I'm teaching in church today. Again. Again because I don't feel ready and I never feel like I'm ready.
I'm fighting off a lot of discouragement lately. I feel like I'm running a race and I'm never where I'm supposed to be. I feel like I'm giving my all, yet I'm late for appointments, forgetting things, and disorganized. I used to be so proud of myself for being able to schedule everything and get an amazing amount done.
Now the reality is that I need a good twenty minutes a day just staring into space, and another twenty minutes to process what is happening with my daughter Chickadee. Therapy is hard right now, at least home therapy. Every time I do it it reminds me that she might lose the very skills we're working on tomorrow.
I know it's worth it.
I know she will have better mobility, motility, bone density, lower rates of scoliosis, but I'm still mourning the first and second regressions. My brain just refuses to accept, move on and deal with the speed that this condition requires. I feel like I'm failing even though there's nothing that can be done. I can't bring myself to do the things that are the only things that could help, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm the one learning to walk, learning to push through the pain, and learning to feel the sadness.
I'm having a bad day.
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Praying for you. Grief of any kind is lonely and alienating, and sometimes I think that is the worst part.
ReplyDeleteMay you be comforted today, may you feel not so alone.
Hey, I love you. It's okay to feel down, and if you need to vent I'm here and I'll listen. You rock so hard, my dear.
ReplyDeleteGod if faithful, even when we want to scream at Him. When we want to scream at what he's given us. Even when you're feeling down and can't possibly muster up any more strength to believe or have faith in God, the situations, yourself. Hand all of your anxiety and stress over. Hug hon I have NO idea what you're going through. But I just want you to know that even though we've only me in the cyber world..I cherish and admire you on more levels then I could show. Remain as faithful as you can. Get angry, get mad, get it out...and cast it away.
ReplyDeleteI would love to be a fly on the wall in the room where you teach. I bet you are awesome.
ReplyDeleteThink of all the lives you bless, including mine.
Feel better, I'll keep your family in my prayers.
God can take it. I wish I could just hug you right now.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Your journey in life with your daughter is going to be tough. Some days you will wonder where you will get the energy from to face another day. But it can be done. My son is now 27. He is severely multiply disabled. Whist we gave everything up to give him the best we could, hubby and I also learnt that we also had to keep our feet in the real world and not live through Luke's disability.It's really, really tough to do this, but for your own sanity you must.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had a bad day and hope today is better:) Hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou will make it through and look at you still giving others a kind word. Your amazing and funny and this too shall pass just beat the overwhelm down and get out there and try running the emotion into the ground even if it is sloooow like mine. Can you imagine what it's going to be like to that queen in the kingdom of God standing there hugging her mother and father from earth telling them thank you after all the struggles with her earthly body and how you stood beside her through the thick and thin. It's a body and you know there is more to this then just that. You are strong and Heavenly Father knows it just keep clawing through the pain. She knew she was willing and you did to even if you forgot the plan in your hast to get here. You will make it hang on and smile little feel goods get relased when you do that.
ReplyDeleteIs there anything you can't do Rambette? You teach in church too? Listen - you do what you can with what you have. If you have a bad day - so be it. You're allowed that. You have the right to have that. It isn't wrong or right and doesn't make you less than - it makes you human. And one of the kindest, strongest I know might I add. I puffy heart you...I wish I could fix this for you but for some reason this is your cross to bear...what can I do to help?
ReplyDelete** Everything is alright in the end...if it's not alright...then it's not the end.**