Just about any news I have listened to in the past week was a charged experience. On Tuesday, January 11, 2011 NPR's Diane Rehm had an emotionally exhausting show. For me. It was about "Serious Psychiatric Disorders Among Young Adults." Their mission and goal was to encourage people to get educated about mental illnesses. To know the signs.
While all of this advocacy was going on, I heard the tone in their voice. I felt the distinct separation going up. I saw scenes flash before my eyes. I tasted fear again.
Technically speaking. I am 'seriously psychiatrically disordered' and from what all the panelists were saying, a hair's breadth away from being exactly like Jared Loughner. I am the 'they' that the show was about.
Me.
I felt the searing pain again of two best friends that were uneducated in mental illness. We were pretty close, relying on each other through young motherhood. I was the one who-at the time-could never say no. They took advantage of my good-nature. Piled on favors. Cared nothing about my boundaries.
They were my breaking point. One very much pushed me into mysticism, and my manic mind accepted what I would never believe otherwise. She was the reason I accused my father of unspeakable things, declared grandiosity and practically broke with my church. The other friend was something of a silent partner until the end, when I found out that the two of them were laughing about my crash and burn behind my back.
That was when I realized they weren't my friends, and broke things off. I went off the deep end two weeks later. Psychosis was the hardest thing that ever happened to me. Including everything from Chickadee. Bar none.
I remembered from the hospital:
He came in yelling. He was so loud. The policemen could barely contain him. He thrashed around, and he was huge. I was scared, but the policemen were there with their uniforms, guns and badges. Then they just left, taking off the handcuffs as they went; and I was stuck in a shared bedroom that anyone could walk into. I had no guarantees that he wouldn't be in the room next to mine.I also felt a slap across the face when I ran across these in the course of the week:
"I'm trying very hard not to get political on FB (it has cost me a few friends) but this nut case didn't even listen to talk-radio or watch news TV........ He was just a nut case who bought a gun!" Friend's status liked by 10 friends on Facebook
"I doubt any white people hope a suspect isn't one of them -- it's just not relevant. They don't suffer as a group because of the actions of a few bad white people such as Timothy McVeigh or Eric Rudolph." Dean Obeidallah, CNNI do feel alone. I feel very much alone. I take personally each and every time someone says, "Those people should..." Every name that they have for crazy is being used right now. Each time I hear one is a tear at the edges of my heart. I don't care if you take away my right to a gun. I honestly don't. I've never liked them.
I do care when I hear that I should be locked away as a preventative measure. I think about my children and what they would do. I think about what would happen to Chickadee without a full time caregiver. I think about my dozens of closeted friends and their children, jobs, and other responsibilities. I mourn for our pain, and the fear we all have of being exposed. I hope nobody like the friend above will follow the bridge from my real life Facebook to this life. I've tried so hard to keep them out.
Most of all, I keep silent.
Instead of retreating into our comfort zones, can't we all just comfort each other?
Thank you for donating for Chickadee's service dog.
Amen! You keep being proud of you, JBS. No one can say otherwise. We all have things we struggle with- the difference is you actually took the time to get treated. You want to be better and functional. That is the difference. You CARE.
ReplyDeleteSo you are not Jared. You are a strong, passionate woman who cares for her family. You may have issues but you know your limits and what you need to do. You aren't ignoring your signs and symptoms. You are doing something about it and that is what matters.
Beautiful. It never occurred to me as this story has unfolded how all the talk about mental illness might affect the countless individuals who have a mental health diagnosis, under successful treatment and as productive in society in every way as I think I am.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you put this out here. Until mental illness is de-stigmatized and the general public gets a clue that a disease is not a person's fault or a moral failing, this kind of rhetoric will continue to saturate the media.
You are not Jared Loughner. You're a wonderful wife, mom, tireless supporter and advocate for ALL your children and a wonderful writer, to name a few of your attributes. And you bring up the fact the millions of us are among the faces of mental illness. Compassion is right.
I have not been listening; thanks for opening my eyes. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteLeslie said it best...and I'll add this. Mental illness is a continuum and we're ALL on it!
ReplyDeleteI just this minute got finished watching our President's speech on You Tube. Yeah...what he said.
God JBS - I'm so sorry about those non-friends. I'd do anything to take that hurt away...I'm just so sorry. YOU - are every one of us...and this was one of my fave posts ever by you.
ReplyDeleteRAW to close to me. Isn't there a privacy policy somewhere in all this media blitz?
ReplyDeleteKey points: Comfort
Compassion
Education
Trusting
True Frendship should be Chrislike
Children are left with fear too like what might happen to me and to my Mother if she dosen't stay all right. We can not lock everyone away in this world because what would we all have in the end, definatly not a world of humans pretty soon. Like I said raw. You are amazing, keep advocating, you are not alone EVER.
I've been down the road of "friendship" too many times. So many times I have trouble truly trusting some people. I've been used and abused by friends so much I can't even count. It's really sad.
ReplyDeleteno words to add.
ReplyDeletejust my friendship.
Carla
I don't even know what to say. Except that I love you. And I thank you for writing this with such honesty.
ReplyDeleteI get the first hug at Fitbloggin. I am prepared to beat everybody off with a stick.
Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteI read that post and I commented on it. I hope you didn't take offense to what I said. I think her post was written in terms of everyone fighting over the talk radio and had nothing at all aimed at you. I think her point was more that it was ONE person with a mental illness that did this and there are millions of other people with mental illnesses that didn't do something awful like he did. There are a lot of people living with mental illness every day that are coping and living but there are a lot who NEED help and aren't getting it. I don't know about the locking up part...I don't think she ever said that. I don't remember anyone saying that. I do believe that if you commit a crime, yes you need to be counseled and put on whatever medications are appropriate but you also have to be put somewhere where you aren't going to do anything else to someone until you get the help you need. I know you are a great mom and your children are lucky to have you but would that be as true if you hadn't gotten the help you needed?
I know it's hard to not take offense but people generalize all the time...oh those mormons (we all devil worshipping people with 4 sister wives, right?), oh those southerners, oh those black people, oh those fat people. That's human nature and we have to take it for what it is and not personally.
Ok, this is longwinded and I'm not trying to offend you and I hope I haven't but I had to say what I think.
Amber
Amber,
ReplyDeleteNo no. Not you. I thank my lucky stars for friends like you. I know that the person who put up that post was not meaning to be offensive in any way. It just struck me that I was taking it personally.
The locking up part was from callers on radio talk shows. Or from comments on news stories after the event. Now people are starting to talk reasonably again.
You are completely right. If I had not gotten the help I needed, I would be a dangerous mess. That is the point I was trying to make, but got distracted by needing to give so much background information.
I'm so sorry if I've upset you. I've been so upset, that's the last thing I want to cause anyone.
I grew up with a mom who wasn't diagnosted as having bipolar disorder until she was in her mid 40's. My sister and I thought her mood swings and everthing that went with them were "normal". I think it's great that you are getting treatment now while your children are young.
ReplyDelete