Friday night, I cleaned up Chickadee's Gtube, and left her to vent. This helps her "burp" up the air she can't get out on her own. Venting has helped her reflux so much that we've halved her dose of medicine. None of her formula came up, I thought it was weird. But, she needed to vent, and I thought she was just letting up all the air.
Anyway, three hours later I'm going to bed. I use my cell phone to light my way and look at the tube. I need to put any fluids back inside to keep the digestive system in balance. Once again, I saw an empty tube.
So I removed it. It was dark, I tried to cover up the tube with the gauze, and I felt wetness.
"Crap."
Yeah. She'd had clear digestive fluid up her tube. I just dumped stomach acid all over her.
That's when it happened. The thoughts.
"What kind of a . . ." "I can't believe I just . . ." "How could I?" "Why didn't I just turn on the light?" "I hate that I do things like that." "I can never be enough." "I can't be a good enough mom to her. No matter how hard I try, I can never do it all." "I shouldn't bbe her mom." "I'm not good enough."
"I need a treat."
Terrible thinking. Focusing right in on the negativity. All or nothing thinking. An honest mistake. My typical response.
Then, I had a breakthrough. Like a baby taking a first step.
Instead of stuffing it down, instead of finding a way to be strong, I did something different. I took a deep breath and went to ask Mr. Survival for a hug. We talked. I let out the horrendous thoughts tormenting me.
I asked for comfort.
Know what? I got it. I didn't eat. I didn't fester, I didn't kill another piece of respect for myself for good. We blew it back to life, and then we went and cleaned up Chickadee.
So, also like a baby learning to take an independent step, I have had my eyes opened. I realize how hard it is to catch myself slipping into thinking like that. I know I'm going to fall down, that I'm going to resort to treats to assuage my feelings. Like a baby resorts to crawling.
I have also had my eyes opened. There's a whole new way to do things. So much better. So much more efficient. It's exciting and challenging. A bit beyond my grasp right now. But definitely on the horizon.
*photo by clothkids
Please remember to donate for Chickadee's therapy dog.
I Love this post. I understand it. I've been there! Hugs! From one rett momma to another!
ReplyDeleteyou did find a way to be strong in that moment.
ReplyDeletefrom this outsider's eyes you are one of the strongest women I know---in every moment.
Ditto what Miz said! You are an amazingly strong woman!
ReplyDeleteAll we need is love. Sounds trite, eh? It's not. Love love love...
ReplyDeleteWow I remember doing a dump in Little guys ear of acids of course by mistake but ya it created horrible results, thank goodness his body was able to fight that mistake that I made off. I too should have turned the light on when trying to burp his feeding tube. I would say things in my head too and finally I just had to block all the stuff and say hey things could be worse we might not even be here trying to do this. I love how you posted this the rawness and yet you faced it and got the other half to help fix it up. You are doing an amazing job and my heart banged hard as I read and the tears of salve came to me to know that I am not alone in my mistake and yet we just keep pluggig on.
ReplyDeleteMy goal is 120 by the end of this year if my body is willing.
And about the Christmas can money, The boys usually just pick cans up off the side of the road through out the year but we found this guys huge mess all over his yard and so they bank rolled like they have never before done. Along with the fact that they were serving the wife by helping her clean up what the wind had made a huge mess of blowing cans everywhere. Please have an amazing day and know that I just sent you a big hug.
<3<3<3
ReplyDeleteLove you, my sister. Great post.
Love conquers all! Even the love you need to have for own self. Now keep on loving yourself and growing stronger. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so amazing! Congrats on finding a healthy way to deal with your feelings. One baby step at a time!
ReplyDeleteWow, my friend. A powerful post. It takes guts to try something new. And then to say it out loud. I have a whole lot of respect for you. And a whole lot of love.
ReplyDelete