Journey Beyond Survival

Chickadee is worse. Thursday night she started falling over when sitting. She started taking 5 minutes to turn over from her back and get back into kneeling. I've been an absolute wreck. BEFORE is back in full force. I allowed movie night tradition to become soda, ice cream, oreos, pizza. Yes, I had salad. But I was completely and totally out of control. Numb. I didn't care. I weighed myself Monday and I was 194. Today I am 198. Four pound gain in five days. I'm pretty sure I earned it. Just about. Okay one pound might be water from all the sodium and another might might be TOM. Again, I wasn't phased. The thought that crystalized as I stared at the scale was this: I wish it was more. Wallowing, sabotage, rebelling, filling a 'hole', addict, despair, NOTHING describes what is going on in my head. It's too deep, wide, and turbulent to name. I prayed all day yesterday. I loved your comments. I've been trying to find somehow somew...

A few things that have been out of sync in my life recently that are now in sync. sleep Chickadee's therapy ALL Chickadee's doctors on the same page cleaning house A few things planned to be in sync that weren't in sync and still aren't exercise miss THANG's entourage of playmates [playdates] sterilized house [okay, so even a house that can be classified as clean] flowers all planted Things that are still going drastically wrong Four THIRTY AM wakeup call by rooster Chickadee for a week. exercise clearing out my google reader consistently commenting late for appointments So, while I try again to straighten out my wheels and balance my bubble in the middle, let's talk about you. How do you prioritize your life 1-5. The most important things to you? *photo by zoe.muscat*

I didn't want to write a post today. I kept trying to think of things to write about. Nothing sounded fun. At all. That is unusual for me. I love to write. I have to write. I would write on my toilet paper before I used it if I had to. Okay, that's just gross. My point is that I haven't had this happen yet. That's 112 posts and I've been excited or anticipatory for each one. Being the über analytic that I am, I began scouring the wrinkles in my brain for a reason. I came up with something even more puzzling. Vague excuses. Now, that made me even hungrier for a reason. Yes, this is the part where we all realize that Hubbend and chiclets should all be nominated for sainthood despite our religion. They put up with it-most of the time-when I do the following to them : I delved deeper. The reason I found wadded up in the corner of my subconscious was deflating. Boring even. I'm tired. I don't want to pursue excellence. I don't want to do my be...

I have to admit I've been depressed. I've had a hard time dealing with all this. But I feel different this morning. A bit better. I just wanted to say thanks again for the emails, notes and comments. They really do help. More than you know! *photo by zoniedude1*

Hospice says Hubbend's Dad has 6-8 weeks left. Now I suppose I'm in denial because I don't really feel anything about it. I'm hurting for Hubbend though. He calls his dad and vents for a couple of hours sometimes. They debate really loudly over stupid stuff, and argue loudly from the same side of the same answer. It's family bondage time that they really really love. Hubbend is devastated. And lost. Angry at the world for 5 minutes, then Love 'em While You've Got 'em the next. We will be going down there the first week of April. I don't know that it will be soon enough, or if the kids are going to be just too much for someone in pain and waning. I'm supposed to make him a memory book. I'm floundering for things to say because I'm a void. My little sister-the one that THIS happened to-had a miscarriage last week. And I just don't know how much more loss can happen in one little circle. *photo credit*

regression I BEFORE pulled up to stand walked with walker turned while walking with walker fed herself with both hands pincer grasp both hands ate dirt ate hair ate sand like it was sugar ate all table foods 15 words spoken 15-20 sign language words crawl up and down 20 stairs AFTER no fine motor skills in hands compulsive movements with hands (touch hair slap downward) 2 sign language word adaptations all liquids thickened to 'nectar' consistency all solids ground to stage three baby food consistency crawl two stairs up not down at all walked with two hands held cruised along furniture 4 oz maximum tummy capacity feeding 9 times a day 1 1/2 hours apart while awake regression II BEFORE crawled thirty feet walked to fatigue two hands held loved whole milk 1/4 tsp laxative in her nectar thick liquids had thunder thighs cruised furniture in both directions with incentive (insert evil Jillian laugh) ate from 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup ground up table foo...