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Build Up Again

ruin is a gift.
ruin leads you on the path to transformation.
-eat, pray, love.

portico d'ottavia


So, after I last wrote I have been mulling things over a lot.

My mother accused me of putting myself last when I called her. We're wanting to go to North Carolina for Spring Break. But, the van needs work, Chickadee has a pre-op appointment for her tonsils and adenoids, and my prescription is out. I held back that last bit, knowing she wouldn't approve.

I'm going to take care of it. I'm never going off it. I know that she had to drop everything and run to watch my kids when I was hospitalized. I understand where she's coming from.

But it isn't true. And I told her so, for the first time in the moment.
  1. I bought myself bigger pants last week so I can still feel confident and a little sassy.
  2. I have clocked in 86 miles this year already. Including missing almost 6 weeks due to Chickadee's illness. Just to help me take care of myself.
  3. I write on this blog so much. I process what I thought was inexpressible. I say what I'm going through.
  4. I am a community builder, and it comes back to support me.
  5. I take my meds. Everysingleday.
  6. Because I love ME. I love who I am. I love who I am becoming.
When my mother said that to me I felt my earth shatter, crumbling to pieces. I felt like all my confidence slipped away from me in the wind. This weekend I've been fighting off the feeling that she is right. That I'm on the brink, that I'm a small.

Luckily, Eat,Pray,Love came out on Netflix, and I watched it. Also, I taught a church class on Courageous Parenting. I found that the principles that I taught all the ladies about parenting apply to me. The 5 principles for parenting were family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, family dinner together, and regular one-on-one interviews with each child.

So. For me, I am going to focus on
  1. prayer and meditation. being okay with quiet feelings.
  2. scripture study. immersing with positive media.
  3. family time.
  4. dinner. even when Mr. Survival isn't partaking.
  5. interview myself with free flow emotional writing.

I feel put back together. I feel like I have a plan. I feel hope and full.

And I still love my mother. So much.

Comments

  1. MizFitMarch 28, 2011 at 5:55 AM

    I love your mom, too.

    My mom would have told me to keep putting myself not-first and commence whining about it more or my APTLY put playing the martyr.

    Your mom.
    Your plan.
    RIGHT ON THE MONEY.

    Carla

    ReplyDelete
  2. ChrissieMarch 28, 2011 at 9:45 AM

    I love the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I'm glad you feel 'put back together'. I, too, feel more in control when I have a plan. Ok, I'm heading over to Netflix now to watch the movie. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. HelenMarch 28, 2011 at 9:46 AM

    You know your mom means well so that would make it easy to love her, right? Ahhh, just like you and your chiclets, she only wants what's best. It's good that you told her and better that you made a plan.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The Incredible Shrinking WomanMarch 28, 2011 at 2:24 PM

    I like the idea of ruin leading to our transformation. It's 100% true. I know it sucks major donkey kahonas going through it (how I know that pain) but in the end, we are better for it. And you ARE a community leader, and just like with Chickadee's dog, that community is here for you. Virtually or otherwise. :)
    So your mom is worried about you. It's her job to call you out. But it's your job to do the best you can. Just because you do things differently than she might doesn't mean it's wrong- it's just different. And different leads to medical breakthroughs and emotional healing! So you keep marching to your own drummerm, JB. It works for you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. ConnieMarch 28, 2011 at 5:08 PM

    I love how you are able to articulate the stuff that hurts, even through your pain. I just went through something with my mom -- she said something which I perceived to be an expression of doubt about my own growth over the past several [bipolar] years, an indictment of my current coping skills. It wasn't exactly this, but it immediately sent me into a spiral of self-doubt and questioning what I've come to see as unquestionable personal growth through struggle. She's an amazing individual, and mom, so her opinion of me has always mattered tremendously. When I thought I had disappointed her, it hurt an awful lot. But even greater growth is coming from dealing with this self-doubt, coming through it stronger. I know you are doing the same, JB. As always, keep the faith . . . and I can hear that you are.

    ReplyDelete
  6. KCLAnderson (Karen)March 28, 2011 at 9:41 PM

    "Because I love ME. I love who I am. I love who I am becoming."

    Big BIG smile :-) This is where it all starts.

    Your mama knows that too. And if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Tami@NutmegNotebookMarch 30, 2011 at 4:19 PM

    Beautiful list of things to focus on.

    I find that even though I am now 51, my mother still mothers me. She always thinks I am doing too much for others and not enough for me. It is a natural instinct and I can see myself doing the same to my children long into their adulthood.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yum YuckyMarch 30, 2011 at 10:13 PM

    I needed to read this tonight. It only solidifies the decision for the changes I'm making right now. me Me ME! No, that is NOT a selfish statement.

    ReplyDelete

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