Journey Beyond Survival

Being Sunday, I usually talk about Sunday things. This health journey is different from the others. My life is utterly and completely beyond my own control. In most ways. Before I had the illusion of control. This-of course-led to my bipolar manic phase in which I was pushed into psychosis. Pretending that I can control the world spells disaster. Remember that. When Chickadee was finally diagnosed and it was evident that I was not delusional in that regard I gave up. It was as though I'd given up the weight of the world and needed to rest. Truth is I didn't even need to feel like I was holding back the tide. Letting go has made all the difference in my life. That and prayer. I'm living in the moment now, because it's all the certainty I've got. I believe in letting go. I can't write the cliche sayings here. The ones that belong. I'm not grateful for trials. I would never ever EVER wish these things on anyone. I do not feel like we ar...

I'll pray for you too. You all have done so much for me, I want you to know the same goes for you too. Let me know in the comments below or in the box in my sidebar. Thanks again!

Bad news. The happy Nutritionist came on Wednesday. She likes that I feed Chickadee ground up things like broccoli and poached eggs. She is my favorite personal cheerleader. But. Chickadee lost weight. How ironic that this is bad in my life. Chickadee also grew. For the second month in a row. She is two pounds down and one centimeter up. This is the cause for my missed runs and funky 'tude. She's going to need a GI pediatric specialist. They need to do a study of her digestion. I don't want to do this-add another doctor-again Pray if that is what you do. Think happy for us if you remember. *photo by Sighlent J*

*picture from here* From downstairs it wafts to my ears, "Journey Beyond Survival" only my real name, because it rolls of the tongue better. It can't be! I have been impervious to the guilt. It's all the way down the stairs. Down the longest hall in the world, in a door, and through another doorframe. The guilt is still contained in a few more layers. Like it's a creepy dead body, I would open the deep chest freezer and hear the seal break as it sucks air inside softly. Louder now, my heartrate would increase and my hands tense. I would hold my breath and reach down to remove the grocery bag. It's moonface reveals it to be a cheesecake. Brought by some well intentioned Wonderful neighbor. No. She is not in the freezer with the cheesecake. I'm just too polite to say no, and too addicted to waste it. It's been there a month or so. The last time it's been calling me this often (which is at all really) Hubbend had just left. Well hello dej...

So, I've been thinking about this a lot since Saturday. I posted about my 'elephants in the room'. Or, the reasons why I'm anonymous on Blogger. I expected to have a mass exodus of followers leaving my blog. Because-living incognito-I hear a lot of opinions on bipolar. Most of them are NOT good. I did not expect an outpouring of support and friendship. I did not expect people to be accepting. Huh. Add into that the fact that Chickadee has a test this week, and I found out yesterday she needs glasses. This is where my cookie derailment began. I ate five Saturday. Five the next day. Two on Monday and the cookies were gone. Yesterday I opened a bag of gummi worms and 3 Musketeers minis and had a serving of the first and 1/2 a serving of the second. So, I will have to start over again on the weaning myself off sugar. I've been wondering. Why did I do that? Was it because I do not accept myself as much as the commenters? Or because I was fearing rejecti...