I haven't been feeling well. It started out yesterday after my walk. My stomach sounded suddenly like the plug had been ripped off the drain of a big pipe. You know, that wet gurgling sound? Only it sounded like the industrial size. I felt fine.
But I thought, "uh-oh".
Uh oh indeed. I spent ten minutes taking care of some painful business in which normal and abnormal conflicted a great deal. Wreaking havoc on my internal workings. Oh yes. Pleasant way to start out the day.
My system is such that I had high hopes it was a fluke. Something that happened once for inexplicable reasons-too much sugar or butter-and was now over. It's not that completely ridiculous. It has happened before.
I was excited for yesterday evening. As you may have noticed-given my trip to Stockholm-Hubbend does business of an international nature. We were going to entertain. Internationally. I do so love international people. They're exciting. And interesting.
One hour before the extravaganza begins I feel butterflies. Wow. I'm usually not that excited. Huh.
Nope. Not excited. Not excited at all actually. Turns out the monster in the belly was lying in wait for me to be caught unawares. I made two quick trips to the bathroom and texted Hubbend. Not looking good. I decided not to go and threw myself a little pity party.
Meanwhile it was time to cancel the babysitter, feed the chiclets and generally move on with life. Evenings are a busy time at the Survival house. Chickadee is the most demanding wee peeper. She has this ability to shriek that is mind boggling.
I was shoveling it in as fast as she could handle when I felt some pressure. Bubble kind of pressure internally. I shift uncomfortably in my seat and eye Chickadee. As if possessing some kind of hunter instinct, she hyperventilates a teensy bit. For show. You know the kind.
So I'm feeling under the weather, Chickadee is demanding, and the other two
I analyze the bubble. No gurgling. No rumbling. I think it might just be safe. I do think in passing of MrsFatass. Yes, in passing. The possibilities for this entendre are endless. I decided to risk it. The vultures were circling my motherhood anyway. It seemed like such a reasonable risk.
It was then that I realized I'd gone horribly terribly wrong. Oh so completely wrong. It was not a little shart. Not like THIS one. No. MrsFatass really lucked out. Turns out it was a "where's your diaper" kind. I know, I know. Way too much information. This whole post is way too much information. Anyway I soggy danced to the bathroom and took care of it IMMEDIATELY. Vultures be damned. It took a long while.
Because I tweeted about it. I'm not usually like that, but this was so completely embarrassing and I wasn't quite embarrassed enough. So I decided to share with all my twitter friends. And apparently blogger friends too. I understand if you can no longer handle my blogging. I mean, who would want to read a woman that should have had a diaper on yesterday? Who cares about crazy or trainwrecked, I'm a MESS.
Just thought you might want to know.
Well... good thing you didn't go with your husband! Poor JBS. How horrible and am I that I got a nice start to my day from chuckling about this post. Sorry. Hope you are all better today.
ReplyDeleteOh my, you poor love. It has yet to happen to me. I am wincing for you and offering baby wipes?
ReplyDeletePoor thing. But at least you got a blog out of it ;-)
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the tweet last night, but this full on, detailed version? Its the Sh...well, you know what I mean ; )
ReplyDeleteThe strong woman is the one who can laugh at herself..
BTW...this happened to hubs one time when he had just gotten on the elevator to head to work....he had to ditch his drawers in a dumpster and run home to change at 11:00 at night!
What if I told you I had the same problem at least once a week over a freaking year!! Because of a drug I was using to balance my blood sugar!! Thank God I don't need to use it anymore and life is a lot better without it, I bet you can tell :)
ReplyDelete*big hugs*
There's nothing like a good shart story ;)
ReplyDeleteLife is er.....messy. Clean it up! Isn't that a direct quote from some paper towel commercial? At least the chiclets have given you practice. And thank GOODNESS you didn't go International! That could have been dicey!
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling better today.
Hey - just saw Bella's comment...good one!
ReplyDeleteI am with you. But not in spirit. It really happened to me too. After a failed & sh!tty run to the bathroom, I spent 45 minutes in there while calling to Greedy Baby in an attempt at a calm voice that "momma will be right there". Until finally, she fell off the bed. Like I feared. And I still couldn't get out of that damn bathroom. So there. I shared my TMI story with you too.
