Two days ago, something happened that I didn't know I'd been waiting for. I opened three envelopes. Two from our insurance, and one from Chickadee's secondary support insurance for kids with special needs. It's supplemental provided by the state, and without it this family would've gone bankrupt within a year of her diagnosis. I am so grateful for that insurance. Thanks to everyone for paying taxes, and I've never felt happier to pay ours.
When I saw what they held, I let out a breath I hadn't felt myself holding for two weeks. The first was the supplemental insurance saying Chickadee's hospital stay was covered. The second was our primary insurance saying that Chickadee's hospital stay was under review and in all likelihood would be approved.
I felt a wave of relief I was completely unprepared for. It seems that I do this all the time. I go into preservation mode during a crisis. I've always been used to thinking I will 'clean up' my feelings and emotions later so that I can put them aside and attend to matters at hand.
Here's the deal. I'm not okay. I'm medicating with sugary foods two or more times a day just to get through simple conflicts or problems. I've been dealing with so much stress for so long with these illnesses of Chickadee's that seem to stretch back to the beginning of the year, that I have too much to process. I am usually able to process after a week or so, but I haven't had time to recover between sprints.
Yet, I've done better than I ever have before. I'm not okay, but I have tools. I have support and I'm working through it. Right now my eating is not so healthy all the time. I'm not condoning that. However, if it's the steam valve on my pressure cooked life I'm going to use it right now. Therapy, meds, tools (including exercising, meditation/prayer, writing) and support are supplemental. Part of my disease is that I have to avoid perfection at all costs. Eating is the sacrificial lamb this time.
It's so not about the food.
Here is something that's kept me going, something that's made me happy to be who I am. To hold my head up, and fight my dragons.
If you've already seen this PSA I highly recommend this video about making it. Bring Change 2 Mind is a huge reason why I'm getting so much more okay with bipolar. I'm functional. I'm stable. It's okay that I'm having a hard time right now. That's normal for me. I would be very worried about myself if I weren't struggling.
What helps you fight your dragons?
When I saw what they held, I let out a breath I hadn't felt myself holding for two weeks. The first was the supplemental insurance saying Chickadee's hospital stay was covered. The second was our primary insurance saying that Chickadee's hospital stay was under review and in all likelihood would be approved.
I felt a wave of relief I was completely unprepared for. It seems that I do this all the time. I go into preservation mode during a crisis. I've always been used to thinking I will 'clean up' my feelings and emotions later so that I can put them aside and attend to matters at hand.
Here's the deal. I'm not okay. I'm medicating with sugary foods two or more times a day just to get through simple conflicts or problems. I've been dealing with so much stress for so long with these illnesses of Chickadee's that seem to stretch back to the beginning of the year, that I have too much to process. I am usually able to process after a week or so, but I haven't had time to recover between sprints.
Yet, I've done better than I ever have before. I'm not okay, but I have tools. I have support and I'm working through it. Right now my eating is not so healthy all the time. I'm not condoning that. However, if it's the steam valve on my pressure cooked life I'm going to use it right now. Therapy, meds, tools (including exercising, meditation/prayer, writing) and support are supplemental. Part of my disease is that I have to avoid perfection at all costs. Eating is the sacrificial lamb this time.
It's so not about the food.
Here is something that's kept me going, something that's made me happy to be who I am. To hold my head up, and fight my dragons.
If you've already seen this PSA I highly recommend this video about making it. Bring Change 2 Mind is a huge reason why I'm getting so much more okay with bipolar. I'm functional. I'm stable. It's okay that I'm having a hard time right now. That's normal for me. I would be very worried about myself if I weren't struggling.
What helps you fight your dragons?
My truth box. I try to focus on the truths of a situation and not the games that I play with myself. It's hard yards, but it's how I calm myself down.
ReplyDeletehugs. you're doing amazing.
I am sorry you are struggling. BUT, it is SO good to see that you are ok with who you are. I am so ok with who YOU are...more than ok :)
ReplyDeleteI just watched the videos. They were fantastic. Thanks for showing them.
ReplyDeleteI need to pass them on to my office and all my clients.
I do the same thing... let the fear of what's behind the closed door almost paralyze me. Only to open the door and see that it's an exit and there is sunshine and flowers out there.
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome. Period.
That is an awesome PSA. Here's what I'm learning lately for myself. Life does not revolve around food. Food is just part of my life. So if I screw up with food, my life is not destroyed, because food was never the center of my life anyway. Sure, I strive to improve my food choices 'n such. But life is so much more than that. You know about my reverse food journaling thing. But I suggest a little twist with you. When you mess up some with oversugaring, journal something that is STILL awesome about your life. Even if it's a mental note you make and not physically writing it down. What I'm trying to say here is that the phenomenal woman that you are can NOT be overshadowed and diminished because you ate too much sugar.
ReplyDeletelove you much! xoxo
Girl you rock and I know a few loved ones who are going to see that very cool video that you posted. Thanks so very much. So very glad that the monies came it really is a huge relief that we just never realize is hanging over us if we have to do the clean up when its a medical expense.
ReplyDelete