Journey Beyond Survival

Who knows why when one kid gets sick the others start circling the drain?  We were going to the library.  I was supposed to exercise Thursday morning. I'm hoping Friday I will get it done.  I just can't control my kids.  Fevers.  Excruciating Gastroenterology. Sheesh. I mean, I just want them to sleep through the night, and let me walk away to go to the bathroom during the day without crying.  Or screaming.  Or spilling water all over the floor and slamming fingers in the door.  What is the game plan.  I think everyone should post their best theories of how to get it done. My best theory is drugs.  Yes, that would do it. This is exactly what I was hoping this blog would help me through.  The rough nights of sleep and the medical issues.  The family needing more than I can give.  Sweets sucking the life out of me. So, as part of my maintenance I am going to post my daily weight. Thursday 199 TOP maintenance weigh...

Tuesday night 10:30 Fail at getting to bed until Wednesday 2:30  Chickadee throwing a party 3:30 Party still going strong and sounds like fun 4:30 Hubbend gets tired of me sticking the binkie in and talking sternly 5:00 time to wake up! 6:10 got 3 miles of walking in 7:10 missTHANG off to school 7:30 off to Big City for Neurologist appointment 9:00 time to feed Chickadee breakfast driving 10:30 time for Chickadee's drink driving 11:20 appointment time! conclusion: no seizure meds! 12:00 time to go home *phone dies* 1:30 time to stop for lunch 3:00 time to give Chickadee another drink 4:00 home Hubbend unable to help call babysitter Hubbend a bit brusque (at this point all it takes for me to be hurt is a look) Charge phone, call sitter and she's annoyed I'm at home Don't take the time to explain or be defensive Find out her current location (long story) 4:20 missTHANG has to feed Chickadee nobody's happy 4:50 pick up the Beansprout 5:20 ...

I've been having nightmares. I dream that I'm mixing up icing under the counter-as in days of yore-and I'm slathering it across sugar cookies that I made just for me. Nothing else, just the intense rush of biting into that flaky crisp cookie and the sensation of the creamy icing on my tongue. I wouldn't be having a problem with it if it were just as I were waking up. That kind of a dream I can dismiss easily since my brain has gone a long time without crazy pills. Just kidding. But it is the easiest time for me to push aside that world and firmly plant my feet in this. What's been getting me caught in the rain is this: Chickadee has been taking two naps a day. Yes, it is the 4:30 AM coming back to haunt her. So, I lay down with her. I am so tired from her wake up call that I have been falling asleep for ten minutes or so. In that small amount of time, I'm having that CRACK dream. I swear I could be sweating when I jerk awake. Even then, I probably wou...

The best part of yesterday was either planting flowers or Getting my kids into bed by 7:12 PM. What would you prefer? *Photo #4 by Green Wellies*

Who hasn't stayed up for stupid reasons? Because the tv was on, or the stove wasn't clean yet, or the blog wasn't written yet. I've even stayed up for good-sometimes what could be termed saintly-reasons. Packing for hospital trips, massaging Hubbend's poor stressed back, doing laundry so miss THANG can be all Pink for the day. In life we have so many things that are beyond control. One thing that I don't have control of is the night. Something about those witching hours of 2 AM to 5 AM brings out the worst in my family. Chickadee and her late night concerts, Beansprout and his boney-at times paranoid-perpendicular body, miss THANG and odd emergencies that tend to happen the same time as the others. Even Hubbend plays along. He tosses and turns. Or he cuddles. I'm not a cuddler. I've worked very hard. Like this: Regardless, I'm sure that you in all aspects of life can relate. Be it yowling cats in the night, or roommates coming in at 3 AM...

Today I slept in. Because I haven't in a couple of weeks. No, just kidding. I slept in today because I stayed up late last night trying to catch up. I don't know what I'm trying to catch up to, I just know that I vaguely remember being able to do better. Exhausting right? I read a blog post yesterday that exhausted me because she was expecting way too much of herself in my opinion. I'm afraid I tried to explain that to her, gently of course. I can be gentle. What I realized after I posted my comment was that I needed to apply the information to myself. I'm the one trying way too hard to do way too many things. Too fast and too well. I'm sure that it is possible, but it's like running at a marathon winning pace of 12mph for me. I am incapable of succeeding at that. Not exactly rocket science right? So, sorry dear Sarah. It's not you. It's me tending toward Unattainable Perfectionism. I am being gentler to myself today. I stayed asl...

*picture from here* From downstairs it wafts to my ears, "Journey Beyond Survival" only my real name, because it rolls of the tongue better. It can't be! I have been impervious to the guilt. It's all the way down the stairs. Down the longest hall in the world, in a door, and through another doorframe. The guilt is still contained in a few more layers. Like it's a creepy dead body, I would open the deep chest freezer and hear the seal break as it sucks air inside softly. Louder now, my heartrate would increase and my hands tense. I would hold my breath and reach down to remove the grocery bag. It's moonface reveals it to be a cheesecake. Brought by some well intentioned Wonderful neighbor. No. She is not in the freezer with the cheesecake. I'm just too polite to say no, and too addicted to waste it. It's been there a month or so. The last time it's been calling me this often (which is at all really) Hubbend had just left. Well hello dej...

So. It's Monday morning. Very early morning. In fact, I haven't been to sleep yet. Hubbend is still gone, taking care of a sick father and I can't/don't want to fall asleep without him. *groan* What on earth am I going to do come morning? The three little ones circling me for some attention. Picture me. Apparently lifeless in bed while they whine for food and comfort. I sound really motivated. I have a therapist coming for Chickadee at 9:15 AM. That usually helps me be more responsible. Part of the problem with bipolar is that sleep is VERY important, and sometimes it's VERY hard to get. For everyone normal out there: sleep is very important to you too. 6-8 hours. Yes. I know, I've heard it before too. I'm not getting it tonight either. I even came to bed as soon as I put the Chiclets to bed. I brought the laptop with me though. Not good. By the way, all the abnormal rest of you can look again. Six to Eight hours of sleep is important to you...