Journey Beyond Survival

I was attacked by a monster.  That's why I didn't walk 4 miles yesterday.  It stalked me.  Stared me down from the hallway.  So I nervously wrote yesterday's post and chewed a fingernail trying to will it into leaving.  I hate monsters. Then it ran at me. I did not scream.  I stood my ground.  But it still came toward me. I tried being really loud.  I stomped on the ground, turned on the treadmill, turned up some loud music.  It came at me again.  Stinking monster circled me in the room like it owned the place.  Then it ran under the treadmill. I was too scared of it to stop itching my ankles. And my neck. And scratching my scalp. Before I knew it, it was time to get Beansprout and miss THANG up and ready for their second day of school.  No walk.  I left the monster to make it's den under my treadmill.  I sulked all day.  Chickadee had to be fitted for some arm braces which took 3/4 of my day to dri...

Lately I have been listening to lullabies instead of rocking out during my cardio. I've slowed down my pace, I'm accepting a few big things in my life. I've had arthritis for a couple of years. I had a surgery at 15 and they told me juvenile arthritis would be on the horizon. It's here. Not terribly, and I know what to do for it. Running just hurts now. So I walk. Pretty fast, but I walk. Chickadee is finally gaining weight after the new [platinum coated] formula. My back is feeling it. It felt it too lugging her around during the huge back to school shopping we did last week. Chickadee's toddler bed on the floor is killing me. I feel really old. Instead of fighting it, I've felt calm. I can't change the fact that I have arthritis. Nor can I change Chickadee's Rett Syndrome. But I can manage my attitude. I can problem solve. Hubbend built me a ramp for Chickadee's wheelchair. That's huge. I've been lifting it in. S...

You all know I'm a devoted slave friend to the Miz and the Mrs . Right? Right. So when they came up with a fantastic idea for a post , I thought I would do it. Of course, it takes a lot of creativity to maneuver the minefield situation that is reality. Miz and Mrs want video. Creative dance. Hubbend wants our children and their angelic cherubic faces off of the Internet forever. I'm surprised that the few things I've put up in private lockdown screenings only for people that pass extensive background checks haven't made the entire InterLockedWeb to collapse. Like I said. Difficult. So, being the creative genius that I am-confident behind the mask of anonymity-I had my children pose their toys as "puppets". Fabuloso. So, the names they are saying are actually the names of their toys. Hahahaha. The best part is listening to Chickadee. Much louder than in real life. Or I've got selective hearing loss. I also did one for Chickadee, b...

I'm loving being home.  Even though I'm super stressed and not quite recovered from my disaster vacation, it is so nice to be home.  I shaved.  I used MY extra hydrating super moisturizing body wash with my own loofah.  My bed.  Privacy in the bathroom.  For certain.  Need I say more? If any of you are wondering how on earth I can say my vacation was a disaster after writing at the Peanut Gallery , I must say that post was written at the beginning of my trip to the beach.  On the way back was another story, which MrsFatass let me unburden to her so that I could remain a lady.   Are we straight? Being home does have a few problems.  Okay, so it's got the same amount of problems it always did.  I come home, needing a vacation from my vacation and it turns out that sleeping in is just not an option. I am, like so many people, only able to exercise at one point of my day.  In the morning, very very early.  After that, Hu...

Chickadee is worse. Thursday night she started falling over when sitting. She started taking 5 minutes to turn over from her back and get back into kneeling. I've been an absolute wreck. BEFORE is back in full force. I allowed movie night tradition to become soda, ice cream, oreos, pizza. Yes, I had salad. But I was completely and totally out of control. Numb. I didn't care. I weighed myself Monday and I was 194. Today I am 198. Four pound gain in five days. I'm pretty sure I earned it. Just about. Okay one pound might be water from all the sodium and another might might be TOM. Again, I wasn't phased. The thought that crystalized as I stared at the scale was this: I wish it was more. Wallowing, sabotage, rebelling, filling a 'hole', addict, despair, NOTHING describes what is going on in my head. It's too deep, wide, and turbulent to name. I prayed all day yesterday. I loved your comments. I've been trying to find somehow somew...

Today I wanted to write about my dreams. Full of hope and bliss and fulfillment. Yeah, I sound about as light as a bucket of cement. Ready to fly away. Hang on, while I toss out the top of the pile. Maybe that will help me find my lofty aspirations. Nope. Thing is, I'm remembering today that I'm afraid of heights. Really. Once Hubbend made me climb up three stories of scaffolding. Broke it all down for me and left me no other choice. Made me feel irreplaceable. Yes, we must remember that I am crazy friends. Leave it to me to feel important by being told to go up a towering structure of death. I did it though. And I even wired a speaker while I was up there. But I'm still afraid of heights. So. Do you wanna help me out today? For every comment that tells me something someone wants to be able to do that they can't do now I will do one minute of exercise. Really. Because of my child care situation, it will have to be tomorrow morning. So have at it. ...

