I remembered something yesterday that's been helping me a bit.
I couldn't handle my life BEFORE I went to Stockholm. Why should I expect myself to be able to get a grip on things AFTER? Mum handled things so 'perfectly' according to my interpretation of things, that I naturally expected to handle it well too. I mean, I have so much more practice!
The other realization that I made is disappointing. Somehow, I have been in denial that I need a maintenance phase in weight loss. I'm doing pretty well, and I'm dealing with a lot of ghosts too. Like THESE and THOSE. I just want to keep pushing.
But, given the fact that I have a few extenuating circumstances I owe it to myself to be careful. If I try to be too perfect at a time when my mind and body is trying to tell me to slow down, I will pay. Not only will I gain oodles of weight, I will swing manic to try and handle it. I need myself sane.
So right now my push is to get to the healthy levels I was enjoying before Stockholm. To regain the discipline in eating and ease myself out of the depression sleeping that is creeping in as the jetlag is leaving. It is also doing me NO GOOD to try and deprive myself of sugar right now. I'm scared out of my mind, and relying on Hubbend and chiclets to help manage the treats.
I'm also watching the scale like a hawk. More than 196.0 on the scale means strict diet. I'm aiming for five days of cardio today since I missed out yesterday. I've decided to be gentle, because I do love me. I really do.
Just so you know, Mom STRUGGLED while she was out there, she definitely didn't breeze through it. You're a wonderful person, you do a lot for a lot of people, and I know you'll be able to settle back into your good routines. <3 to you!!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have a plan and I always find a plan to be helpful.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to get back into the groove of things when you have been gone and have the after affects of jet lag.
We can only do our best every day and know that some days our best is better than other days.
I like where you said, "I've decided to be gentle, because I do love me." That is awesome!
Ummm, yeah. I love you, too.
ReplyDeleteNo one is perfect-not even your mom! I know it's a shock! Remember-this is YOUR life! You deal with it EVERY day and she gets to leave. It's a lot easier to handle things when you know that it won't always be your burden to bear. Also, remember-when people tell you that your mom did such a great job they are partially being nice so you wouldn't worry that your kids weren't being taken care of while you were gone. I had a feeling when I saw that post that you'd think she was doing a better job that you. YOU ROCK and are so much stronger than you think. I know most people wouldn't be able to handle 1/2 of what you do-me being one of them! Remember-Heavenly Father gave you to your children as THEIR perfect mother-not A PERFECT person but the perfect person for THEM! You are awesome!
ReplyDeleteI definitely support listening to your mind and body and taking things easy. Exercise is good (I'm discovering) for raising one's mood. Hang in there!!!
ReplyDeleteI've been playing quite a lot of catchup reading various posts here and there on your blog so I can know you & what's going on a bit more. Gosh I wish I could just wrap you and your family up in a big hug! Please do follow through the best you can on being gentle and, mostly, keep loving yourself. I know all too well that it's easy to slide the other direction with things and have watched far too many people go that route.
ReplyDeleteI echo Karen (and John)...I send hugs, love and support. But please look yourself in the mirror, deeply into your eyes, and say "I really love you JBS" (don't know your first name!). Your plate is fuller than mine ever was when I had 3 young children. Life is hard, but thank God for your wonderful husband and those three little chicklets in the nest. The term "agony and ecstasy" comes to mind. So rich and full and alive is wonderful and hard and draining and invigorating. Just be gentle and soft with yourself. Visualize pulling your little girl self into your lap and just crakling her, loving her and reassuring her that all is going to be okay. Better than okay.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could spend the day with you - just hanging out and laughing our asses off!
Good lord! There's a laugh for your day - that was supposed to say "just loving her", not crakling her! Not sure where my fingers were going with that!
ReplyDeleteI read your other comments and could not have said it better myself. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI always wonder what makes us think we have to do it all and do it perfectly.
ReplyDeleteWhat everybody else said, especially the stuff about your Mom. I know she did a great fantabulous job for you. But do you really think she'd tell you if she struggled? Because the last thing on earth she wants is for you not to call on her again. So, she lets you believe it was a breeze.
Hang in there honey. You're a woman with a plan and that counts for a whole lot!
Sigh...I feel like I can never live up to my mother either, so I understand this.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, you are an amazing, strong person with the biggest heart full of hope help and healing for everyone, and that speaks volumes for you. Please don't ever forget this...revel in it.
You know who else loves you? Me!!! Hang in there mama!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou will make it one way or the other. I know you can just keep your chin up it's not easy but it will all be worth it somewhere in the end. You are doing an amazing job and you are helping me to open up also. hcgwillpower.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteI know you will figure it out and get back to your balance. Life is crazy sometimes and throws us off, but hang in there.
ReplyDeleteHave faith :)
Everyone has already sent you such powerful love, and I'm adding mine to the bunch.
ReplyDeleteI also want to congratulate you for keeping an eye on the bipolar stuff; it took me years to figure out what would make me "swing manic" or start cycling, and even if I knew, I wouldn't always pay attention. It's still hard, so I'm extra proud of you. As you've told me, whatever it takes to stay sane, right? ;) XOXO