Bringing Light

Do you Stumble?

I just started. I've found lots of great things, like free camping sites and trails in my community. It's another fantastic way to waste time. So many dazzling new stones to stumble over the Internet with.  However, there is an actual application for it.  Instead of Googling, Stumble helps me find blogs I might like, or even fitness routines.

I stumbled upon site that was enlightening. The video is twenty minutes long. The two pearls that I gleaned from it were:

The conductor who was speaking said, "When I was 45 I discovered the conductor never makes a sound. His picture is on the cover of the album. He is highly trained. But he never makes a sound. His sole role is to bring out the power in others."

He also said, "Who am I being that my loved one's eyes are[n't] shining?"

It resonated so much.

Before.  I like to think of it as a proper noun:  Before.  Before I was a person who found it effortless to think of others.  Yes, I was cranky and grumpy and selfish.  But especially for children I worked at it early on and became quite disciplined without thinking of it.  I truly thought harshly of all those that are impatient, harsh or critical of young children.  Be gentle with me.  I was young, naive, and so inexperienced.

I thought that being a sister to 7, a babysitter in high demand, and nannying gave me the right to say there was never a good enough reason.  Children should never be berated, treated with negativity more than 1/10 interactions, and always feel safe around their parents.  After four years of parenting I'd only dug deeper into my entrenchment.

Darlings.  Psychosis, Lithium, anti-psychotics, brain chemistry?  Something has changed.  It is so hard to keep a civil tongue in my head.  Thankfully, the habit is still there and my family and I work on the balance. I feel a large piece in that part of my personality has changed.  While it makes it easier to be assertive about my needs-a merciful godsend-it makes it harder to be nice.  Mr. Survival now has to remind me to back off, where Before it was only I that would do that to him.

It's given me a new perspective on hurts from my childhood.  A softness towards grumps, old farts, and cantankerous brats old enough to know better.  Not that I coddle rude strangers.  No.  I'm rough and wizened now too.  It helps here in the Midwest, that I've gained some of that.  We tell it like it is here.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my definition has changed.  I don't agree with one ideal of parenting and childhood anymore.  If everyone is dysfunctional, who is to say what is functional?

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." 
— Maya Angelou

It's not an excuse for holding ourselves or children back from improvement.  No, it is a realization that we all have our own path.  Even when those paths seem to intersect, we are actually in a different plane.  What seems so wrong to me, might actually be a lifetime of work and improvement.  It might be the best that they can be.  If they are not being fundamentally abusive physically or emotionally, I need to let it go.

Why do I want to do this so much?  Because I am trying so hard to do let go of my old ideals for myself.  I work hard to do the best I can, and I am learning to let go gracefully.  As gracefully as my children let go when I apologize.  There are benefits to them for having a mother who can inspire in many ways.

What is your favorite way to bring light?