Journey Beyond Survival

My scale broke. I'm not being very moderate. My pants all still fit, but my mind feels bleh. I am trying to find the place in my mind where I can do this. I don't seem to be able to find it. The only think that is sparking my interest in meeting my goals is just that. My goals. Fifty-two pounds in fifty-two weeks. The last time I posted a weigh-in was April 11. I was at 198 at that point. Thankfully my maintenance has been good. I'm at 194 80% of the time but only spike up to 197 or so when I truly overindulge more than I moderate. I'm not congratulating myself for losing four pounds in four months. I am proud of myself for not gaining twenty pounds this time Chickadee regressed. I have twenty one weeks left. Aprill 11 I was ahead of the game. I only had 24.5 pounds left to go and 38 weeks left. Now I have 20.5 pounds left to go and twenty-one weeks. That. That right there. That invigorates me. I can do that. I can overcome that challenge, I ...

Chickadee is worse. Thursday night she started falling over when sitting. She started taking 5 minutes to turn over from her back and get back into kneeling. I've been an absolute wreck. BEFORE is back in full force. I allowed movie night tradition to become soda, ice cream, oreos, pizza. Yes, I had salad. But I was completely and totally out of control. Numb. I didn't care. I weighed myself Monday and I was 194. Today I am 198. Four pound gain in five days. I'm pretty sure I earned it. Just about. Okay one pound might be water from all the sodium and another might might be TOM. Again, I wasn't phased. The thought that crystalized as I stared at the scale was this: I wish it was more. Wallowing, sabotage, rebelling, filling a 'hole', addict, despair, NOTHING describes what is going on in my head. It's too deep, wide, and turbulent to name. I prayed all day yesterday. I loved your comments. I've been trying to find somehow somew...

I weigh one hundred ninety four point oh. Yes. 194.0 lbs. And, I made it 3 1/2 hours to Indianapolis today and all the way back. And took on the navigation system, and a Developmental Pediatrician all together. The Developmental Pediatrician won because she is awesome. I would have kissed her but she probably would have found it offensive. Chickadee is doing well under her care. Utmost confidence. Also, I walked 4.4 miles in one hour. WooT. Yeah, I'm pretty much toast, sitting here like a slug. Mmmmm. I'm happy to be home with Hubbend while the kids are sleeping and watching our huge Hulu backlog. Home while it lasts...til Wednesday when Hubbend and Beansprout fly to Phoenix. We're kinda crazy traveling everywhere. Just wait til you see where I get to go next month. It's a surprise...

Current weight: 198.6 lb. Difference: +1.8 lb BMI: 27.7 Difference: -0.2 (from three weeks ago the last time I did this) You know what? I'm good with that. Maybe a bit too good. Right now I'm relieved. Hubbend's Daddy passed away about 24 hours ago. Hubbend and I have finally talked-but not before I overate on breadsticks and pizza-and I fished down into his soul. Really and truly he is fine and at peace. He wants me to stay home. I can breathe easy now. All the guilt is gone and I can call my mum and feel just fine about telling her I'm staying home. I'm not mad or rebellious anymore. But I do have a craving for creamy, buttery, sugary. Pancakes. Or made-from-scratch frosting (I will stab you with a fork if you try to take some). That full to heartburn feeling seems to be what I'm aching for. I wonder why. I feel strangely clinical and scientific about it. It is helping me dissect my emotional self. That's good. Today I'm going to just g...

The Challengers Mother-in-Law's scale weight 201.0 lbs. fully clothed (she keeps it in the kitchen!) Boring-at-Home scale Does she have it in her? Through stress, and Easter and Pig Pickin? Could she possibly lose? Or has it been too much to combat TOM, Chocolate, and Baked Goods all in the same 10 days? And the answer is . . . YES!!! 196.8 Pounds. So much for flirting with Onederland!

I have many memories of Easter Hunts. My dad would hide our baskets. Everything was in the house because I lived in a northern clime. So, they would line up the candies on the mantle, window ledges, doorway woodwork, you get the picture. But, we had to bypass these treats to find our baskets first. A couple of times the combination of Mom + Dad = disaster. We had an old house with heat vents that were seriously 1' x 1'. Dad put mine down the vent once. Then he and mom decided they were cold and forgot about my basket. I couldn't find my basket, so by the time my slobbery eyes were wiped clean and Dad fished out my basket everything was melted. Boo-Hoo. At least we divided the candy equally. Then played 'store' for hours trading for the things we loved. It was pretty much a gorge fest. My mother tried half-heartedly to limit our intake. Grandma didn't help. This year, I will watch the serving sizes. I won't eat more than my 'fair share'. I...

