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Carpe Diem Just for Now


We are taught so early to hate ourselves. Interesting isn't it? When the entire cultural 'Golden Rule' relies upon us loving others as we love ourselves.

I don't know when it happened. But I rebelled.

When I eat too much dinner, or I buy ice cream, I no longer motivate myself by screaming inwardly. I don't need toxic levels of disgust to be consistent. It's strange.

It happened after psychosis, and it happened after my daughter Chickadee was diagnosed with Rett Syndrome.

Until that point in my life I had never truly felt like I was incapable. I had always told myself I was horrible, selfish, fat, and so on, but I felt like I could change those labels at any time. I felt motivated by berating myself because there seemed to be an actual chance of change.

I did therapy, I lost weight, I managed stress. I earned an extra 4-8 years undiagnosed. I helped Chickadee escape diagnosis too. We did our own therapy every day. Because of my training I knew the milestones. Because of a special needs sister, I knew some therapy. She met each and every single one of her milestones. She earned an extra 5-10 months of abilities with her hard work.

I felt like some hard work and perseverance would help us escape anything. Absolutely anything.

Then reality came and our world fell apart. Synchronized disasters a year apart. I realized my control was always an illusion. I felt like I had nothing, I felt like i was worse than dead. Twice.

Picking my life back up and choosing the pieces I need has given me a new set of priorities. Life is hard. Everybody's life is hard. This makes my good times sweeter, and others' opinions of me muted. Most important I found that dealing with profound depression makes motivation and inspiration difficult or practically impossible. But there are a few things that work.

Live in the moment. Aspire slowly. Savor possibilities.


*photo by Vanessa Pike-Russell*

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Comments

  1. Diminishing LucyJune 22, 2010 at 5:44 AM

    Beautiful image, even more beautiful (and sane) words......

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJune 22, 2010 at 7:51 AM

    I love you sister.

    ReplyDelete
  3. NataliaJune 22, 2010 at 7:53 AM

    I love this "Live in the moment. Aspire slowly. Savor possibilities."

    ReplyDelete
  4. Karen@WaistingTimeJune 22, 2010 at 8:12 AM

    You are so inspiring! You continue to take the lemons life has given you and make not only lemonade, but lemon pie and lemon sorbet. I need to follow your example and look at the bright side of my life:)

    ReplyDelete
  5. HelenJune 22, 2010 at 8:43 AM

    The ONE THING that Pamela taught us is to live in the moment. Nothing more. When we went to Michigan for her memorial there were people there who hadn't even known how very ill she was because the week before she died, she was out and about LIVING.

    ReplyDelete
  6. MadScientistJune 22, 2010 at 9:51 AM

    I think it poses such an interesting thought. If we could only hold onto a certain amount of things..which would we hold onto?

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  7. TamiJune 22, 2010 at 10:14 AM

    You are an amazing writer and so gifted in being able to put your thoughts into words to share with the rest of us.

    You continue to inspire me to move forward and keep trying to improve my life. I am forever grateful.

    ReplyDelete
  8. :Deliciously HealthyJune 22, 2010 at 10:54 AM

    Hey there! I just found your blog recently!

    You are so strong, and inspiring! Great positive attitude!

    You read Nie Nie? I heart Nie Nie! Yet another strong and inspirational women!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kerri OlkjerJune 22, 2010 at 12:05 PM

    Wow, I think this is one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read. You inspire so many. I hope you are proud of you, because you should be!

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousJune 22, 2010 at 12:42 PM

    You.


    Are.


    Incredible.


    XOXOXXO

    ReplyDelete
  11. RoniJune 22, 2010 at 1:03 PM

    LOVE this..

    "Live in the moment. Aspire slowly. Savor possibilities."

    Wise words. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. A SISTER IN CHRISTJune 22, 2010 at 4:29 PM

    Love the post...and love you too ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  13. LoriJune 22, 2010 at 5:10 PM

    That was lovely and inspiring. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. ♥ Drazil ♥June 22, 2010 at 7:08 PM

    Beautifully said...as usual.

    ReplyDelete
  15. WillpowerJune 23, 2010 at 1:53 AM

    Living in the moment is so important. You are doing a super job of that in my opinion. Have an amazing great New Day.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Mary :: A Merry LifeJune 23, 2010 at 7:25 PM

    Love this post and you. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. You are truly inspirational.

    ReplyDelete

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