Putting Down Roots

In my culture there is a parable that has been told to me since before I remember them telling it to me. It is the sort of thing that is embedded under my skin. A part of my mind and heart.  I planted some seeds this very weekend.

This time the parable struck me differently.

Parable of the Sower

Seeds fallen by the way side = wholly unprepared.

Stony places = no depth

thorns = crowded out

good ground = varied results

The “Ah-ha” moment was that this can apply to any decision I am committing to.

There were four kinds of ground, or earth that the seeds were cast onto in the parable. The first was the seeds that fell by the wayside. These were accidents, like hearing an idea by chance. It’s not likely that I am going to commit to a decision that just flits across my life. If I’m not prepared for the idea, and I have not prepared my life to accommodate the decision, it is going to be about as productive as leaving seeds on open, grassy ground to be eaten by the birds.

It’s just going to benefit somebody else.

So in the past year I would apply this to my emotional eating. It sounded good, but I thought I was doing just fine. Besides, I’ve been to lots of counseling, therapy, and dealt with my emotions. I totally and completely did not think I needed it.

The second type of preparation was the stony soil. These seeds sprang into life quickly. It is warmer on a rock than it is on the ground. But, there is no nourishment in a rock. There is also no solace, no haven, no protection. The parable said they withered because they lacked depth. I’ve never thought of depth as being a haven, but it’s true. The depth with which I make a decision matters. Commitment has staying power, ensuring the ability to see past the immediate problems, stressors, and failures.

It seems to me that this could apply to my commitment last year as well. I was completely committed. I exercised. I ate right. I was thrilled to see results. However, there was always a fear in the back of my head. What if I went psychotic again? What if Chickadee had another regression and I couldn’t handle it?

I didn’t think I could handle it. That fear just lived in the pit of my stomach, and didn’t go anywhere. Because I didn’t have any answer. When it did happen, that fear rose up and consumed me. I made it through. But my ‘new’ commitment did not.

I think I’m getting an answer for that fear.

Third, the seeds were scattered in among thorns. These were choked out by what was already there. I looked at this like I hadn’t cleared out the ground enough. Maybe there was bare ground. It could have been cared for and watered, but if I don’t let some things go, there isn’t going to be room for me to do this new thing.

Makes so much sense!

See, my commitment to healthy living and my commitment to my mental health and daughter have been in conflict. I prioritized, and eating healthy lost. I told myself that I needed to cope, and I needed to cope the best way I knew how. I was not devoted to coping with new techniques while I felt besieged.

Truthfully my skills were too fragile to be able to take it. I did not deal with my emotions when I lost all my weight last year. I just reined them in. I’ve never dealt well with strict adherence to anything. The more stringent I have to be, the more quickly I feel the stress, the fear, and the perfectionism coming back.

I looked at it like it was either or. Either I could stay sane taking care of my daughter through the nightmare of losing more skills, or I could stay healthy and go crazy. I think I’m finding a way to do all three, because they are all equally important.

The final type of ground was the good ground. Fertile. Prepared with care so that the thorns, rocks, and waste are removed from the equation. In the parable there are varied results. I think this is only fair. Not only because some people take better care of their gardens, but because sometimes there is a drought. Or in Utah there were hail storms, early/late frosts. Things beyond our control.

This gives me hope. I can be slow. I can be consistent. I can be devoted to myself, and choose something like flow writing to make myself feel better than a cupcake. It’s not going to work every single time.

So, I’ve decided to throw any time constraints on my journey to a healthier weight out the window. What I want to focus on now is feeling my emotions.

Stop running away.

Do you use any philosophies or tools that aren't typical to help you in an unusual area of your life?

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