Friday March 19th, 2010 Current weight: 202.4 lb. Difference: -maintained BMI: 28.2 Difference: -0.4 (from previous posting) Saturday March 27th, 2010 Current weight: 200.2 lb. Difference: -2.2 lb BMI: 27.9 Difference: -0.3 Woo Hoo! I'd thought that 202 was completely unrealistic when it happened on the 16th. Now I'm very happy with this descent. My brain is keeping up with it now. Also, I'm a bit nervous about being in onederland. Okay a lot. No, I don't know why. And I also wouldn't like to expound. I've been a bit of an emotional wreck this week. I'll post more tomorrow. Sorry about neglecting the weigh-in last week I was Out of Town . After I'd posted my recaps of the event, it was Wednesday and it seemed silly to post it so close to another one. So for now- I'm excited and pleased and happy. How are you guys doing? *photo by desi.dorite*

To the Net Weight it May Concern: Due to current flight restrictions we need to cut ties with at least 20 pounds. The following pounds listed below will be dismissed effective immediately. To the remaining 32 pounds, consider this your eviction notice. You can either leave voluntarily right away, or be forcibly removed within the upcoming months. Pounds 222.6-217 The FURLOUGH pounds. You told me it was cheaper to eat crap. You made me feel guilty for not eating treats from the people helping my family. You whispered I failed when we couldn't buy Christmas. I've got news for you: you were wrong. We're STRONGER, more hopeful, and happier. You have no right to squat on the edge of my consciousness anymore. There's no such thing as squatters' rights in psychological warfare. Pounds 216-211 The MOURNING pounds. You made life livable without spending months in bed. You paid for my inability to talk through the HELL I was going through. You aren't so many, ...

I've been thinking things through. I don't know if I'm going in the right direction! Twenty odd pounds, twenty miles in a week. Is it really worth it? This is getting expensive I need new pants the kool kids buy organic food My shoes are wearing out after 3 months This takes too much time I never used to think so hard While a creative outlet, blogging uses up all of my extra TV and FB time Exercise makes me feel high I think that's against my religion This is hard I don't like getting up early I miss sugar I'm dreaming of cinnamon rolls baked by cupcakes I don't think this obsession can be healthy Hubbend is planning an intervention My powdered sugar and butter are lonely Beansprout needs fatty nourishment I think I might be going the wrong way. Or facing the wrong direction? I really DON'T know what to do! *photo by ninpou_kobanashi* Jack Sh*t gave me some inspiration as I was haunting his archives.

-photo by everyeskimo- Current weight: 205.4 lb. Difference: -2.6 lb. BMI: 28.6 Difference: -0.4 % body fat: 30.27% Difference: -1.73% I'm a little skeptical. Because I've been 207 all week except Monday and Tuesday which are my historic low days. I'm ecstatic to see the number, but I have trust issues with this scale. However, it must have reformed because no matter how much time I've given it between weighs it is exactly the same. I generally don't drop quickly and maintain it. My weight sort of spirals downward with highs and lows trending less but fluctuating 2-3 pounds. I'm hedging my bets aren't I? Well, there we have it and I'm gonna do my best to beat it next week. I'm 205.4!! Woo-hoo! goal I've been rethinking my goals. I want to break down my current goals, and make them more achievable. Or punch up some of my other goals and get more motivated and driven by them. I was listening to this last night: Setting Goals It really h...

*picture from here* Current weight: 208 lb. Difference: -1 lb. BMI: 29 Difference: -0.1 Great work team. Especially considering Moonface and finding myself! Sunshine Award A big thank you to BEE @ The Next Biggest Loser for giving me this award. She has lost 80+ pounds so far, and she has been taking care of her autistic son and her Grandma who has been living with her. So go over there and cheer her on if you don't already. Because she is totally an inspiration. Thanks to Nikki @ Ramblings of My Weight Loss Journey as well. She is juggling a lot on her plate right now between jobs and family. Somehow she still manages weight loss and painting/collage work that is totally awesome. Also, thanks to Katie J @ Katie J is On Her Way because she has lost a TON of weight and is positive and supportive AND she gave me this award yesterday too. She is thoughtful and comments in a way that makes me feel special every time. I am supposed to pass the award on to 12...

