Lately I've been standing up for myself.
I'm not sure what I really sound like if the real person isn't behind my words. In reality I'm a scaredy cat pansy. I retreat from confrontation, and I will accommodate just about anything or anyone if it means they will leave me alone without criticizing me. I do think constructive criticism is valuable.
I've just had more than my fair share of criticism in general.
Oh, boo-hoo poor wittle JBS. That's what I think straight off the bat when I think about why I shy away from criticism. It's something that is almost as easy as being able to eating sugar in a balanced way.
It's about as easy as finding Santa with unicorns driving his sleigh.
Mostly it's been about defining who I'm okay with coming to my house and why I'm okay with it. Or when I'm okay with it, and how long. I wasasked unexpectedly told I would have a visitor[s] for two to three weeks over Christmas.
Instead of just accepting it and working myself into hyper drive to be able to have a clean home stuffed with unhealthy expected food (which it doesn't really matter who the visitor is, I would be MORE unhealthy to make sure the visitor had a good time) and dealing with the stress, I stepped back.
Mr. Survival had just been gone for a week and I was left to myself. I was driving the kids to the old school between 2-4 hours every day. I was working hard on therapy for Chickadee. More than I have been. I confronted the garbage people. I sorted out prescriptions, G-tube issues, and distraught kids worried about changing schools. On top of that I blogged.
I was maxed. Someone else wanted to fix a problem during that time. One with the house. I wasn't comfortable with this person being in my home without Mr. Survival there. To save me if it got too long and chatty, and mostly to keep me feeling safe and secure. The person wanting to fix the problem knew that Mr. Survival wasn't here, and that bothered me more than anything else. I didn't want him to come. I told him I was simply too busy.
So. Now my potential visitor has canceled. Not only the visit. But it seems this person is pretty offended. Like a lot of people, visitors are never questioned in this person's world. I have committed the ultimate faux pax. One is gracious and accommodating to visitors. One adjusts one's schedule and life to joyfully partake in the celebrations. I have been trying to do this my entire married life. Until a few things happened.
Someone is depending on me. For the rest of their life. I want to be healthy for her. I want to be there for her. What makes it even more difficult is that I want to be there and have a healthy relationship with my children as well. Which means I've got to be okay.
Growth hurts. I've learned that in order to reduce stress I've had to learn to deal with the conflict that comes from me saying no. I don't like it, it creates another different kind of stress. A good growing stress. Uncomfortable.
Last night Mr. Survival talked with the home fixer person and arranged an appointment to answer his own questions about the house. It's only logical to me that he be the one with the appointment. To my great dismay I heard him say, "Well, I didn't push your wife or anything. I know she was just out having fun."
That did it. That was all it took for me to have bad dreams and confrontational nightmares about both situations all night long. Having fun indeed. Ugh.
My visitor might not ever know that I told Mr. Survival that I'd made my decision and I was okay with it. He told me they'd cancelled the day before. My home fixer person will never understand why I was too busy. Or even believe that I-a mere homemaker-could be.
But me and my brain, we know. And we're better for it.
I hope.
Do you have any stories about telling people news that inconvenienced them? How did they deal? You?
I'm not sure what I really sound like if the real person isn't behind my words. In reality I'm a scaredy cat pansy. I retreat from confrontation, and I will accommodate just about anything or anyone if it means they will leave me alone without criticizing me. I do think constructive criticism is valuable.
I've just had more than my fair share of criticism in general.
Oh, boo-hoo poor wittle JBS. That's what I think straight off the bat when I think about why I shy away from criticism. It's something that is almost as easy as being able to eating sugar in a balanced way.
It's about as easy as finding Santa with unicorns driving his sleigh.
Mostly it's been about defining who I'm okay with coming to my house and why I'm okay with it. Or when I'm okay with it, and how long. I was
Instead of just accepting it and working myself into hyper drive to be able to have a clean home stuffed with unhealthy expected food (which it doesn't really matter who the visitor is, I would be MORE unhealthy to make sure the visitor had a good time) and dealing with the stress, I stepped back.
