I decided to be evil one day last week. Just to be sure. I put a toy just outside her reach. No more than 18 to 24 inches away. You know, like the cat sitting calmly just outside the reach of the dog. I made her sit there 45 minutes. She got mad at about minute 5 and again at minute 15. It was her favorite toy.
But she couldn't get it.
She wanted to, but it was like the connection had been snipped with a pair of scissors. She would reach out, attempting to get out of sitting back on her heels. Then her bum would fall back onto her feet like a puppet whose strings are suddenly sliced. She had a surprised look on her face.
I can't handle that look.
It says, "that just worked last night, yesterday or last week" "what is going on?" Then she would do it again. And again.
The cat clearly enjoys torturing the dog. But with me and Chickadee it is different. It warps everyone's mind that sees it. Unfortunately, it is necessary to know for sure. Some forms of torture should be impossible and I'm pretty sure I'm guilty of war crimes.
I'm glad I can write to assuage my guilt and dampen my anger. I don't want to blot it on her. Her hope is so bright that I want to be her foil.
So, I'll do it again. Because it helps her. To push, to labor, to not accept the first blush as a final answer. The only thing worse than torment is the abyss of defeat.
I hope participating in the study will bring you some more answers.
ReplyDeleteDespite the stress you must be under, you really are doing very well. Keep it up and when you need to vent, we are here!
Cheers,
Missa
LosingEthel
Thinking of you often with your challenges with Chickadee. I admire your dedication and strength. There is nothing worse than defeat.
ReplyDeleteI hope the study brings you some help and answers.
I would not call that torment. I would call that love.
ReplyDeleteI agree with MrsFatass. You love Chickadee and yes, as a parent seeing your child go through things is torment at times......but your love is what I see/feel when I read your posts. Dont beat yourself up. I hope the study is something that will help you both! Your in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteWe parents have to do many things that may make our children upset, because we know it is good for them.
ReplyDeleteYou need to push, need to test - because you know that is what she needs.
Big hugs to you today - I hope the study provides some answers.
It is tough being a parent and sometimes doing the right thing can be painful.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mother!
I hope being a part of the study brings you even more help and answers.
It sounds like you are doing what you need to. I hope that you are also taking care of yourself. Whether that be by prayer, exercise, meditation, or a bath...do spend some time to unwind. By the way..I am sending a hug your way!
ReplyDeleteYou aren't torturing her, you are loving her. Love isn't always warm fuzzies, sometimes it has to be tough. As her mother, you know in your heart what's best for her. It also helps you understand what's going on with her, so you can tell the doctors, which ultimately benefits her. Don't beat yourself up...you are definitely not a cat! :)
ReplyDeleteExactly. It is love. Tough love...tough on you mostly. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt's true, you push and test because you love her just like kids push and test because they love us. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you.