I am teaching once again today at church. This month the topic is kind of personal to me. Well, it seems they always are personal to me. I think I learn more preparing the lesson than anybody ever does sitting out in the audience. I teach once a month and my subject matter is chosen for me. It's a talk-or sermon-given at our semi-annual global conference that has been selected for me to teach about. I've always loved those global conferences.
Today, the topic is scriptures. I agree completely that the scriptures are wonderful. I know that roughly a fifth of my commenter friends are agnostic or atheist. I don't wish to alienate you all in any way, but I am proud to say that you are all very tolerant and magnanimous. I appreciate you indulging me today.
I've had a problem with scriptures since my psychosis. I am religious. There was a time when it was ninety percent of who I was. I literally cannot be that way anymore without risking my sanity. Psychosis tends to take the manic brain and what it is obsessing over and increase the speed to warp speed. For me it meant my crazy thoughts were extrapolations of my religion. My scripture. I was reading a lot of the Old Testament at the time, mulling over the strange parts too long. Trying to understand, be significant in my life.
So now, I have a hard time reading my scriptures. It's been like a diet. I make a resolution. Just a verse a day, or I'll listen to a chapter on the treadmill, or I'll do it at such and such a time. The reality is that if I were to read one verse three times a week, it would be an improvement over this past week.
My excuses seem to be valid. I have a hard time dismissing them. That bad aftertaste is still in my mouth. Why don't I just stop? Because I can't. I still believe. Not out of guilt, nor out of shame, nor even perseverance. What keeps me from the philosophical shatter that is psychosis is that who I am changes too much without it. I was so humbled afterward that I numbly rooted out many parts of my life that were nonsensical, or neglectful. But, I can completely understand anyone really and truly feeling agnosticism. Because it was the next step on the list for me. But, when I cut into it to remove it, I found that it was still 'wick'. Like Dicken says in The Secret Garden. It was still green on the inside. Still alive.
So I nurture my faith. As much as I can bear. I neglect it more, because I don't like to remember those terrible five days of incoherence. But, I feel faith throbbing there. Waiting for the winter to be over and burst into spring. I'm trying not to be scared. I must remember that the other 11,320 days were not like that. I too sang without melting my wax wings.
Ah, yes.
ReplyDeleteMy faith is still alive on the inside, too. My challenges and wrestling matches different than yours, but similar in that it is still there inside me, still in my family and my home. But we're finding a different way of coexisting than before.
Love this post. AND you. I'd love to be in the audience of your class today.
Your reasons for losing some faith are valid. When you go to such a place that dark - any memories of it nearly take you back there. I get that. I avoid anything that takes me back to my hole of depression like the plague....it's a fear you can't explain. But I think you and I know - a teeny piece of faith is why you survived it - which is why it's still alive. Good for you - facing fears.
ReplyDeleteI really admire you! It would be scary to immerse in a place/topic where you once felt unglued. Takes tremendous courage, but you know where it comes from.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're still wick. I'm curious how you work that within a relationship, because it seems to me that one person's dormant can really affect the other person's time of plenty faithwise.
ReplyDeleteI've been through times of near-inactivity and non-desire to exercise my faith before, but have been lucky to find that my faith has not completely died out either. Right now I am in the most faithfully active time in my life thus far, while my husband is less so due to having to work so many Sundays. In our family, it has always been kind of a trade-off - I can't imagine a time when we are both strong in it. I think what is important to remember is that Heavenly Father can see through you to where you are still green and growing inside.
ReplyDeleteYour blog looks purdy...
ReplyDeleteAnd I know many when they jump off the deep end to take it on a religious bent. It does make it so hard to detach the mental thoughts, emotions and spiritual promptings. However, I know that the balance is there for you and you are doing wonderfully well balancing it all. And when you don't, you start over again with faith that He who knows you better than yourself is there beside you.