I feel . . .
DEFEATED
- Rett Syndrome took me by surprise. Again.
- Mr. Survival was emotionally unavailable due to the loss of his father.
- The Beast diet was much too restrictive.
- Moving.
- Unemployment.
- Not being able to get the care for Chickadee that she needs. (stupid money)
I look at that list now, and the anxiety is mostly gone. Except for the unemployment. And the Chickadee needs. What I see is things beyond my control.
Instead of compulsively reacting like anorexia or cleaning my house, I turn to something else. I rebel and do what I want to do. The way that I have found that doesn't mean dropping my responsibilities is to eat what I want. If life gives me lemons, I turn my back and comfort myself with food.
This is faulty thinking.
Did we hear myself?
EATING WHATEVER I WANT DOES NOT GET ME WHAT I WANT.
What do I want?
I've thought that I should be healthy for Chickadee. It's been suggested to me too. That she needs me. But it doesn't work. That puzzled me until I read this Rett mama's post about her Split Life.
It clicked. I exercise for me. Exercise is my vacation.
Eating is an escape.
What on earth do I want for me?
- I want to write.
- I want to be a successful author.
- I no longer have to be within society's idea of healthy (I will get there gradually and healthily)
I'm still at a loss for what to do when {not if} tragedy strikes again.
What are things that empower during unavoidable chaos? How can defeat be avoided?
*photo credit
Thank you for donating for Chickadee's service dog. We've raised enough now!
I wish I knew! I tend to stay stuck on the chaos wishing it never happened instead of moving past that and focusing on a solution. I've always been that way! I say in my head over and over, it's done there's nothing I can do to change it, move on! But, that doesn't seem to work. I think it's a special kind of skill that I wasn't born with. I think it's also a curse of being a control freak, I think that I have control over it all, when really, I know I don't.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I tried to avoid chaos for the longest time. Now, I embrace it. Sometimes, things get so bad that you just have to laugh and run with the craziness. Scream later.
ReplyDeleteMy life has been emotially chaotic due to a series of unexpected deaths for going on 2 years now. Exercise is what I will not compromise on. The rest? Well, I keep trying to work it into place a teeny bit at a time. Defeat can never completely be avoided but it can be overcome.
ReplyDeletewow! a direct link. i'm honored. :) i, too, need to write. and exercise. those are my two biggies. we should really meet someday. i'll be in boston this year. will you?
ReplyDeleteI lean on Jesus. That's my short and most direct and to the point answer. Sometimes we just gotta stop trying to figure it all out and just listen for His voice so He can lead us. Remember - you are the Sheep. He is your Shepherd. While you're trying to figure it all out, don't forget to let Him lead you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am with Josie on this one. There are nights I turn on "churchy" music and sit on my floor and CRY. I ask God to hold me and let me sit in his lap for a while. And on the nights I need it most, I swear to you I can feel arms holding me tight.
ReplyDeleteI can't control a darn thing in this world but myself and my actions and reactions. Honestly, accepting that has made me a stronger person. It's not my job to control the world, just control myself. (Which sounds so easy in theory... ;)
So you wanna write? Write through the chaos. Let that be your escape. Don't focus on making it sound good, just make it honest. Getting our hearts poured out is the best form of Mama therapy. And I'll read anything you've got!
You do exactly what your doing one step at a time. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteHave the faith that he wants you to learn and grow and in the end it will all be ok even if it's not ok because your right its not if its when and who knows when our when will come to have to face another learning struggle. When the when hits I say carry me Lord or at least let me lean really hard on you Heavenly Father and any others who can help me through. I am here to hear you and today I am committing to a 10K race because you asked me to commit;)
Defeat may not be able to be avoided, but I think how we react, respond, and adapt is important to also consider, as well. Do you get back on the horse and give it another go, or does it take longer to process and move on?
ReplyDeletePolar's Mom
www.polarspage.blogspot.com
Let go and let God?
ReplyDeleteEmbrace the chaos?
Acknowledge that defeat is actually *part* of the process not something to be avoided at all costs?
See it and believe it?
Understand that it takes as long as it needs to take and that getting there is most of it?
I find guided meditation and soothing music work well for me to keep anxiety under control.
ReplyDelete