Journey Beyond Survival

"Don't step on it!" Beansprout yelled.  I just about peed my pants, but obliged. Beansprout has become the Keeper of the Catepillars. When I was out gardening in my beautiful flower bed, he just about drove me crazy. Punctuated with the occasional, "LOOK OUT" my afternoon was peaceful, getting in my last annuals and stepping back to survey the fabulousness every so often. I even learned to capitalize on his exuberance.  "Yo Beansprout!" I point my spade, "Your friend there is eating my plants!  You better get him off my plants!" the lovely little boy would oblige!  Worked every single time.  He never got tired of it, and I should know because I tried it a lot of times. He was vigilant in taking care of those plants catepillars. Why am I telling you this?  I should post this on my personal blog right?  Of course.  But the reason I bring that up is this:  he was vigilant!  He attempted the impossible. You know and I know...

This plate? . It is empty. Gross. All my fault. Yesterday of all days my mum called. That is usually a very good thing. But after discussing all I have going on here, she expressed concern. "Are you doing okay?" Which in that tone of voice means-do you have your symptoms under control? Are you almost psychotic? Are you manic? In other words, "Just how crazy are you today?" I outlined my plan a bit. She decided that I passed. My family is very uncomfortable with mental illness. But, I am okay with that. This is nothing new, and I have my support system. Elsewhere. "Take care of yourself" she said, and the subject was closed. The subject turned to FIL. The Hospice nurse-all of whom should be automatically admitted into heaven-has given him 48 hours to live. I've been getting pressure from everyone to go back for the funeral. Estranged daughter, Ex pat son, overbearing confident oldest daughter. I've been okay. Because Hubbend su...

So the trip to the hospital was stressful. I got into my car in the parking garage, and I just wanted to start crying all the sudden. It's a lot to handle. Up all night with a poor little kid that doesn't want their head taped up anymore or that stupid wire box trailing behind them like a tail. To top it all off I scheduled a communication evaluation when the VEEG was finished. You know, save the 7 hour round trip and an entire day spent. Two fer one. I wanted to cry like somebody had died. I had no idea I'd been feeling like that the whole time. On the way home I slid of the road twice. It was surreal. I'm steering one way, and the car is sliding off the road. Seriously. At least I had the 'non'-sense not to brake. Two semis behind me and a whole train of cars. I was in the left lane, and I slid onto the shoulder. I tried to get back on the road, but I slid off again. I have no idea how I stayed on the shoulder. I'm really glad I did. I saw s...

I slept really well. Maybe that's because I haven't worked out in a month and I am again. Or maybe it's because I haven't been pushing the envelope with sugar and I'm actually tired appropriately now. Most likely though, it was because it was a Really Hard Day. Two therapists, and my daughter fell asleep right before each of them. Then we had to go to the optometrist. Truly, it was a meltdown of nuclear proportions. Maybe I should be celebrating because it was age appropriate. Maybe I'll cry. The doctor didn't even do anything. She was so upset, all the poor lady could do was gauge pupil size and see if her gaze was on track. In spite of being tired, not One single sign of lazy eye drifting. Not One. It was only because of the small Blizzard that my children and I made it home in one piece. Emotionally anyway. Hah. I can hear the mocking voices now. BACK OFF. I'm a little defensive, as I'm projecting my anger and frustration at one sit...