Current weight: 209 lb. Difference: -1 lb. BMI: 29.1 Difference: -0.3 % body fat: 32% Difference: -2.1% I like my scale now. Ha, ha. It still gave me a range, but I chose the high end since it was a loss even though higher. It was a rough night. Beansprout couldn't sleep so he crept into my bed at 2 AM. Chickadee woke up at 1 or so. Then again at 5 AM. I'd put her favorite toy in her crib. I waited until 5:30 to go check on her and see why the music wasn't calming her down. It was then that I realized something that I've been putting off facing for two or three weeks. Chickadee is weaker. She can't turn over to the right from her back anymore. Nor can she turn over to the left without physical prompts. Which totally sucks. I've been waiting to see if she was sick. Or just extra tired for some reason. Or anything. But no. I can't pretend anymore. I've known the regression window was still open. But, I was hoping that was a minor technicalit...

I did not forget my weigh in! You probably did, but I didn't. I posted last week that I might need a new scale. Funny thing is, I wasn't being sarcastic. Here are my weigh in numbers over four hours: 214.6 *eeek* went potty 212.8 ate breakfast 210.9 exercised 1 hour 211.6 *hovered there rest of day* So, even though my numbers evened out around 211, I have an unpleasant circumstance. How much do I weigh? Did I lose any weight? Just how much have I lost? I've decided that I'm going to give myself the benefit of the doubt and say I did get to 210.6. I'm obviously hovering around there with the stress of the hospital trip, TOM, and the anniversary. Stress=distracted. That is bad for the scale. Oh well. I'm actually celebrating. Why? I have TWO NonScale Victories. ONE: I went from 13 miles last week to 19.86 miles this week. Woo-Hoo. One of my GOALS was to run 20 miles a week. Another was to run 5 times a week. Well, next week, I'm gonna get tha...

Weight: 211.4 to 212.6 +1.4 to 2.6 I think I need a new scale. I'll post more tomorrow. I'm wrapping my head around it still, but I'm okay.

WEIGHT: 210.6 (-4.4 since last week!) BMI: 29.4 (NO LONGER OBESE, barely ) %BODY FAT: 34.01% (-9.14%!!!!) blurb: wahoooeeee!!!! Kathyj333 posted a comment yesterday that really got me thinking. She commented on how she really related to my profile description. The part where I say that two years of life had generally revealed the person I thought I left behind. It struck me again. I try to be real here on my bloggy. But, there are a few elephants in the room. Since thinking about her comment, I've thought about several facts about myself that I am still trying to leave behind. Hide from. I have lost 30 pounds or more three times in my life. Each time I kept it off for at least two years. It comes back when something life altering occurs. Something negatively life altering. FACT: I have a label I've run away from for ten years. Two years ago a doctor put it on my permanent record. Someone close was diagnosed with bipolar I when I was 18. Close enough biologically th...

Weight: 215 BMI: 30.0 (obese) Weight loss to date: +0.2 lbs from last week I'm sick. I gained. I'm not really feeling like talking right now. I gotta go blow by dose.

Weight: 214.8 BMI: 30.0 (On the brink!) Weight lost to date: 7.7 Date Night INT. CAR- AFTER BABYSITTER DROP Me: Are you okay? You look kind of stressed. Him: Yeah. I'm just worried about buying that computer I needed to buy. I hate to do it, but I had to. INT. RESTAURANT-JUST SEATED Me: Are you okay? You look kind of stressed. Having asked this question three other times. Him: Yeah. I just don't have a lot to talk about. Me: (muttering) Brilliant. Just brilliant. INT. RESTAURANT- AWKWARD PAUSE Me: Isn't there anything you're excited about your computer? Him: Well . . . Me: C'mon, Mr. Techno. You can't tell me there isn't something. INT. RESTAURANT-TWO MINUTES LATER-STILL TALKING Him: Hey! Me: What? Him: Thanks for going out of your way to make pleasant conversation! INT. RESTAURANT-15 MINUTES LATER-STILL TALKING Him: So, how's your new blog going? INT. RESTAURANT-15 MINUTES LATER-STILL TALKING Me: Hey . . . Thanks for making pleasant conversation wi...

I am now 217.4 lbs. My BMI is 30.3, so I am still obese. I was at one point this week 216.2 but I bet you can guess what happened. Yep. Those cookies on Thursday turned it to 219 by the next morning. I am reading Jillian Michael's new book about metabolism. It should help. It was the first time I've seen lithium in a food book. I've heard all sorts of urban lore from first-hand experiences that lithium increases weight and makes you keep it on. I don't believe it, because I've listened to my Dr.'s but there is always that nagging 'this can't work' at the back of my brain. I found a new site. BMI for Females I think I will use this site from now on. It seems more accurate since additional measurements are taken into account. Also, I may just be paranoid but it seems to me that the graphs are skewed. Recommended weights for women in thick of average heights seem to be a good 5 to 10 pounds more than those that start getting over 5'9...