In the morning-especially when I'm all sweaty from exercising-it's getting to be really cold. Even last night, I thought "Oh, it's cold in here. I know!" Note, when I have a bright idea it might be time to reevaluate. Especially when hormonally impaired. "Let's just let the oven self clean!" Oh it was warmer all right, until we had to open the doors and windows! Doh!
But, to return to this morning, I had all kinds of great intentions. One child had a bed problem in which sleep prevented her from getting out of it and to the toilet. She was shivery cold. Then came the other child who doesn't have 1/10 of an ounce of fat, complaining of the cold blasting in from my exercise area. Brilliant idea #2: hot cereal! Not just any hot cereal. No, it had to be the one cereal that brings back waves of nostalgia. My mother's kitchen, a warm tummy in a cold house, and feeling like things were going to be okay in spite of my attitude. Cream of Wheat.
Child #1 decided to repeatedly gag and missed the bus because I wouldn't let her go with only two bites. Child #2 is still orbiting between me and the breakfast table, trying to earn enough points to play with Daddy in the special snow playground. I may have forgotten a few memories conveniently. Like I had to eat hot cereal before I had ONE bowl of cold cereal. Like I hated Cream of Wheat. I just couldn't get over how good it tasted when my husband made it for me last week. So I had to make it again. Of course.
On the bright side, I am motivated. I am taking care of myself and realizing just how down I have been for the past two years. Of course, I must watch myself every time I'm feeling 'pretty good' and make sure that there are no other signs and symptoms of mania. It's annoying, but healthy. If I'd known more of my particular warning signs, things would have been different for me. Perhaps. Bipolar II is still treated with lithium, and I know now I've had that all my life. My daughter-on the other hand-is a completely different story. Nothing could change what happened. It was spontaneous. Genetic. A mutation. It's comforting to not have that guilt. It's also comforting to know I have help of both the heavenly and human kind to deal with all of this. Making peace with my trauma is my goal this year.
I am now posting my workouts via daily mile. The widget is in the sidebar if you want one.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are really working hard to pull yourself back up by the bootstraps. Great blog!
ReplyDeleteGirl....as a therapist and a friend...I am so pumped to hear your final comments on your blog. I'm telling you...things will change...why...because God is wonderful and you have a strong will to change! Hang in there...we were never promised this life would be easy; however we were promised that there is a way that we could experience joy, peace, etc.!
ReplyDeleteHey, R. (not sure if you are putting your name out there) YOU ARE DOING GREAT! Stay positive, when you slip up, do better next time. I go more on how being healthy makes me feel and less than looks/weight. I love to exercise and eat right bc I feel sooo much better when I do. But I give myself wiggle room and leeway to enjoy too! You are doing wonderful and Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to feel at peace. I have a friend who had a similar experience with her daughter, if you ever want her contact info, let me know. It's not Rett's and she is actually worse off than your little one. She and her brother were in Haiti waiting for adoption and she was given a massive dose of some vaccine. She was the only one to survive but had massive health and mental issues. My friend went forward with the adoption anyway....anyways, I'm rambling but if you want to contact her, let me know. I love you and hang in there!
ReplyDelete