I've been an absolute wreck.
BEFORE is back in full force. I allowed movie night tradition to become soda, ice cream, oreos, pizza. Yes, I had salad. But I was completely and totally out of control. Numb.
I didn't care. I weighed myself Monday and I was 194. Today I am 198. Four pound gain in five days. I'm pretty sure I earned it. Just about. Okay one pound might be water from all the sodium and another might might be TOM. Again, I wasn't phased.
The thought that crystalized as I stared at the scale was this: I wish it was more.
Wallowing, sabotage, rebelling, filling a 'hole', addict, despair, NOTHING describes what is going on in my head. It's too deep, wide, and turbulent to name.
I prayed all day yesterday. I loved your comments. I've been trying to find somehow someway to weed all this out. I've been trying to bail out, wade through, or swim. It's not working.
You know what finally got through to me today? I thought about miss THANG sitting next to me watching our movie last night. I saw how my binge was on full display-which is an improvement over secret eating-and she was enjoying and participating in it. We ate oreos for breakfast.
She got called fat this week by the kids at school.
I am angry about that. And I can do something about it in a healthy way. We can play every day for an hour.
I did ninety minutes on the treadmill for all of our dreams.
Here's the bottom line: I need to stop trying to figure it out. I need to buckle down and get myself on autopilot. All the crap 'food' I bought is far far away from us. I am dedicated to becoming an exercise machine again. My house is now cleaner than it has been in a long time.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
I'm out to get tough.
You amaze me. You simply amaze me. I don't think you understand how much your writing/life inspires me to be more, do more and live more. You are never alone. Ever.
ReplyDeleteAmen!
ReplyDeleteGlad to see the fire is back in you, Journey. I hope that your day is better today and Chickadee too.
Thinking of you x
Your emotions are jumping off the page. I so wish I knew the right words to say... the words of hope and encouragement and support. I am picturing you on the treadmill, kicking some butt. I hear your resolve.
ReplyDeleteHugs
I am so proud of you. You just have to use what you've got, and if your kids work as a way to motivate you to keep going with these healthy habits, then that's awesome. What a great motivator.
ReplyDeleteAs for everything else you're going through, is there anything I can do to help? Fundraisers? Care packages? Research? Anything?
I am ALWAYS thinking about what I am teaching my daughter with all of this. ALWAYS.
ReplyDeleteAnd . . . kids would call Miss Thang something no matter what. That's what kids do.
Kids are evil. I'm not trying to make a joke. Kids get evil pretty quick because they don't know about consequences yet. Not in the sense we do. And sometimes their parents do not care much for "the other" or simply kids get scared of being attacks too much the best defense becomes an offense. I did not like school untill college. Can you tell?!
ReplyDeleteNow about you... thinking about your child and what you teach her can be a motivation to put a stop sign on those binges. But sometimes we just need some time to get on that mindset again or simply just settle whatever is going on in our heads. If you think you've had enough time already and need a stronger push, I have a little suggestion. Why don't you try doing everything perfect for one day. Just one day. Live every minute thinking about every step you take if you have to. Obsess about it. Just one whole day. Make it perfect. Then the next day it will be easier. (at least it is for me) We've all been there once or twice or 300 times.
Whatever you do, do not forget, you are a great inspiration and motivator for so many of us! That alone must give you the strenght you need. Because we find it in you.
xoxo River
You are tougher than anyone I have ever known. I don't always know what to say to you in these comments, but I am always listening...and praying. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteI cannot let what kids say to you or to each other effect you. They have not idea what the consequences are to what they say. My daughter has asked me tons of times if I still have a baby in my tummy. She has no idea that that makes me feel bad but I just have to ignore it and explain it is not nice to say that.
ReplyDeleteThe tough get tougher...
ReplyDeleteKids can be so cruel. They suck - they'll find SOMETHING to call someone else. My girl had another girl call her a baby on they playground - hi, my kid is THREE, she IS a baby. Sigh.
Don't get too tough on yourself, though. You have a tremendous amount of stress in your life - give yourself time to release it.