So. I'm staring at a new blank blog post. I've been distracting myself with my Google Reader. Or cleaning up after miss THANG being sick. Or distracting Chickadee so she won't barf.
And, washing blankets, towels, washcloths, bowls, cups, and all the dishes Mr. Survival cooks breakfast with. In essence, I've cleaned everything in my home. Almost. Except I was sick on Saturday and Sunday. So I've just sort of kicked the dirties along with my foot. Or waited until there were enough dishes and a long enough stretch between sickies to dash them back to the sink.
Now, one long yakky chat with my friend Traci later, and the sink is empty, miss THANG is chipper, and Chickadee kept down every feeding today. I feel like I accomplished quite a bit.
I'm a little dissatisfied with how compartmentalized my life is though.
Because I know that in the fitness arena since sick, I suck.
I think this is why I've been having a harder time posting. I've been lackadaisical. I'm off track. This sickness bout has probably made me gain. I haven't checked.
I don't like to feel like it's all or nothing.
Anywhere.
Yet, with moving, sugery, visiting family, religious ceremony, packing, shutting down a business, and dealing with bad medical news I have neglected gigantic swaths of my life. Yes, necessarily. Yes, I did my best. No, I don't think I was neglectful.
Thing is, my kids needed more of me. Needed. I needed more personal time. I did my best, it has to be enough right? Here is where grace [should] come[s] in.
I want. A Place where I am wholly accepted. Like here. Even when I'm not accomplishing my goal. I saw this girl today. She kinda used to annoy me. Teensy bit. I was SO wrong. I was jealous. Am jealous.
She had this thing. Look on her side tab. From 8/12/09 to 5/15/10 she never once posted a gain. That annoyed me. But, she was honest. She posted pictures. It was how she did things. She's awesome.
Now she is struggling. She is still honest. She's doing pretty darn good. But, I looked at her comments, and my heart stopped. I would die if I got some of those comments. I wouldn't reply, or be mean, I would just think it was true. Then I would work my tail off into the 'clearing in the forest' and collapse. I don't think-from reading her blog-she has my problem.
I believe in honesty. I believe in big change. But just now I believe in changing that frozen mountain underwater so that I can actually be sure the 1/3 out of the water is just as healthy as the rest of me.
That is a BIG mission.
*photo by TerryMcT
Ah - honesty. Well, I wrote about it myself last week. And there are certainly days when I don't want to write a blog post because I don't want to say what I should say or I don't want to say it again. Sigh. But the blog keeps me going, the community, knowing others are out there cheering me on or experiencing the same thing. As I am happy to do for you:) Yes, your blog is the place you can be yourself and feel the acceptance and love. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI got so sick of it all that I took a 3 month break from my blog. I still watched what I ate, but didn't try to lose. I needed a BREAK. I needed to step back and relax. Now, I'm back and energized and ready to go again, only now? I think I cut myself slack. I think I'm nicer to myself. I'm not quite sure what I'd do if someone posted something mean in my comments. Probably kill them.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny (not) how this whole body issue/weight loss thing is going to last for a LIFETIME? It helps to see people who just keep going, even when they struggle or have sick kids or are sick themselves. It all helps. Great post.
I love how you say that. Mean comments wouldn't get posted on my blog it brings everyone down. You can take a break whenever you need it because being sick makes that happen and even some days not being sick does it. When you need to be back on track is when you will get yourself back on track, for me that is a daily assesment.
ReplyDeleteLife isn't all bubbly, happy and easy. It contains peaks and valleys and we just have to stay the course and do our best.
ReplyDeleteSome days our best is better than other days. That is real life.
Some days being a mom is so easy and rewarding and other days it sucks and it feels like our kids are sucking the life right out of us! But then that passes and things get a little easier and we feel good about it again.
I think sleep deprivation makes everything more difficult.
You don't have to be perfect, doing your best is all anyone should ask you to do. It is all you should ask yourself to do.
Stop by my blog and enter the free cheese giveway!
and love this post as you love hers for your honestly.
ReplyDeletethe raw feelings of JEALOUSLY that you were willing to share.
love your writing.
and I too am WORKING TO BE THAT ICEBERG not in fitness right now but in another area.
we're all struggling I think in at least one area or we arent living .
Miz.
Thank you.
ReplyDelete