I have four days without my guys. Given my state yesterday, I think its time to plan FOOD. When I feel generously well fed in a healthy way, I don't feel as much like bingeing when I feel taken care of. No need to wander. I also have less than a week before I depart on my secret trip. My mother is coming here. That means it's time to do SPRING CLEANING. A lot of it. Like it's time to call 1-800-GOT-JUNK. But, I'm not going to freak out about it. I know freakin out. I'm not going to clean so much that it becomes more important than feeding Chickadee, or an impediment to miss THANG's active play. I'm not even going to clean so much that it takes away my blog time. I need those minutes added into an hour or two a day. They keep me from freakin again. So do my exercisin minutes. That severely limits my cleaning exorcism. As well as my food planning opportunities. But, I'm okay with that now. I'm okay with dropping the spinning pl...

A few things that have been out of sync in my life recently that are now in sync. sleep Chickadee's therapy ALL Chickadee's doctors on the same page cleaning house A few things planned to be in sync that weren't in sync and still aren't exercise miss THANG's entourage of playmates [playdates] sterilized house [okay, so even a house that can be classified as clean] flowers all planted Things that are still going drastically wrong Four THIRTY AM wakeup call by rooster Chickadee for a week. exercise clearing out my google reader consistently commenting late for appointments So, while I try again to straighten out my wheels and balance my bubble in the middle, let's talk about you. How do you prioritize your life 1-5. The most important things to you? *photo by zoe.muscat*

The best part of yesterday was either planting flowers or Getting my kids into bed by 7:12 PM. What would you prefer? *Photo #4 by Green Wellies*

I didn't want to write a post today. I kept trying to think of things to write about. Nothing sounded fun. At all. That is unusual for me. I love to write. I have to write. I would write on my toilet paper before I used it if I had to. Okay, that's just gross. My point is that I haven't had this happen yet. That's 112 posts and I've been excited or anticipatory for each one. Being the über analytic that I am, I began scouring the wrinkles in my brain for a reason. I came up with something even more puzzling. Vague excuses. Now, that made me even hungrier for a reason. Yes, this is the part where we all realize that Hubbend and chiclets should all be nominated for sainthood despite our religion. They put up with it-most of the time-when I do the following to them : I delved deeper. The reason I found wadded up in the corner of my subconscious was deflating. Boring even. I'm tired. I don't want to pursue excellence. I don't want to do my be...

I have to admit I've been depressed. I've had a hard time dealing with all this. But I feel different this morning. A bit better. I just wanted to say thanks again for the emails, notes and comments. They really do help. More than you know! *photo by zoniedude1*

This post was inspired by MrsFatass who posted a sweet comment yesterday. Here is the smaller portion that struck me because of where I am: I am proud of you for sure, but nervous for you because your hands are so full. I decided it's time for another mental health post. I do it about once a week. Just so you can avoid it if you hate the crazy talk. Because I am certifiable. Remember? In fact, I'm certified. Because we came back a day late I missed my appointment with my psychiatric nurse. I'm just trying to be honest here, this is a huge reason why I write this blog. I needed a place to talk about bipolar NOS. I need a plan to keep mania at bay. In the next state or country if possible. Hypomania and a mixed state are also about as welcome as a bloated deer waving it's dead feet in the wind of the freeway traffic. So here is my plan from easiest to hardest: Pop all 4 crazy pills EVERY DAY write a blog post EVERY DAY reschedule with psychiatric nurse post...

Okay. I lied. Don't tell MrsFatass . She's under the delusion that I don't lie. All right, all right. It was an accidental lie. I posted yesterday's post on Monday so that I wouldn't have to pay for an extra day of Internet. I had done everything else on the list except one thing. I fully expected to get that one thing done. But I didn't. Without Hubbend I was dependent on others to be able to get exercise in. Monday was zilch. Tuesday I actually got the 10,000 recommended steps in a day. Today I got 15528 steps, and traveled 7.35 miles. I went out for a walk-bless my wonderful Hubbend-and instead found myself POUNDING the pavement. I ran hard. It felt so good. We have a lot of family drama-rama going on here. A lot. I've been in the thick of it the past few days. Not because I'm crazy-they don't know that I actually AM-but because I refuse to take sides. I go between the camps, I've always sort of defied the clique rules. Anyway, I...

Fambly. It is what bwings me togevah today. Fambly. Dat bwessed Awwangement, that dweam wifin a dweam. Sometimes I feel like "Kari the Babyschitter" in Jack Jack Attack! *twitch* *twitch* Other times I feel like everything is coming up roses. What is it today? The Chiclets aren't up yet. Though last night Beansprout peed on a tree at the park. Who closes the park restrooms from Labor Day to Memorial Day? HUH? Apparently we do. Then at home he 'fessed that he lied and actually had an accident. SHOWER. Miss THANG asked me for twenty things she knew I would say no to and held it against me for an hour. I swear this was before she'd even been out of school twenty minutes. Chickadee is eating again-thanks for the prayers and good thoughts-and we only missed one drink because she was sleeping. I even called 3 doctors I've been meaning to along with the service coordinator for her 5 therapists. Two doctors were mine for a change. We've been eating di...

