I Have Been There

I've been seeing some people talking about pregnancy.  I've also found a new blog talking about postpartum.  She even has a chat on twitter.  This has sparked memories, and unresolved thoughts.

More and more this topic is near and dear.  I just feel for that scared young woman I was, and for the others out there that don't know how to navigate the waters of mental health in and around childbearing. All women need to be aware of their mental health.  It is the barometer of life.

Here are my top ten warning signs that mental health needs attention:

10.  Seclusion

Friends and family who used to be welcome are no longer so.  Going out becomes oppressive, insurmountable. Unwelcome visitors cause a meltdown after they leave instead of annoyance.

9.  Intrusive thoughts.

The thing about a lot of symptom lists is that they sound so detached and sterile. Intrusive thoughts can actually mean that cupcake calling like a siren wooing.  Just over and over again.  Or wondering if the stove is off so much that it feels bonkers.

8.  Caring too much about what others think.

Doing things because of expectations.  Being miserable because everyone else is always getting the best working moments in a day.  Trying to literally use every piece of sage advice given.  Building up self worth by out-ranking everyone in achievements.  

7.  Drastic.

Changing fundamentals of life rapidly.  Home, religion, philosophy, relationships and anything else that gets in the way of a newfound self.  The key is that these changes occur in quick succession, and that they seem to be irrational by close relationships.  (Or what were close relationships before the onset of changes)  Money is also a symptom.  Unusual behavior with money should be looked at.  Always.

6.  Insomnia.

Staying up too late.  Busy thoughts upon awakening to pee or take care of a child that prevent going back to sleep. Oppressive anxiety that awakens and continues to nag with worries.

5.  Super-Heroism

After the initial feelings of being overwhelmed subside, a new feeling of competence arises. Instead of reevaluating and eliminating unnecessary stress, everything is tackled.  Especially worrisome when successful.

4.  Emotional Island.

 Feeling that all the negative emotions inside are too terrible to share.  Hiding all excess fears, insecurities, and negativity from others to spare them. Feeling unable to breach the wall built to keep others safe from the abyss of despair.

3.  Wanting to die.

So much more than wanting to take a bunch of pills.  It can mean wanting to curl up and just let everything stop.  For a very long time.  It can mean needing to roll over and stare at the bare wall before forcefully getting out of bed. Not remembering the last laughing or smiling experience.  People don't just wake up and commit suicide.  There are steps up to it. 

2.  Omniscience.

 Knowing what comes next.  All the time.  Shutting down when things don't go the 'right way'.  Or exploding.  Or making excuses to get out of situations that 'went wrong'.

1.  Better than ever.

You need no help.  You are certain that you will never be depressed, anxious, or especially mentally ill.

So, to me this is pretty obvious that anyone at any phase of life should seek out help if they experience any symptoms like these that are interfering with life.  But I wanted to say something specific to those experiencing these symptoms during pregnancy, or up to two years after having a baby.

You are not alone.  I have been there.  Never let anyone turn you away.  I know it is difficult to pick up the phone.  I feel your pain, the defeat, and the sinking feeling when they tell you the appointment is more than two weeks away.  Do not give up.  If you are not looking forward to holding your baby, get help.  If you are unable to go to class, complete work assignments, or social obligations contact a professional.

Most of all:  medication is not defeat.  First trimester medication can be necessary at times.  Do not let them downplay your condition, but also allow yourself to be reassured once you've been completely honest about your symptoms.  All babies need a mother that is able to be present, loving and comforting.

All people are worth the trouble.

Do you know anyone [or you yourself] who has been troubled with these kind of symptoms?  How can we begin to have open conversations that make topics like these safe?  Is it possible to talk about these symptoms with non-professionals without making ourselves worse?


*photo by Elizabeth Ann Photography
**I am NOT a mental health care professional. These are based on my own experience. Please consult a mental health prefessional for your own mental health advice.
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