ReplyDeleteOh goodness, I always knew we had a connection. I didn't realize it was this that would cement our bond, however.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it could be worse. There isn't one day that goes by that somebody doesn't refer to the workings of my a$$. Not. One. Day. I am the face of colorectal issues.
I am sorry for your misfortune but it sure did make for a good story!
ReplyDeleteAt least you didn't go to dinner with hubbend. Oh my, can you imagine how that might have gone?
Today is a new day. Enjoy!
There will be sh*ttier days than this. This too shall pass!
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Missa
LosingEthel
I've had that happen once or twice. Ugh, no fun. And I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about it. Kudos to you! LOL
ReplyDelete(BTW, thanks for your comment on my blog. I figure I'm so overweight, it's stretched out all over and I have to lose more than 35 pounds to see a difference in clothing. I'll get there! Eventually.)
Oh dear I am laughing hysterically. What is in the air I just got all my posts to work and the same theme is in the air. I could not stop laughing and you are the bomb diggety when it comes to straight out honesty. So glad you were home. My son once went to play a football game, the coach later said how proud he was that he came even when sick. Yah we went home quickly in the third to last quarter before the game was over. They had to get a new snapper since the Quarterback was downwind and not willing to receive what might have gotten delivered. I have always been home when its hit, maybe I have enough kids that I am fair warned that I might be next.
ReplyDeleteAnd then there was the time I made it to the toilet, only to have to get off and turn around because it was coming out the other end too. And so I $h*t on the floor...
ReplyDeleteGirl...
ReplyDeleteOver the last 24 hours, I have had a stomach virus. At one point, I was watery pooping and vomiting at the SAME time. TMI, I know; however, your post made the watery poopy diaper feeling normal. I, too, experienced this yesterday. Helen @ Doing a 180 told me that you were sicky also. I'm sorry mama. Get better soon!
At least the only ones to witness it were you kiddos - and at some point in the not so distant past they were all pooping in their pants too. So there.
ReplyDelete...but I didn't tell you the part about me barfing in the tub while the other butt stuff was going on (simultaneously) that I already told you about. And now I feel like I'm in sh!tty competition in KCLAnderson.
ReplyDeleteOh, and there was no warning at ALL. I happened to be off that day caring for Greedy Baby. Can you imagine if I was at work? With no warning?? Sh!t
:::spew:::
ReplyDeleteOr is that too graphic?? LOL
Yum...that almost happened to me. But then I passed out and hit my head on the tub and got a big old bruised bump on my forehead...
Karen...and then you continued to spew from both ends upon passing out from bruised tub coma. Yes?
ReplyDeleteWell in that case, you win this sh!tty battle.
wait...did you really pass out?
Oh my goodness...I hope you feel better soon. Kids...just don't care when mama is sick...they still are demanding little creatures :(
ReplyDeleteYes, I did really pass out, but no I didn't continue to spew...from either end. I thought I might barf, and was leaning towards the tub, and that's when I passed out. So no barf at all...and no $h*t on the floor (this time).
ReplyDeleteWho ever thought that this might be something to win at?
Am I aloud to laugh at you? No, that would be too mean. I'll just say the most cliche thing every... $hit happens. lmao
ReplyDeleteI <3 you too btw. ;)
Wow.
ReplyDeleteWow.
You, JBS, are brave, honest, AND funny!
BTW, I'm enjoying the Sh!tty competion. Dialogue is always a good thing! ;)
Oh man - that's rough, but at least you were only entertaining the kiddies and not the internationals. And now you get to entertain us! Lovin everyone's comments- too funny!
ReplyDeleteOh you poor thing! You are a brave soldier sharing this on here. Hope you are doing better and sorry to get such a chuckle out of your unfortunate event ;)
ReplyDeleteLOL!!! I am so sorry to laugh. But seriously, that is funny. Not funny of the point and laugh variety, but funny of the "oh man I soooo understand your pain" variety. Thanks for sharing. Are you feeling ok now?
ReplyDelete