I'm buying things I want. That I deserve and have been putting off for a long time. But a lot at once. These are manic or hypomanic symptoms, since they aren't really disrupting my life. Yet. Nor will they. I'm nipping them in the bud. Gently, because I have been very restrictive in my budget for myself.
But also because I've been fighting these overwhelming feelings that I'm a failure. Like no matter how long I stay on the hamster wheel nothing ever gets better in my life. So many things aren't going right. My blogs (three now, HELLO jbs) are all experiencing a few technical difficulties. That takes my time. I'm exploring a new schedule that lets me have a little spiritual/meditation time. That is hard.
This makes me in a mixed state which I think you'll agree is pretty scary. I have all these fantastic ideas, and then feel like a failure even if I follow through.
To relate it to a normal brain moment, it's like when I yell at my husband over something stupid. Let's say spare socks. I get all steamed. Then in the morning, Ding-Dong! TOM is here to visit for the week. Then I get all weepy and emotional and feel like the Worst Wife Ever. We have a heart to heart. Possibly for hours. It's very draining.
Brain chemistry effected by hormones.
What's going on in my brain? No idea. But, I think it's pretty safe to say that the self medicating I've been doing every day at 10am 3pm and 8pm have something to do with it. Spikes in blood sugar. I feel desperate for the high it gives and feel the plunge down low keenly. miss THANG is affected too. I'm thinking we need to go no sugar.
I thought maybe you would all like to know that. That mental illness can be 'self medicated' and masked quite a bit by common household consumables. Coffee, caffeinated sodas, sugary cereals, baked goods, high fructose corn syrup, etc. These are all 'uppers' that my body craves when it is in a state of depression. Well, except coffee. I've never had that. Then there are the 'downers' like alcohol, cigarettes, and maybe protein. I'm learning to appreciate slowing down. I never have before.
Do you find yourself reaching for foods habitually? Might they be actually getting you 'high'?
Yours is the second blog in a row today where I have seen an amazing woman refer to herself as a "failure." And it strikes me that if you looked outside yourself, maybe wrote your story with another woman in the starring role, you would not think to use that word. Why are we harder on ourselves? Hugs JBS - you are an amazing woman:)
ReplyDeleteYes, I reach for food habitually. I am working on that. I don't think it is for a "high" though.
One of the reasons people gain weight during depression is because they eat so that their brain will release that feel good chemical serotonin. So of course food can be medication and make you high. My only advice is to get to your doctor with it so that proper meds can be doled out, or some other form of self medicating can be figured out. But I think you know that.
ReplyDeleteOh honey...hugs lovely. I don't have kids and/or a husband...but I can imagine that it's crazy hard. I think one thing that has helped me is that, although there's HEAPS that I want to do..I just try to do the best that I can with what I have. I remember throwing myself at tons of things to either take me away from where I was or to make me feel more validated. The peace that God grants us, is that we are enough in this very moment. It's hard, I suppose, to accept...BUT YOU ARE ENOUGH RIGHT NOW! IN THIS MOMENT. The whole sugar thing is physiological, yes. But I would garner that it's more psychological and becoming an escape from the feeling of inadequacy that you're expressing. Be patient, be persistent and don't give up hope.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking along the lines that Helen spoke regarding making sure your medication doesn't need tweaking, and staying in contact with your prescribing doc to inform him/her as to what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI know for myself that there are times when I'm very anxious or depressed, and literally my judgement gets impaired when in comes to acting on my own behalf, and in self-assessment.
Self medication is definitely one of my ploys - but I don't feel a high. Rather I feel distracted and less anxious/down/worried. It turns down the volume in my emotional landscape. My thoughts turn to "getting back on track tomorrow" from whatever my obsession du jour was prior.
Get the protein girl you know what to do. Do It. Your going to be ok. Thanks for the note my headache is gone Thankgoodness. Hug that Chickedee and love those lovely other two, stay focused on the most important making it through.
ReplyDeleteI think part of the reason I gained while I was going through all I went through was reaching for extra carbs and sugar, which only perpetuated my problems. Now that I am coming down off of it all, I am starting to feel better and realizing what I was doing. I sure hope everything levels out for you, too...and the sooner the better ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteYou are so not a failure in any way!
ReplyDeleteIt is sad how the mind plays games with us and won't always allow us to see ourselves the way others see us.
I think you are a brilliant writer, awesome mother and a devoted wife.
Oh yes food has given me a sugar high, numbed my feelings and helped me to feel better for a moment or two. Food does not judge!
Take care of yourself.
I love your blog! And your honesty!
ReplyDeleteI have an award for you over at my blog: http://hgr8scot.blogspot.com/
Do I get high on food??? Hello have we met??!! :D When I think about it I do catch myself using food like drugs. All sorts of drugs in fact. I see colors, hear music and leave this world sometimes... meaning food can replace a lot of emotions, fill in a lot of gaps and that where the danger hides for me.
ReplyDeleteIt is way past time I change all this and get serious now. Did you hear, I'm getting married in less than a year!! Oh NO!!!!!!! Total panic mode.
Time to smile no matter what. (I just feel happy cos I'm reading your blog again :) Missed you all.
Love
River♥