Journey Beyond Survival

I have four days without my guys. Given my state yesterday, I think its time to plan FOOD. When I feel generously well fed in a healthy way, I don't feel as much like bingeing when I feel taken care of. No need to wander. I also have less than a week before I depart on my secret trip. My mother is coming here. That means it's time to do SPRING CLEANING. A lot of it. Like it's time to call 1-800-GOT-JUNK. But, I'm not going to freak out about it. I know freakin out. I'm not going to clean so much that it becomes more important than feeding Chickadee, or an impediment to miss THANG's active play. I'm not even going to clean so much that it takes away my blog time. I need those minutes added into an hour or two a day. They keep me from freakin again. So do my exercisin minutes. That severely limits my cleaning exorcism. As well as my food planning opportunities. But, I'm okay with that now. I'm okay with dropping the spinning pl...

* uppity date: I am conquering my desire to remain abed and stuff my face with my heritage. Yes, my genes likely gave me bipolar NOS. However, they also gave me the INABILITY to remain abed. So, while I-though I pray not-may stuff my face, I am so fortunate as to be unable to do what I fantasized in the previous post. I'll be back tomorrow. You're not that lucky. Har. Har.* I am so grateful though that I can get out of bed. And have been able to through everything but the first trimester of my pregnancies. It's the worst thing in the world if you can't. *photo by Soo-Sun*

I didn't want to write a post today. I kept trying to think of things to write about. Nothing sounded fun. At all. That is unusual for me. I love to write. I have to write. I would write on my toilet paper before I used it if I had to. Okay, that's just gross. My point is that I haven't had this happen yet. That's 112 posts and I've been excited or anticipatory for each one. Being the über analytic that I am, I began scouring the wrinkles in my brain for a reason. I came up with something even more puzzling. Vague excuses. Now, that made me even hungrier for a reason. Yes, this is the part where we all realize that Hubbend and chiclets should all be nominated for sainthood despite our religion. They put up with it-most of the time-when I do the following to them : I delved deeper. The reason I found wadded up in the corner of my subconscious was deflating. Boring even. I'm tired. I don't want to pursue excellence. I don't want to do my be...

Today I slept in. Because I haven't in a couple of weeks. No, just kidding. I slept in today because I stayed up late last night trying to catch up. I don't know what I'm trying to catch up to, I just know that I vaguely remember being able to do better. Exhausting right? I read a blog post yesterday that exhausted me because she was expecting way too much of herself in my opinion. I'm afraid I tried to explain that to her, gently of course. I can be gentle. What I realized after I posted my comment was that I needed to apply the information to myself. I'm the one trying way too hard to do way too many things. Too fast and too well. I'm sure that it is possible, but it's like running at a marathon winning pace of 12mph for me. I am incapable of succeeding at that. Not exactly rocket science right? So, sorry dear Sarah. It's not you. It's me tending toward Unattainable Perfectionism. I am being gentler to myself today. I stayed asl...

Today Beansprout and I went to the local indoor playground while Chickadee and Hubbend were finishing up their test in FarAwayBig City. We'd made these plans before we decided to adopt Lent this year. Beansprout couldn't fathom giving up sugar as Miss THANG and I are doing. So, all on his own Beansprout decided to give up "Egg Yolk and Macdunnels" or Burger King and McDonald's. The only indoor playgrounds are in such places. So we packed Beansprout a cool lunch and set off to meet some friends after Storytime at the Library. He was fine. I'm the one that had troubles. The women are really nice. It would be nice to have some friends outside of therapists doctors and church. And Miss THANG's friends' parents. I like these women. Thing is, they are this and I am that. For the first time in the two years' acquaintance we have had at the library, I got the distinct impression they wanted me to be their type of 'this'. I may be pol...

AFTER me will be perfect. I'm pretty darn sure. It's hard to set goals and not have a rosy tint in the background. When all the planets align, and the solar eclipse is complete, I'm sure I will be. I will never miss making Sit-Down Dinners. I will wear perfectly coordinated clothes in fabulous fashion. Just enough avant-garde to be unique, but not enough to stand out loudly. Also, my hair will be perfectly coifed. Chickadee will have all her supplemental therapy done. Every day. Three times. Of course it is a given that I will exercise and eat well. Of course. BEFORE me is to blame for all my misery. All of it. I am not innately late. Nor am I consistently lazy or an emotional eater. It is all BEFORE's fault. I'm sure AFTER me would have been able to handle everything I've been through perfectly. She wouldn't have caved in and become a mess. No. Never. LIES? Of course it's lies. I am not a coifer. I am late. Emotional Eater could hav...

I'm a functional gal. I don't like a lot of frills and I pick at nail polish. I prefer streamlined with punches of color, and Modern Art is definitely becoming my favorite. Wait! Keep reading! I also love to feel pretty. I like feeling irresistible-to my hubbend of course-and I love having fantastic clothes. Feminine clothes that Enhance. With a capital E. So, while I was shaving today and again while slathering myself with the necessary body cream required to keep my sponge hydrated, I noticed something. I have definition! Nothing like I'm going to get, or used to see. But, there are definitely the beginnings of a heart shaped calf and the long lean definition dents I love. I need to have a purpose for my prettiness. Utility unfortunately is still a part of my German/Brit/Swede/French heritage. If it isn't functional, I'm afraid I'll break it. Or forget it. Or neglect it. Bah. I don't need more guilt. This quest is about keeping the usefu...

I ate on plan. I took scrupulous care of myself. Which is to say that I did so much better than BEFORE that I don't really care it wasn't quite good enough. Church services were good, they renewed my resolve. I snuggled down in the comforter and watched Hulu. BEFORE I would have soldiered on. My whole family and house would have been sorry. I nursed my cramps that TOM gave me, and cuddled with Beansprout. I put Chickadee to sleep by holding her tight. I fought with my hubbend and family in the morning. I apologized and they let me in again before it set and hardened. Headache notwithstanding, it has been a good day. I'm determined to continue. I will be healthy emotionally, physically, and in my relationship with food.

I am going to church today. Then I am going to stay home and snuggle read to Miss THANG draw for Beansprout kiss my hubbend I will help Chickadee be quiet for services. Then I will let her explode with obnoxious abandon. We will eat good things. We will nap. I love Sunday.

Doing something good is sweet, isn't it? 52# in 52 weeks is such a reasonable goal. At times, I feel like a dork as I cruise around the blogosphere. A pound a week. Most people seem to be shooting for at least two. I am frustrated though, like most of you. I was better than I was on the second week. I was better than I was on the first week. Yet I GAINED weight. After a weigh in like that, I am glad I picked that time frame. A year is really a good amount of time to ease back into these habits that have deteriorated farther than I thought. I look back just a few weeks and laugh at what I didn't bat an eye at because they didn't "count" . And yet, I allowed myself to be happy. I knew I was being healthier than I had been. For once in my life it was good enough! Thank goodness. I'm trying to feel that way about this week. Plus 0.2 is not insurmountable by any means. Deflating, yes. I hope to be able to be "easy" emotionally on myself and...