. You know, save the 7 hour round trip and an entire day spent. Two fer one. I wanted to cry like somebody had died. I had no idea I'd been feeling like that the whole time. On the way home I slid of the road twice. It was surreal. I'm steering one way, and the car is sliding off the road. Seriously. At least I had the 'non'-sense not to brake. Two semis behind me and a whole train of cars. I was in the left lane, and I slid onto the shoulder. I tried to get back on the road, but I slid off again. I have no idea how I stayed on the shoulder. I'm really glad I did. I saw s...

And so it begins. Thursday is the day where much of my theories are going to have to be put into practice. Chickadee has a Routine-Evalutation-to-See-if-She-Has-Seizures. I'm trying to tell myself this is normal. Our normal anyway. I have to farm out Miss THANG and Beansprout. Hubbend has some foreign business partners flying in. Chickadee and I will be stuck in one room together for 24 hours while electrodes map out her brain activity. This is routine. This is normal. We will be doing this every six months. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. I am SO stressing about this. Despite trying not to. Cookies have crept into the 'bane of my existence' category once again. Chickadee is having a hard time sleeping, which means I missed my workout this morning. Not a great plan. The therapist says waking up in the middle of the night repeatedly could signal seizures. Boo. So, any suggestions as to how to do this? I don't want to backslide. I have to order hospital ...

I had a lovely healthy food post planned. Beautiful gorgeous produce. Simple Food, Real Food, and Tasty Food .* It was divine. Why didn't I post it? I derailed again. I have beautiful food in my house. Food I've been lovingly attempting to do justice to. It's been a tool in my box of tricks to get me through this. You know. In the box with the blog diet, and the exercise. Like Lisa pointed out in her blog, I'm standing in my own way. Stress. My house was occupied and I had to be out in a snowstorm for two and a half hours. My kids were sleeping. It was snack time and dinnertime during that time. I blew it because I wanted help with the stress. Better than BEFORE. Not great ever. I may have to pack an emergency stash in my trunk. *Please look at the links! They are really fabulous.

Because it's been a hard day-and I don't want to have to address it tomorrow-I must confess. I ate outside of the kitchen, and I had a cup of hot chocolate as an extra treat, with marshmallows and a cookie. It helped my headache tonight feel so much better. My husband is not home tonight, and I had to put the chillens to bed meself. My evening did not go as planned. I had planned to go to the store when my husband was home from work because it was a two therapist day and we didn't need to be put through another three trial day. We talked it over and agreed. Unfortunately, one vehicle needed to go to a mechanic while another needed to go with my husband to his forgotten appointment. So now we literally have NO diapers, and my daughter is sleeping in one I put on her at 6:30 PM. And she missed 1/6th of her fluid intake for the day. We are also out of Windex and other miscellany that I put on a list. I Hate making lists. Tomorrow we have a real estate appointment, pr...