So, this is the post I've been trying to write for days now.
A friend of mine recently told me, "I think it's really important for people of faith to realize: they might go to hell. I find it to change my attitude into a healthier position. One where I don't assume my own righteousness. Or that my goodness outweighs the inevitable bad."
I think this would apply to any persons of any philosophical persuasions.
For me, it has been just as important to realize, I might be a bad mother. Hear me out on this. Because it's true. I present a certain portion of my motherhood to everyone I meet, I don't indicate the nasty tone in my voice. I don't present how that has caused a particular sag in the shoulders of my kids.
Me.
I did that. Now that I'm coming out of the comatose state caused by Chickadee's regression, and Mr. Survival being in mourning over his dad. Now that I'm discovering I'm still alive.
Again.
I'm okay with the fact that I did the best that I could. Sounds cliche, and trite, but it's true. I tried really hard to do the right thing by my kids, Mr. Survival and myself. I couldn't have done better without winding up in the loony bin again. So, I'm fine with that.
What tears me up is that I
I literally thought I was going to fall to pieces. Her therapists kept moving back D-day. As in, "We've got to keep her pulling up to stand. If she can just keep that . . ." then moving back to, "If we can just keep her doing stairs." Still later, it would be, "Keep her crawling, give her whatever she wants." and finally, with real desperation, "Keep her standing." There were always danger clouds in their eyes when they said that. Everyone in the room was aware of what would happen if she stopped standing.
Life becomes a cruel new level of hard. At least from the head on perspective.
We woke up one morning after a few early warnings. It was gone. No standing whatsoever. No weight bearing. Nada.
I shut down. I pulled back. I couldn't deal. She didn't seem like she was stopping her regression. I felt like another part of my future died. One that was so battle worn, it didn't look like it was coming back. I lost a light in my own eye. I mourned in my own heart. It made me unavailable to her.
Me.
I did that.
That is why it is important for me to wrap my head around my standing in motherhood. And that, is why I'm eating emotionally again. Whenever I look at her and feel sad, I have a series of dominoes that go off about how I need to do better for her. How she literally would not be so bad off if she'd had me Present. The list goes on and on.
Suddenly I find a stick of butter in my hands, or brownie batter in the pan on the stove. Or donuts being passed through my car window. I hate donuts. It seems to be this leveling out of justice. Sabotage, assuaging, medication, and fierce rebellion all in one.
So. This is me. Pushing myself to just jump in again isn't working. Feeling it out seems right. I think exercise is my key to hitching a ride on the wagon again, and I will work through this emotional thing with food gently.
Thanks for listening, it's my language of love.
*photo by readerwalker
**Also, my good friend MrsFatass is posting today at Peanut Gallery Speaks. Come give her a read!
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ReplyDeleteI think this is what emotional eating is for all of us. We say it makes us feel better in the moment, but it doesn't. It's punishment. It's beating ourselves down, sabotaging our own progress and health because we don't feel good enough.
ReplyDeleteI don't care how many times you raised your voice, or what you did to get through an unimaginably difficult time. You are NOT a bad mother. You are so full of love. You cannot give everything of yourself all the time, even to your children.
Hearts.
JBS, all I have for you is hugs and prayers. (( ))
ReplyDeleteOh JBS, my heart goes out to you. I think every mom struggles at some point or another with thoughts of being a bad mother. But you have been dealt a lot and I can not imagine how hard that has been on your whole family. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI love the way you write...though I hate the hurt behind every word. You are doing the absolute best with what you have...period. That is more than most do. Many have the best at their fingertips and act the worst on purpose. You are the kind of mother many want to be and I'd never say that if I didn't mean it. Everyone in your family is lucky to have you...and I am lucky to call you a friend.
ReplyDeleteFunny (ironic, not funny-ha-ha) but that's exactly what happened to me. Even though I couldn't control his regression and wasn't responsible for it, I was barely available as a mother to my two boys. It sucked.
ReplyDeleteThen I got over it and moved on and focused on my kids and making the best life for them. And sometimes it still sucks but it's so much better!
While my story pales in comparison to the heart-wrenching difficulties you're experiencing, I've had some very similar feelings about my relationships with my kids, especially due to issues with my oldest. Its shaken my very core as a mother, filled me with doubt, regret, shame and sadness. I hear ya. I feel ya. <>
ReplyDeleteI am not a mother (I am a stepmother and that has brought its own unique pain) but I will say this: NO child grows up unscathed. NO parent does it "right" (whatever that means) 100% of the time.
ReplyDeleteI know you know this.
What's really awesome about this post is your awareness...now that you know that your feelings about all of this can't destroy you, you know that your feelings about all of this can't destroy you.
You can't go "back." Progress has been made. <3 you!
You are brave to write this. And I am NOT going to try to offer you words to feel better or to convince you to take it back. Know why? I get it. I get feeling like the bad mom. The one holding them back or causing their problems or making them worse. I get the need to balance self-preservation against being that selfless always-doing-the-right-thing thread that keeps the family together.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I need to try to talk you out of feeling that way, because it doesn't serve a purpose. But I WILL say that when you said that jumping in isn't what works for you, but feeling your way seems right? That's how I know you'll pull out of this in time and in your way.
And in the meantime, kids are strong and resiliant and yours are as intelligent as you.
AND THEY KNOW YOU LOVE THEM.
As do I.
I did not have a child with special needs. Except that she was. Her father and I divorced when she was 3 and then when she was 6 he just left. For 15 years she didn't have and physical contact with him because he chose to move to another continent. That child was abandoned. She had needs. Then, under the weight of all of it, I abandoned her too in many ways. I spent her entire freshman year of college in mourning. For what I had done to her and ultimately to myself. Sometimes even now I slip back there.
ReplyDeleteWe all (parents) make mistakes, some bigger than others. Yum Yucky already said what I was going to: You're doing the best you can in the situation you're in.
That is enough. It really is.
Is it possible (yes, please say yes). That when you look at pretty Chickadee's regression and want to grab a donut, that instead, you say to yourself, I'm going to be healthy for Chickadee. Would that compel you to resist the food urges?
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. It's good to get it out. And it's good for us to read it. You really are showing us the road on your journey beyond survival ... and survive you will .... heaven awaits you I'm sure. L
ReplyDeleteThis is a brave post and I just feel for you. Moms in the best of circumstances get down on themselves and question their mothering, and your circumstances are such that I can't even begin to know what it's like every day for you. I do know this - you're normal. You're a normal mom in extraordinary circumstances doing the very best you can.
ReplyDeleteDo some exercise, even if you just go for a walk. It will make you feel better. I'm wishing the best for you and your family and thinking of you.
You're a good mother and I love you. Others have said it better, but I just wanna add mine in.
ReplyDelete