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| photo by ardent eye |
I gotta admit. I'm struggling.
This emotional eating thing is horrific.
I know that it sounds like it's this enlightening nirvana experience that would make me shudder to think about. Definitely sounded easier though. Definitely.
When I think about what I'm eating, I enjoy it. I love it. I love to eat. I won't go into a long rhapsodizing soliloquy, because I find that harmful. To others. And to me if I ever read this again.
Food is good. It is not the enemy. It is wonderful. When appropriately used, in a proportionally appropriate piece of our lives.
Absent a million rules.
Easy, no? Yes. If I'm not trying to avoid something. I am. I'm running frantically running away. What is it?
I'm running away from emotions. I am scared to death of it. Yes, I am completely aware that scared is an emotion. My hands are nervously twitching just thinking about it.
Emotions. That is what led me into this whole mess. Or that is the tape playing in my head. It was my emotions that I listened in the beginning of my one shining example of a manic phase. It was emotions that led me up a cliff perfectly poised for the crash of psychosis.
I micro-analyzed my emotions and felt guided-spiritually-to do everything I did. Everything. Imagine the confusion when I 'awake' after the crash and realize that every single concept I based my actions on was a fraud. Chemical misfires in my brain. Or, I was just incapable of thinking a rational thought. That was almost as horrific a thought.
I'm analytic because it saved me a lot of trauma growing up. I made decisions because they kept me from getting in trouble like _____. I didn't choose things because it was right for me, or the right thing to do. I did it for a bit of approval and to keep flying under the radar. Analysis was key.
Being diagnosed as bipolar was mind boggling. I'd researched it a ton to educate myself. I couldn't see it. Other than the psychosis, I couldn't think of any manic phases. I was told I would have been bipolar II-which is milder-had I not had the psychosis. That made a bit more sense.
I stayed up till 3 or 4 to finish reading a compelling novel.
Approximately 1/4 of my years were spent in spurts of more creative, more outgoing, better groomed, better dressed, and healthy relationship with food.
About 3/4 of my years were slightly deflated. Hard to motivate.
Twice diagnosed in my late teens/early twenties as having mild depression.
That's it. That's all I got. But, that's enough for my diagnosis. Because the psychosis was spectacular. I really and truly broke with reality.
Ever since, I've been doing everything possible to never ever ever ever go back to that place. I've been running away from it so hard, and eating so much to dampen, that I hadn't noticed that I'm hovering right back over it. Just a little higher up.
No, I'm not feeling sick right now. Not manic. Not exactly depressed, although if pressed I would choose depressed. Because it all comes back around to the eating.
Why can't I stop?
Because if I sit still, and do what the emotional eating crowds ask I will FEEL. Apparently I can't handle that. News to me. I hear the tape playing in my head:
"I can't handle this [Rett xyz, Money problems, Motherhood, any difficulty]"
"This is too hard"
"If I start feeling bad, how do I know it will stop?"
"What if I discover I am fundamentally unhappy?"
"I hate this"
"I can't do this"
Every single one of them negative. I know a lot of people that would call this Satan, or the devil tempting me. I'm not saying they're wrong. I'm just saying that I need a different context for myself because of my psychosis. Why? Because I can't handle the thought of something evil having the power to put evil thoughts in my head against my will because of a pattern of thinking that I developed before I could possibly have chosen differently.
I prefer to think of it as an unhealthy pattern of thought. One that like bad posture is ingrained deeply and has detrimental effects on me. One that can be helped and adjusted over time with patience and persistence.
Also with medication. Psychosis changed my brain in a physical way. The neurons do not fire in the same way. Think of a flood of water being poured over a mountain of packed dirt. Erosion occurs. If water is poured again, it follows the same route. This is why I need medication. It shuts those canals.
So, that's what I'm working on.
And I feel like a fraud in the healthy living community. Because as I am working harder than I ever have before, I have nothing to display. I'm eating. I'm gaining. I decided to stop weighing to take off some of the pressure and use my pants as a guide. I know exactly how to stop these things, and I do. It's just that I'm doing it more often.
But, my head is getting stronger and better. I am praying so much. That is something I have been wishing to be able to do. I'm feeling more maternal. I'm allowing myself to really saturate the happiness of motherhood. I've been really worried about that. I'm singing to my kids again.
Balance is coming. It's just going to take a very long time.
I am SO proud of your determination, that you keep coming back and trying again. you are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteJust sending a hug your way.
ReplyDeleteWell now, interesting that we both wrote about balance. So, you see, it's not just because of psychosis that people search for that. It's because it's what we need, psychosis or not. All I know about healthy living I can sum up with one phrase that has become my mantra as I've gone up, down, up, around but never to quite where I want to land: Keep on keeping on. It's the only way, really.