After last week, I'm ready to get back on track. We're traveling to Nawth Cackilacky (North Carolina) for miss THANG's Spring Break. I'm getting ready. I'm ready to get my 20 miles in. I've noticed my back hurting a lot since missing three days in a row. My knees have been hurting too. That hasn't happened in over 6 weeks. Which makes me feel good. So I guess I'm a convert to the steady benefits of exercise. Time to get BACK ON TRACK! How're you doing with your exercise? C'mon I'll be your cheerleader. *photo by Naztrida*

Who hasn't stayed up for stupid reasons? Because the tv was on, or the stove wasn't clean yet, or the blog wasn't written yet. I've even stayed up for good-sometimes what could be termed saintly-reasons. Packing for hospital trips, massaging Hubbend's poor stressed back, doing laundry so miss THANG can be all Pink for the day. In life we have so many things that are beyond control. One thing that I don't have control of is the night. Something about those witching hours of 2 AM to 5 AM brings out the worst in my family. Chickadee and her late night concerts, Beansprout and his boney-at times paranoid-perpendicular body, miss THANG and odd emergencies that tend to happen the same time as the others. Even Hubbend plays along. He tosses and turns. Or he cuddles. I'm not a cuddler. I've worked very hard. Like this: Regardless, I'm sure that you in all aspects of life can relate. Be it yowling cats in the night, or roommates coming in at 3 AM...

I've been thinking things through. I don't know if I'm going in the right direction! Twenty odd pounds, twenty miles in a week. Is it really worth it? This is getting expensive I need new pants the kool kids buy organic food My shoes are wearing out after 3 months This takes too much time I never used to think so hard While a creative outlet, blogging uses up all of my extra TV and FB time Exercise makes me feel high I think that's against my religion This is hard I don't like getting up early I miss sugar I'm dreaming of cinnamon rolls baked by cupcakes I don't think this obsession can be healthy Hubbend is planning an intervention My powdered sugar and butter are lonely Beansprout needs fatty nourishment I think I might be going the wrong way. Or facing the wrong direction? I really DON'T know what to do! *photo by ninpou_kobanashi* Jack Sh*t gave me some inspiration as I was haunting his archives.

*photo by Norman Rockwell* Goal #1 for my Me So Hongry mini challenge was to FIX REAL FOOD . Apparently this is a bigger problem for me than I thought. Denial. Not just the name of a river in Egypt. I was thinking that I did just fine with this. I got a little busy sometimes, and picked up fast food. Also, there were a few days that I didn't have time to fix dinner and so we ate pantry scroungings. But I thought MOST OF THE TIME I got a great meal on the table. HA, HA HA HA. That is so NOT true. Sorry. I'll stop yelling at you with my type. I hadn't realized how badly off track I was until I began to track myself for this challenge. Really trying hard resulted in me getting 4 dinners on the table. Dinners that did not resemble even remotely my ideals. You know the ones. Freeze your eyeballs. Don't you dare let them roll! Yes, it is the Tasty Food, Real Food, and Simple Food. I'm heaving sighs of deep realization. Chickadee and her requisite li...

Stressful day. We had non-stop action yesterday. Now we are prepping to go on a 7 hour round trip for another Dr. appointment. I'm hoping it will go smoothly. All the tests have come back great for now. Her skills are back. I almost feel like canceling the appointment. But, maybe the lung Dr. will give us a year before we have to come back. That would be nice. So, we go. The best part about this? I've been able to handle the stress so far. Are you sure you read that right? I am. This exercise thing is TOTALLY AWESOME! I know, I'm dating myself. Who cares? You know home life is stressful when a dr. appt. means a break! Ta for now! I'll try to swing by your blogs at the hospital.

I'm tired of me whining! I'm tired of "woe". Not today. FUNK OVER! In the spirit of Bootstraps and good ole Pollyanna, I'm introducing the Survival Family Homework Game. Every time we whine or complain too much, we have to list 10 good things about our life. Here goes: Chickadee has bounced back to most of her old abilities! Beansprout adores his bicycle bell. ---as if kids on bikes aren't already annoying-just add bells Miss THANG doesn't complain about practicing ballet this week We have a new-to us-wheelchair adaptable minivan Said minivan has a DVD player! Said minivan has a sunroof AND heated seats ---Ooooohohoho. Really, it was for Chickadee that we got the van I am the proud new owner of an automatic door/backhatch key fob! ---for avoiding splatting-food and otherwise-in the parking lot It's not too bad to be interrupted by visitors in the middle of exercise. It's even okay when pit stains are involved. Birthday cake and ice cream can...