This plate?. It is empty. Gross. All my fault.
Yesterday of all days my mum called. That is usually a very good thing. But after discussing all I have going on here, she expressed concern. "Are you doing okay?" Which in that tone of voice means-do you have your symptoms under control? Are you almost psychotic? Are you manic?
In other words, "Just how crazy are you today?" I outlined my plan a bit. She decided that I passed. My family is very uncomfortable with mental illness. But, I am okay with that. This is nothing new, and I have my support system. Elsewhere. "Take care of yourself" she said, and the subject was closed.
The subject turned to FIL. The Hospice nurse-all of whom should be automatically admitted into heaven-has given him 48 hours to live. I've been getting pressure from everyone to go back for the funeral. Estranged daughter, Ex pat son,
Turns out my mum disagrees. Hubbend needs me, she says. This is the hardest thing he's ever gone through. He and his daddy have a tight bond. Besides me going into the hospital-which WAS extremely difficult for him-this is probably it. He should come before the kids.
She thinks I should pile all the kids into the car and drive 12 hours solo and stay there to see it through. In a house where 7 people are living and 15 others regularly show up needing to be fed. By me. With no internet, no childcare and no exercise to speak of. All the while watching Chickadee slip farther into regression and I don't have time to do anything about it because I'm too busy taking care of 22 other people. Take care of yourself indeed.
I proceeded to calmly and with deliberate calculation eat the entire plate of cookies.
I think underneath it all I am angry when I eat like that. I am a quiet acquiescing person. Actually now I know it. I am ANGRY and I am rebelling. After Chickadee started having her body betray her and I started stuffing my face-I was rebelling against what was happening. It doesn't comfort. It doesn't taste good. I'm getting even.
Pretty screwed up and crazy right? I mean, who taught me how to rebel? Shouldn't that hurt the someone I'm mad at? Shouldn't it leave me consequence free? Thing is that drugs, speeding cars, tattoos, piercing, affairs, they all effect primarily the person who is rebelling. So I guess I can understand it a bit.
I've never known that before.
I'm a rebel after all.
What's underneath your binge? Or do you like to leave the surface undisturbed?
I'm sorry about this whole stress you're in and sounds like it's not going away right away. But it will be over sooner or later. Fingers crossed.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna be honest with you. If I had that plate in my own kitchen mad or not, sad or not I'd eat the whole thing even if it was the best day of my life.
I think it's because food is the one thing doesn't talk back to me, food is not something I have to turn in on time, it's not a responsiblity and so on... Well... actually I am my own responsiblity but I can forget about it when I'm tasting wonders of various food in my mouth. This is a long process and I believe we have to take the wrong step or make mistakes or eat that plate time to time so we can be the versions of us that we want to be for longer, hopefully till the end. I'm not a robot and I'm not going to be. But I will get better I will get stronger and get the control of my life. It will take time. But it will happen.
Okay, first of all, Hubbend WILL need you. Which is why you need to stay home and take care of the kids. Because if you go, you will not be able to be there for him! Let's be honest - you'll be taking care of everyone else, worried and stressed, and he'll feel like he needs to be taking care of YOU.
ReplyDeleteI have often thought that the rituals that follow a death are really a kindness for the family - something to keep minds and hearts occupied while the shock happens. When he'll REALLY need you is when life returns to normal, he comes home, and has to deal with the real life, day to day feelings of it all.
I totally support you being home. Plus, you're not married to your mom.
And the cookies? Pah-leez. One plate of cookies does not AT ALL diminish all of your hard work. It doesn't make you UNlearn lessons. And it shouldn't bring shame. It. Happens. To me, there comes a time when the important part isn't the binge, it's in the recovery FROM the binge.
Okay. So what's under MY binging? Good question. I think you nailed it - rebellion. I'm going to have to think about this today.
Love you. Let me know if Hubbend needs anything. We're close.
I couldn't agree more with Mrs. Fatass. Your husband will need you the most when all the people have gone away and moved on. The quiet is when it becomes the hardest. He will depend on you then to help him get through the pain of everyday without his dad. The others will be there now to help him get through the moment.
ReplyDeleteHey, and where are MY COOKIES?! Seriously, don't even get caught up in the cookie incident. Food has been my "go-to" answer for all things stressful, including conversations with my family members! I want you to forget about them and REMEMBER that your pants are loose and you fit in your SKINNY JEANS again. You are doing amazing!
I have been thinking a lot about you the past few days. I am in awe of your STRENGTH. Please know that you are in my thoughts and I will keep praying for continued strength for you and your family.
HUGS!
