I get most depressed during the stagnant times. When it's between the times that I can do anything. Or fix anything, or declare something a failure and move on.
I thrive when there is a bullet list keeping me so busy that I can't think.
Actually, thrive is the wrong word. I operate smoothest. Because there is no time to process any of the emotional gunk, and it gets thrown off to the side to be dealt with later.
Like the last box that I packed that is full of pens that don't work, clothes hangers, a few batteries, and the missing socks I've been looking for all three years I lived at the last place. I can't unpack it until the very end, when I find the garbage bags.
That is how I've been operating to get through all this.
That and sugar. I am not joking when I say that I've been supplementing my meds with sugar. Not joking at all.
The thing is, I'm not sure I can do it without the sugar.
I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to eat emotionally. I know how to stop, I know what to do. Honestly? I just don't know if this ball of wax is going to stay together without it.
I listened to the Diane Rehm Show as I was driving what felt like 4 hours to the old school and back to the new house 4 times. It was good. Mark Vonnegut has written a book called, "Just Like Someone Without Mental Illness Only More So" It was a really good show. He's had 4 separate hospital visits for his illness, yet is a practicing pediatrician, and started training for that career AFTER he had his first three episodes. His last episode was at the hospital he works at, arriving at the ER in a four point restraint. He still works there now.
He said, "All mental illnesses basically boil down to the same thing. It is an inability to take care of the self."
It struck me, how true that is. Also, that manic phases are characterized by people feeling extremely important. Another thing he said that struck me was, "you're not alone, and you're not in charge"
You know what? I think I can keep going. That really helps me realize that I can drop a few balls of laundry, or dishes, or perfect children's anything, to be able to take care of me. I'm going to be sloppy. I'm going to be a mess.
And that's okay.
My goal in the morning?
Treadmill. that's it...
*photo credit
You are going to be sloppy
ReplyDeleteYOU WILL BE A MESS
Im pretty damn frequently both of those things as well and, IMO, its called living.
Here's to the treadmill (*clinks protein shake glasses*).
Have a good workout :)
Auto pilot is where I do my best too. It's when there is a lulled in the action that I have time to feel. Just one right choice for "me" is always a step in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteAs always, I love your writing.
Why is it so hard for moms to put themselves first every once in a while? It reminds me a bit of the whole eating healthy vs. eating crap thing for me... I know that eating healthy is better for me and for everyone around me... so why don't I commit to getting it done? Sigh.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the treadmill:)
Treadmill is a very good goal.
ReplyDeleteSloppy and messy are ok.
You are brilliant, even if you don't know it.
It's funny, yesterday, for some reason, I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed...over nothing! And I realized when I read the first line of this post that that's what it was about: I felt stagnant!
ReplyDeleteSo anyway, yeah...treadmill baby! You've got this!
I have learned you will be better all around if you take a bit of time for you. Treadmill time is important for Sanity in my oppionion.
ReplyDeleteIf you do the treadmill I will go for a walk in the cold! Deal?
ReplyDeleteI love you. That's it.
ReplyDeleteTwo blogs in one reading session that have encouraged me to get back to exercise. The other is
ReplyDeletehttp://www.diminishinglucy.com/2010/11/science-of-really-bad-day.html
Only you can make ball-dropping sound so eloquent and worthwhile. Atta girl. Go drops some balls. I totally approve.
ReplyDelete