Journey Beyond Survival

AFTER me will be perfect. I'm pretty darn sure. It's hard to set goals and not have a rosy tint in the background. When all the planets align, and the solar eclipse is complete, I'm sure I will be. I will never miss making Sit-Down Dinners. I will wear perfectly coordinated clothes in fabulous fashion. Just enough avant-garde to be unique, but not enough to stand out loudly. Also, my hair will be perfectly coifed. Chickadee will have all her supplemental therapy done. Every day. Three times. Of course it is a given that I will exercise and eat well. Of course. BEFORE me is to blame for all my misery. All of it. I am not innately late. Nor am I consistently lazy or an emotional eater. It is all BEFORE's fault. I'm sure AFTER me would have been able to handle everything I've been through perfectly. She wouldn't have caved in and become a mess. No. Never. LIES? Of course it's lies. I am not a coifer. I am late. Emotional Eater could hav...

I'm a functional gal. I don't like a lot of frills and I pick at nail polish. I prefer streamlined with punches of color, and Modern Art is definitely becoming my favorite. Wait! Keep reading! I also love to feel pretty. I like feeling irresistible-to my hubbend of course-and I love having fantastic clothes. Feminine clothes that Enhance. With a capital E. So, while I was shaving today and again while slathering myself with the necessary body cream required to keep my sponge hydrated, I noticed something. I have definition! Nothing like I'm going to get, or used to see. But, there are definitely the beginnings of a heart shaped calf and the long lean definition dents I love. I need to have a purpose for my prettiness. Utility unfortunately is still a part of my German/Brit/Swede/French heritage. If it isn't functional, I'm afraid I'll break it. Or forget it. Or neglect it. Bah. I don't need more guilt. This quest is about keeping the usefu...

Doing something good is sweet, isn't it? 52# in 52 weeks is such a reasonable goal. At times, I feel like a dork as I cruise around the blogosphere. A pound a week. Most people seem to be shooting for at least two. I am frustrated though, like most of you. I was better than I was on the second week. I was better than I was on the first week. Yet I GAINED weight. After a weigh in like that, I am glad I picked that time frame. A year is really a good amount of time to ease back into these habits that have deteriorated farther than I thought. I look back just a few weeks and laugh at what I didn't bat an eye at because they didn't "count" . And yet, I allowed myself to be happy. I knew I was being healthier than I had been. For once in my life it was good enough! Thank goodness. I'm trying to feel that way about this week. Plus 0.2 is not insurmountable by any means. Deflating, yes. I hope to be able to be "easy" emotionally on myself and...

Weight: 215 BMI: 30.0 (obese) Weight loss to date: +0.2 lbs from last week I'm sick. I gained. I'm not really feeling like talking right now. I gotta go blow by dose.

When I am the way I want to be I will no longer need [to do] these things: Hike my pants over my belly when I stand up or push my pants down under my belly when I sit down. Run to the kitchen and make icing to eat over _____ . Inhale sugar. My current clothes. Avoid cute clothes that don't work super-sized. Leave my coat unzipped. Pray my dress sleeves won't pop. When I am the way I want to be I will be able to: Run a 5k in 30 minutes or less! Be a human pretzel again. Prioritize myself onto the list. Eat to live. Zip up my coat. Wear my cute clothes from Europe again. Sit/stand/cartwheel unhindered. What are you going to do?

After reading a few happy blogs lately, it's really been on my mind. I was impressed at the shift in my thinking as I lay in bed. My new 'happy thoughts' were a lot more pleasant to wander through than my usual list of tasks and schedules. I posted a list of happy thoughts on one blog, but there are more. I am so happy I'm consumed with new productive things to do. I'm so busy and distracted that new habits seem easier. I am happy about the energy I have now. I'm happy that I haven't resorted to pure undiluted hatred of myself this time before I am taking care of myself. I'm also happy that I can look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm okay, and I'm doing dang good! Best of all-for the first time in my life-when I really looked at myself and saw how much I really do have to lose, I saw it as an obstacle. The weight is holding my body back from running a 10 minute mile, even for just one mile. I see it as something to remove lovin...