Mr. Survival had just been gone for a week and I was left to myself. I was driving the kids to the old school between 2-4 hours every day. I was working hard on therapy for Chickadee. More than I have been. I confronted the garbage people. I sorted out prescriptions, G-tube issues, and distraught kids worried about changing schools. On top of that I blogged.
I was maxed. Someone else wanted to fix a problem during that time. One with the house. I wasn't comfortable with this person being in my home without Mr. Survival there. To save me if it got too long and chatty, and mostly to keep me feeling safe and secure. The person wanting to fix the problem knew that Mr. Survival wasn't here, and that bothered me more than anything else. I didn't want him to come. I told him I was simply too busy.
So. Now my potential visitor has canceled. Not only the visit. But it seems this person is pretty offended. Like a lot of people, visitors are never questioned in this person's world. I have committed the ultimate faux pax. One is gracious and accommodating to visitors. One adjusts one's schedule and life to joyfully partake in the celebrations. I have been trying to do this my entire married life. Until a few things happened.
- bipolar NOS postpartum psychosis.
- Rett Syndrome MeCP2 deletion of the third and partial fourth segment
Someone is depending on me. For the rest of their life. I want to be healthy for her. I want to be there for her. What makes it even more difficult is that I want to be there and have a healthy relationship with my children as well. Which means I've got to be okay.
Growth hurts. I've learned that in order to reduce stress I've had to learn to deal with the conflict that comes from me saying no. I don't like it, it creates another different kind of stress. A good growing stress. Uncomfortable.
Last night Mr. Survival talked with the home fixer person and arranged an appointment to answer his own questions about the house. It's only logical to me that he be the one with the appointment. To my great dismay I heard him say, "Well, I didn't push your wife or anything. I know she was just out having fun."
That did it. That was all it took for me to have bad dreams and confrontational nightmares about both situations all night long. Having fun indeed. Ugh.
My visitor might not ever know that I told Mr. Survival that I'd made my decision and I was okay with it. He told me they'd cancelled the day before. My home fixer person will never understand why I was too busy. Or even believe that I-a mere homemaker-could be.
But me and my brain, we know. And we're better for it.
I hope.
Do you have any stories about telling people news that inconvenienced them? How did they deal? You?
I'm glad you're standing up for yourself and having the guts to say "no". It's part of the process of a becoming a healthier person. So now, when I DO make the decision to say yes, I feel empowered, like I'm in control of my yesses and noes, not stressed out and arm-twisted. (except for in Yoga - I love those kinda arm twists)
ReplyDeleteWow - great post. (And wonderful title by the way...you are one. smart. woman.) Why is it so much easier to throw ourselves under the bus than risk "someone" being ticked off? Or just disagreeing? Sounds like you're moving in your own direction, and that's beautiful. Thanks for the role modeling.
ReplyDeleteSo I congratulate you on one amazing stick up for yourself. Maybe he/she did have other motives and thats why they or he got all mad. If your busy your busy and to bad for them. I think your time is under your control and if your playing who cares its none of their buisness. Keep sticking up and saying no when it isn't working for you. ;)
ReplyDeleteSaying "no" is hard. Here's to being strong:)
ReplyDelete"Growth hurts." You said a mouthful.
ReplyDeleteMy struggle recently has been figuring out how to say no in such a way that it's not hurtful and/or which does not cause confrontation and/or guilt. I am not sure there is a way. And so that's why it hurts. Thank you for being a role model.
Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteSome people, no matter what, will be offended. You do what you need to do honey. Stick to your guns.
I agree with Helen. Some people will get offended. They're going to react. It's their issue, not yours. Don't second guess yourself. No need to explain. They're clearly the "wrong" people.
ReplyDeleteYou know what I think? I think you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. The right person will always understand. It's the "right" people you wanna keep in your world :)
I believe in that inner voice that tells what is okay and what feels well just wrong. You did the right thing!
ReplyDeleteYes. I have a friend who lately sucks the energy out of me and I have been avoiding her calls because she sucks the life out of me. I love her but I just cannot talk to her when I'm home alone because then I have no excuse to get off the phone.
ReplyDelete