ReplyDeleteYes. It is so challenging to let ourselves feel pain, isn't it? I like the line from "Out of Africa," when Karen says, "I'm better at 'hello'." Life is messy and my struggle seems to be in learning how to accept that. Blessings on your path to wellness. (I came over from Design Mom...you have a very intriguing blog name.)
ReplyDeleteDon't you DARE feel like a fraud in the "healthy living community" because of having nothing to show. MY FOOT you've got nothing!!
ReplyDeleteThe thing about mental health is that it's more important than having a good BMI. You just can't see it on the outside. Getting a grip on all you are dealing with and coming to terms with it is way harder than losing weight. You are my hero when it comes to strength and stamina. Honestly, I don't know that I could function as well as you do if I were in your shoes. I think I'd buckle under the pressure and crawl into a hole. INSTEAD, you are putting yourself out there and letting others see the reality of your situation and family life. It's brave and powerful.
So- don't ever think that you have nothing to show. You show us all how to be stronger than we ever thought possible.
Love, Me
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ReplyDeleteOh, my dear, you are So not a fraud! You are very bravely the real deal, any and every way you slice it. I was nodding in marrow-deep understanding and agreement with every resonant line of this brilliant post. Thank you so much for writing it.
ReplyDeleteBig XOXO's!
There is nothing NOTHING fraudulent about you. Nor nothing evil. I am no expert, but my take on mental illness is that it's sorta kinda just like a physical illness but it's not understood the same way. So like someone might have pneumonia, someone might have psychosis. People don't say, "I AM pneumonia" and so you shouldn't say you are bipolar or psychotic. I hope and pray every day that mental illness gets the same attention and funding that other illness do.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, as I like to say, it takes as long as it needs to take...and that's okay. You are a bright shining star in my life. I remember sitting at a table having lunch with you at last year's Fitbloggin and you made a hugely positive impression on me. Don't doubt others' opinion of you.
Now, take a deeeeeep belly breath and repeat after me: I am okay. Even though I feel uncomfortable right now, I am okay. Repeat as needed.
IM late to this but wanted to comment anyway.
ReplyDeleteand am not happy (wink) Im commenting below the ever wise always well spoken karen either.
as I wanna SCREAM I CONCUR I CONCUR
with all of it.
oh
except I didnt get to have lunch with you.
:)
Thanks for the well wishes on my blog, much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteFraud is not what I'd consider anyone who is struggling with healthy ways. We all want to be something better than we are. Some get there easier, fsater than others. But no matter how difficult your jopurney will be, you will get there as long as you belief you will and work at it.
Have a Great Weekend!
Hang in there. Take one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. (once you have teenagers you'll understand the moment to moment thing lol ). I wish more people would realise that bipolar is an illness, a chemical imbalance. I'm so happy you got diagnosed while you are young. It is going to make a big difference in your children's lives.
ReplyDeleteBalance is SOOOOOOO important and you girl voice the real deal that some of us hide even if we blog. Thanks for your honesty and rawness. Someday it will help another to know that they are not alone. Healthy is what we all work for whether its psychological, emotional, physical, did I miss any other areas? Your doing so great keep at it girl and thanks for your min.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the telling that it looks cool, except I want printing to enlarge in areas that it won't and that buggies me. My faraway boy is going to be blown away at my techno no how now. Oh and if you want to try a lovely taste tell me its so dang divine. I can't tell you how divine you just have to taste it.
You are not a fraud. Living healthy is a lifestyle - it means you are trying your best to make the right choices. You are human.
ReplyDeleteYep, you are human. Balance. Easy word. Hard concept. I wish you balance JBS.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about emotional eating is that it's such an effective coping mechanism. We all need our coping mechanisms, especially people under the amount of stress you're dealing with regularly. Eating definitely helps you feel better quickly. So no, I definitely don't see you as a fraud in the healthy living community. You're working so hard to be healthy, and I don't want you to get rid of coping mechanisms. Coping is important. <3
ReplyDeleteI love you and I wish I could give you twenty hugs per day!!
That was amazing....and you dare to suggest I NOT read your stuff?
ReplyDeleteI am almost in tears, 1. for your struggles, and sistah 2. for mine
Minus the psychosis, I feel like I am there too, in the depression place, and the NOT. WANTING.TO.FEEL. and the eating...
You are brave and honest, and thank you for sharing.
Do you post more about the psychosis? when it was? I am just learning about it here.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. I shall do the same.