I've been mulling over a lot of things. Most of them happy, exciting and beautiful. But, the thing that is compelling me to write is not. It's a dark tangle in my stomach and I need to get it out.
I had a few conversations over the span of the Great Blogger Downtime and this past weekend. Conversations that really hurt. I don't really need understanding, so much as I need to get this out.
Psychosis is terrifying.
It is worse than being locked in a basement in chains in the dark. With spiders and rats running around over my bare feet. I hate psychosis more than death, more than fatness, more than Rett Syndrome.
I've written about it before. I've tentatively talked about it. But, I clammed up again. It hurts when someone thinks I'm less religious than I am.
It hurts when they don't understand the journey I've taken. The measures of prevention I take every single day. Of course some of it is motivated by fear. I agree that is not the foundation of faith.
That is not why I live the way that I do. I have a bigger fear than someone's opinion now. That has helped my faith. I used to be more judgmental than I care to think about.
I do not feel like I am having a crisis of faith.
Why am I treated like I have the plague?
From my own outside perspective before my psychosis, I would have judged. The distance and separation from the judging would have made me feel instantly better. Less jeopardized. I couldn't have imagined maintaining my faith through the current challenges I have now. I would have thought they were exaggerating, or making excuses for their lack of faith, commitment, or dedication.
What hurts is that I am more committed, more faithful and doubly dedicated to my religion. I also completely understand atheism or agnosticism. What I experienced in the six months prior to and six months after my psychotic break has given me more than enough questions to answer from now until I die of old age. In the spiritual realm of thought alone, without even touching philosophy, emotional wounds, or the five lifetimes' worth of embarrassing things I did/said.
Yet I continue in my faith. The balance has changed. I do not talk with God like I used to. I cannot want to talk with God like I used to. I still believe, and I am still comforted. I teach my children. I share with them.
Every day, every minute is spent fighting off an irrational mentally ill thought. Especially when I'm anxious or experiencing negative emotions. Why can I not sufficiently express what I'm going through to the people I love so that I can be understood?
Instead of judged.
photo credit
I wish I had answers for you and yet choose to think that more than anything you want people to meet you where you are.
ReplyDeleteright now.
no matter what.
Im here to meet you.
What strikes me about what you have written is how beautifully you have illustrated the journey of faith. It's not stagnant. It moves and evolves and ebbs and flows and it doesn't look the same today as it did last week or as it will next year.
ReplyDeleteMrs Fatass said it best. We have all been there...if not, there is something wrong or serious denial. Dont worry about people who try to judge you. Those folks have their own problems and rather than deal with them...they would rather focus on you. YOU are not their problem. Nor do YOU answer to anyone but yourself and your own god. *hug*
ReplyDeleteTheir judgement is a reflection of them, not of you. Remember that. It helps me through some of those moments.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone.
Like all things, faith is very much a journey...as MrsFatass said, it's not stagnant. And like MizFit said, you (we all!) need to be met right where you (we) are. In this moment.
ReplyDeleteOur own judgment of ourselves is the worst...but for some reason it seems inevitable. As for the judgment of others? I wish I knew how to make that stop for your sake. It truly is not a matter of you not being able to express yourself...it's their ignorance and fear of not being able to help...of not knowing what to do. People are such fixers. Perhaps just gently remind them that this is not theirs to fix? That all you need is their love and understanding, not their solutions?
Big love coming your way...
People who truly care for you will never treat you like you "have the plague" - no matter how dark your days get. I hope you have people close to you whom you can rely on/confide in.
ReplyDeleteThe turn of phrase "like a dark tangle in my stomach" is strangely beautiful...
I understand. I have Bi-Polar and i am a born again Christian. I've been told numorous times that if i have faith in God i don't have to have a mental illness. These people are well meaning, but even God's people have problems. How can we be a witness to peeople if we have no trials to learn to be understanding from? Being a Christian doesn't make us immune.
ReplyDeleteMy own family doesn't understand me. I have one sister who won't even talk to me because it's easier than trying to understand me.
If there's one thing that is a constant comfort, it's God. I talk to him a lot though, throughout the course of the day. Even if i don't feel like it. Because i know he's the only one who REALLY understands and really matters.
Chin up [HUGS]