I slept really well. Maybe that's because I haven't worked out in a month and I am again. Or maybe it's because I haven't been pushing the envelope with sugar and I'm actually tired appropriately now. Most likely though, it was because it was a Really Hard Day.
Two therapists, and my daughter fell asleep right before each of them. Then we had to go to the optometrist.
Truly, it was a meltdown of nuclear proportions. Maybe I should be celebrating because it was age appropriate. Maybe I'll cry.
The doctor didn't even do anything. She was so upset, all the poor lady could do was gauge pupil size and see if her gaze was on track. In spite of being tired, not One single sign of lazy eye drifting. Not One.
It was only because of the small Blizzard that my children and I made it home in one piece. Emotionally anyway. Hah. I can hear the mocking voices now. BACK OFF. I'm a little defensive, as I'm projecting my anger and frustration at one situation beyond my control toward the imaginary mockery of anyone reading. Or something. Anyway, it was actually my treat for the day. And it was totally worth it. Even at---well maybe it was before I saw it was Five HUNDRED Eighty calories! DQ Nutrition
Still, I have to go easy on myself and realize that for the past eight months or more-as I've been going through my own personal tour of the Inferno Dante warned us about-I was eating at least a medium when I stopped by. And it wasn't my only treat of the day, I'm sure. I'm pretty sure I had a root beer with my blizzard, and a combo. So, I'm doing better. And it's better that I'm gradual in my changes so I can maintain them long-term. So, for my only treat on a REALLY bad day this early on I think it's great. Although it is shocking.
I ran this morning. That's a pretty big deal. For the first time since I started this project, the thought flitted across my consciousness. "i had such a hard day. i don't wanna do this." But I still got on the treadmill. I ran 4.0 mph for 5 minutes then 4.5 mph for 20 minutes and 4.0 mph for 5 minutes. It is essentially exactly the same times and rates as yesterday, although I came out slightly less @ 337 calories and 2.16 miles. I wanted to work on my mind a bit, and get it used to the idea that I can run longer than 15 minutes.
Anyway, I found myself 2 minutes into running at a lousy 4.5 mph and I felt like quitting. Not only because I was tired emotionally, physically, psychologically, and mentally. But because I felt like I was going to burst into tears and have to sob until every wet part of my body was expunged. I guess it's starting to have real life again, and feeling like I can deal. I've had a lot to mourn, and I've heard mourning is done in layers. Like forgiveness. So, I suppose I can finally take care of myself now a little bit deeper than a band-aid.
Long story short, I pushed through it. And I feel great about it. School started back today, and a therapist didn't come that I had been planning on. Life is good and my lungs are open.
Two therapists, and my daughter fell asleep right before each of them. Then we had to go to the optometrist.
Truly, it was a meltdown of nuclear proportions. Maybe I should be celebrating because it was age appropriate. Maybe I'll cry.
The doctor didn't even do anything. She was so upset, all the poor lady could do was gauge pupil size and see if her gaze was on track. In spite of being tired, not One single sign of lazy eye drifting. Not One.
It was only because of the small Blizzard that my children and I made it home in one piece. Emotionally anyway. Hah. I can hear the mocking voices now. BACK OFF. I'm a little defensive, as I'm projecting my anger and frustration at one situation beyond my control toward the imaginary mockery of anyone reading. Or something. Anyway, it was actually my treat for the day. And it was totally worth it. Even at---well maybe it was before I saw it was Five HUNDRED Eighty calories! DQ Nutrition
Still, I have to go easy on myself and realize that for the past eight months or more-as I've been going through my own personal tour of the Inferno Dante warned us about-I was eating at least a medium when I stopped by. And it wasn't my only treat of the day, I'm sure. I'm pretty sure I had a root beer with my blizzard, and a combo. So, I'm doing better. And it's better that I'm gradual in my changes so I can maintain them long-term. So, for my only treat on a REALLY bad day this early on I think it's great. Although it is shocking.
I ran this morning. That's a pretty big deal. For the first time since I started this project, the thought flitted across my consciousness. "i had such a hard day. i don't wanna do this." But I still got on the treadmill. I ran 4.0 mph for 5 minutes then 4.5 mph for 20 minutes and 4.0 mph for 5 minutes. It is essentially exactly the same times and rates as yesterday, although I came out slightly less @ 337 calories and 2.16 miles. I wanted to work on my mind a bit, and get it used to the idea that I can run longer than 15 minutes.
Anyway, I found myself 2 minutes into running at a lousy 4.5 mph and I felt like quitting. Not only because I was tired emotionally, physically, psychologically, and mentally. But because I felt like I was going to burst into tears and have to sob until every wet part of my body was expunged. I guess it's starting to have real life again, and feeling like I can deal. I've had a lot to mourn, and I've heard mourning is done in layers. Like forgiveness. So, I suppose I can finally take care of myself now a little bit deeper than a band-aid.
Long story short, I pushed through it. And I feel great about it. School started back today, and a therapist didn't come that I had been planning on. Life is good and my lungs are open.
<3
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you.