You already have 2 great comments. I agree with Mrs. Fatass...you're not married to your mom. You have your own needy family to care for. Your thinking sounds clear to me and neither too up nor down. Trust your gut. And talk earnestly and honestly with Hubbend to see what he needs and wants. Be honest about what you need and want. Together you can come to the right decision for today. Tomorrow has worries all its own.
ReplyDeleteI think I binge because it's something I can totally control. But even as I type that I know there's more below: powerlessness, self comfort (that lasts until the last mouthful is swallowed).
Hugs and prayers to you - Leslie
Why are mom's the most nuturing of beings and also the most darn opinionated???
ReplyDeleteStay home. Make life at home as normal and as stable for when your husband returns. His grieving process is not going to stop at the funeral, and you will be there.
Cheers,
Missa
LosingEthel
I so could have written the anger/getting even part. I think that's super common.
ReplyDeleteLet's make a deal. We'll both hang in there, and we'll both do this the right way. Neither of us will let all of these defeatist feelings stop us from making the best choices for our bodies. After all, the healthier we are, the more we can do for our awesome kids.
I agree with the others! Talk with your husband again and ask him what HE really wants. You don't need to please his family or you mom on this one.
ReplyDeleteI had an eye opener once, when I realized that we train our kids from an early age to bring themselves comfort with food. Got a shot in the arm - have a lollipop. Fell and skinned your knee - have a cookie. No wonder we are emotional eaters!
Hugs.
Food is a control issue for me. Always has been, always will be. Sometimes I'm controlling it, other times I'm letting other people control it. Not good.
ReplyDeleteThe decision you make should ONLY be between you and your hubby. That's it. Not one single other person should be involved. You two know what's best you for two and your children.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
You have already been given lots of good advice.
ReplyDeleteTrust yourself. Only you and your husband know what is best for your family.
In times of stress we resort to those habits that have helped us cope in the past. That is our nature, you are aware that the cookies didn't help, you know why you ate them. Now you just have to move on and start a brand new day.
Geneen Roth says that, "Eating cookies hurts less than feeling the pain of sadness."
That makes so much sense to me. I turn to food in order to mask the feelings that I don't want to feel.
I am praying for a good day for you and your family.
I agree with everyone! Your hubby will need you when it's quiet. That's often the hardest part of grief work. When the people have gone, the plans are completed, and you are alone with your thoughts and memories.
ReplyDeleteI've eaten plates of cookies many a day. Usually it's a sadness or stress that sends me to the plate. As an encouragement to you though - those types of things happened less and less throughout my journey.
Hugs to you and your family.
It's ok. You are right, you need to take care of YOU. Your hubby is an extension of you, as well as your immediate family.
ReplyDeleteSo I don't tell you this enough but I love how you write. I just do. Screw the cookies. Screw the politics, do what feels right to you.
ReplyDeleteI say that as someone who rarely rebels and is always doing my best to keep EVERYONE happy. Guess what, sometimes we can't.
P.S. I work for a Hospice agency and your assessment of Hospice nurses is pretty spot on. What they do is pretty amazing.
Good luck and bless you during the stressful time.
You totally nailed this one. No...you are not crazy! Realizing that you are rebelling by eating the plate of cookies in anger is great. Do you know how many people eat the cookies and have no clue why? I know I rebel with a good ole binge. I'm rebelling against old parental wounds with regards to food from long ago. I hate the way I rebel...it doesn't hurt anyone but me.
ReplyDeleteI think you should stick with what you know is best for yourself mentally and physically with regards to traveling etc. You and your hubby are the ones who need to make that decision. NO ONE ELSE needs to have a say. Do not feel guilty for YOUR choices!
Hang in there girl...
I'd say - go with what the Hubend wants. If he wants you there, then you should consider it. If he feels you should stay at home, do that. But I will say this -- when my dad died (whom I was really close to) it helped to have my best friend, Scott, there. He was someone I could depend on and who was there for me when no one else was. Sometimes it helps just to have someone to hug and to cry on. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteBut they are right, it isn't your mom's relationship. It is yours and your hubend's. And what you guys decide is the final say. So there mom! :)
Its hard to deal with mental issues because unless you are experiencing them you dont know how anyone else feels.
ReplyDeleteIts especially tough with your family members, they only want the best but are a bit awkward to say the least.
Keep going strong. Each day is a journey.
Wow. I resonate with everything you said. Your insight in INCREDIBLE and that alone will get you into a better place emotionally.
ReplyDeleteI, of course rebel by eating, my other way is spending money. Both are hurtful. I so feel what you are saying. It sounds like you are doing the right things.