I've been writing all year about being a trainwreck. I was comfortable with that. Then I began feeling better. So much better. Drazil, YumYucky, MizFit and Mrs Fatass. Corletta, Lisa, Helen and Leslie. HCGWillpower, Deep Fried Fruit, SoyMamiyMas and so many more too. They all helped me feel real. Like a valuable human being in spite of that pesky bipolar NOS label on my back.
I am trying to mother, be a therapist, pack up a home (this isn't getting done AT ALL), and keep up with this blog. I'm determined to keep trying. Never fear.
It's just that I'm a recovering perfectionist. Nothing seems good enough for me. Nothing that I do lately anyway. I don't like a messy house. Or yelling at my kids. Missing blog posts is like a cheese grater on my brain. Most of all lately, I hate watching Chickadee and wondering if I were able to take more meticulous care of her . . .
Futile, given her condition.
I'm avoiding packing up my house.
I'm starting to wonder what exactly I AM doing. It is a difficult thing to guide my thoughts away from such negativity. My prescription lapsed for three days. I was desperate to get there. But I wasn't able to for a variety of reasons. I suppose that is the real deal problem.
I am taking things slowly. Gently. Day two of full strength meds and deep sleep.
I had one thought that cottoned onto me.
C25K.
My friends laugh and mock me as I fall deeper into my "iLife" when I say "there's an app for that!" without any facetiousness. I purchased what looks like a highly recommended app. I shall start lessening the bump in this couch from me blogging and let Beansprout jump on it more to fluff it up. Hopefully the extra energy from running will make me a more efficient maid o' the house. Watch out MrsFatass, JackSh*t, and all you other C25K'ers... I'm out.
No. It is not insane to add on another project responsibility when I just whined so much earlier. I am insane. What works for me not to be insane is to have a commitment exercise program I'm excited about, and plug myself back into the community I love.
So, thank you for all your support. Loving my broken trestles, and cracked iron works just the same as if they'd been whole. You all have really made a huge impact in my life.
Thank you Thank you.
Please leave in the comments similar communities you have. Please don't include me, because I want to practice my gate crashing skills and spread the awesomeness from this circle to many many others. Three, four friends that have changed you this year?
I cannot seem to find my center.
I am trying to mother, be a therapist, pack up a home (this isn't getting done AT ALL), and keep up with this blog. I'm determined to keep trying. Never fear.
It's just that I'm a recovering perfectionist. Nothing seems good enough for me. Nothing that I do lately anyway. I don't like a messy house. Or yelling at my kids. Missing blog posts is like a cheese grater on my brain. Most of all lately, I hate watching Chickadee and wondering if I were able to take more meticulous care of her . . .
Futile, given her condition.
I'm avoiding packing up my house.
I'm starting to wonder what exactly I AM doing. It is a difficult thing to guide my thoughts away from such negativity. My prescription lapsed for three days. I was desperate to get there. But I wasn't able to for a variety of reasons. I suppose that is the real deal problem.
I am taking things slowly. Gently. Day two of full strength meds and deep sleep.
I had one thought that cottoned onto me.
C25K.
My friends laugh and mock me as I fall deeper into my "iLife" when I say "there's an app for that!" without any facetiousness. I purchased what looks like a highly recommended app. I shall start lessening the bump in this couch from me blogging and let Beansprout jump on it more to fluff it up. Hopefully the extra energy from running will make me a more efficient maid o' the house. Watch out MrsFatass, JackSh*t, and all you other C25K'ers... I'm out.
No. It is not insane to add on another project responsibility when I just whined so much earlier. I am insane. What works for me not to be insane is to have a commitment exercise program I'm excited about, and plug myself back into the community I love.
So, thank you for all your support. Loving my broken trestles, and cracked iron works just the same as if they'd been whole. You all have really made a huge impact in my life.
Thank you Thank you.
Please leave in the comments similar communities you have. Please don't include me, because I want to practice my gate crashing skills and spread the awesomeness from this circle to many many others. Three, four friends that have changed you this year?
**slinks off**
ReplyDeletemy community is, indeed, your community.
You, Miz, Ryan, Steve, Drazil . . .
ReplyDeleteDo you read Results Not Typical Girl? She's my new girlcrush. And she just might be from your home state, I can't remember.
You know, my friend, this might be a good time to remember that we just need to be okay letting a ball drop. Remember? Deciding daily (or hourly) which one we're going to let go for now?
And Chickadee is just fine. I mean, she just potty trained you for Pete's sake.
Yay C25K too. It's good for the crazy. I speak from exprience.
I would have been slobbing in a corner this year if it wasn't for my Visiting Teaching Companion, my co-worker, my daughter,and my Visiting Teachers. Not to mention my ward family. I know you know what I'm talking about.
ReplyDeleteWish I was there to help you pack. Moving is the worse and should be avoided at all costs.
Hope the meds help and that by now you are feeling better
Eh! Moving is a PITA no matter who, what, when, where or state of mind.
ReplyDeleteAnd juggling? Leave it to the clowns at the circus.
My fav inspiration du jour? Jack Sh*t. Just my kind of guy.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteProcrastination will bite me in the butt every time. (See Monday's post.) Hope you're feeling better.
ReplyDeleteAs for the answer to your questions, well, you actually inspired a whole post out of me. Please to go to my blog today
I have really felt the blog love this year. I never expected that or knew it was out here. I don't like to promote my own posts in comments, but you might find it interesting that just today I wrote about something totally unrelated but actually mentioned it as an analogy for packing one's house at the very end of my post. And I am not moving! Weird coincidence. Now go kick some c25k butt and let the endorphins flow:) Hugs.
ReplyDeleteReading your posts often brings tears to my eyes, usually in a good way, but sometimes in a way that hurts just a little. I don't have a community right now. I have been struggling with things in the last year, without really having anyone to help lift me up out of the depths. I want a community, but one cannot be wished into existence. I have been absent from blogging for the last few weeks, and am having a hard time getting back into it, knowing that it doesn't make much of a difference whether I do or not.
ReplyDeleteMine are similiar to yours. Shelley, Helen, Leslie, Susan, Sarah - they are unwaveringly supportive and I feel so blessed to have them rooting me on!
ReplyDeleteLove you JBS!
Oh gosh there are so many - and you are one of them for sure. Crap - you told me not to say that didn't you? I know about perfectionism but I'm also figuring out that's a fairy tale and no one notices even when I think I am being perfect....so why do I obsess and worry so much about it? I'm proud of you - for focusing on a goal...
ReplyDeleteI tend to be quiet and internalize. Not sure if that's good for me? But my (not on purpose) top secret list of community people surely includes YOU! I just luv ya likes that... now who is the Deep Fried Fruit person?? Surely I must find out....
ReplyDeleteUm, well, the ones you mention and you ... PLUS Wanderlust at www.Wanderlust.com and Lucy at www.DiminishingLucy.com
ReplyDeleteand Jen at http://jemikaan.blogspot.com/
Lovely wonderful and inspirational community this blogatron ...
I know how to cure perfectionism have 6 energy filled ever mesy farm living boys. Add one Hubby who is never afraid to bring a sick animal into the basement and one pretty girl who hates to clean unless its a poop covered horse trailer and you will give up and start saying this to shall pass over and over again. My have to reads are many but I am inspired by YOU. Angie Making Every Day Count, Lynn's Weigh, MrsFatass, Helen, and Skinny Mini,that'll be me! and many who are not bloggers too.
ReplyDelete