I hate it when an epiphany strikes. More often than not, it sets off rumblings that threaten to bring down an avalanche.
Writing that post yesterday got me thinking-which we all know is terribly dangerous-about those dastardly circumstances. I thought about the twenty pounds that are gone, and I thought about the thirty-two pounds left. All in the mother's lounge at church. Chickadee made up her mind that she wanted to show with all her might that she is indeed a two-year-old. She wasn't quiet, she was throwing a tantrum. The whole time.
Which gave me entirely too much time to think. I thought stupid thoughts, such as: What did I do to deserve this? Why on earth is this happening? And then came the thought that I have never let myself think. The one that I am ashamed of.
Take it all back. Just take it all away.
Yes, that was me talking to my Father in Heaven. Chickadee woke up and started having even more of a fit, so much so that I had to take her out to the van and try driving around. Silly Momma forgot the binkie. Stupid. Stupid. And yet, with her screaming there in my arms I decided once and for all that it's done. She is my Chickadee and as horrific as this trip in Rettland has been, it has defined us. I guess you could say I'm a big believer in the refiner's fire. I realized looking into her face that she wouldn't be the same. She just wouldn't be my Chickadee. And for all my work, I do love her so. Now, I'm not saying I would go AMA and not give her any medicines that might develop. I'm just done wishing it away.
So why am I torturing you with this? Because I messed up last night. I'm going grocery shopping today and I made pancakes. And I fudged my Lent and had syrup with it. It's not breaking it, it's walking in the gray that I've been avoiding it. So, this is me trying to avoid fallout from my epiphany.
How do you avoid disintegration? Especially concerning emotional epiphanies? Does it effect your weightloss?
Oh honey. Let me just say this: I love you and I love your honesty. Life is hard. Feelings are cyclical. And above all, shit happens.
ReplyDeleteNot too long ago I vlogged about a binge. I showed everything I ate, which included refried beans out of the can. But yesterday I talked about feeling inside out good.
So I suppose that for ME, I avoid disintigration not by being perfect, which I'm not, but by figuring out how to pick myself back up after a hard day. And as quickly as possible. It has taken days or weeks or months in the past, but right now I can sometimes do it the very next morning.
Epiphanies are draining. I wrote the post about nothing changes until I do, then immedately headed to the kitchen. Holy smokes.
So. Keep praying and writing and pushing on, and I'll be right here with you.
Thanks for your post...it is so hard to have to deal with your child being in any pain or discomfort that it normally sends me straight to the kitchen as well. Though lately Ive been trying to detour and go to the bath...or headed upstairs to watch my little one sleeping peacefully, or to the book shelf. Anything to stop the forced feeling eating...and blogging so helps me as well. A great way to process the emotions, it is. And turning to my peeps, even in the blogosphere...but you know that.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, we are all with you.
your doing amazing dont beat yourself up about one day
ReplyDeleteand its ok it be upset about things let it out
never hold these things in cuz we all will just turn to food
for comfort
You are not the first mother (special needs child or not!) to wish it would all go away. Give yourself a break. Emotional triggers have more power over me than any other sort. I'm not sure I know yet how to deal with all that. What I am really good at is picking myself up, dusting myself off and trying again.
ReplyDeleteWow, we must be on the same page. I woke up this morning thinking about triggers also. Thank you for this piece.
ReplyDeleteYou came here and you owned up to it! That is big, in my mind. Sending you moral support as I struggle along with you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteAre you kidding me? Everything effects my weight loss. I will be honest and tell you that everything effects my weight loss because I let it. Why? I think it's because it's easy for thing to derail me from things that I am not 100% committed to. Don't know if this makes any sense :) Anyways...thanks for your encouraging word on my post. I'm pumped that you are a part of the Corletta is crazy huddle :) We can do this!!! You hear me?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteJeez you guys. I can't read these comments without getting moist eyes. Really. Beansprout and Chickadee keep looking at me weird. Thank you!
ReplyDelete@MrsFatass- You know, I believe I linked to that vlog a while back. That was a light bulb moment for me. I still admire you for it, and I'm glad you put it out there for me to see. HUGE help. Huge.
@Holistic Health Coach-Tri Mom- Seriously, Anything to stop the feedbag! But blogging is such a tremendous help. I admire you with your determination and persistence. I'm in awe of your schedule!
@BEE-Thanks sweetheart. Ugh. I also had only fries for dinner on Saturday. And I'm now at 204 instead of 202. But, you're right. Thank you.
@Helen-I'm dusting as we type. You are another super inspiring woman to me. I'm gonna keep going ma'am. I promise.
@susan-*sigh* I hope you spot it. You're welcome.
@Waisting Time- Good. Thank you. I'm with you babe. *hug*
@Corletta- I hear ya. I promise. Let's do this thing.
I don't really know what to say besides, I've been there myself just as plenty of other moms have. It's okay, it's all okay.
ReplyDelete((((HUGGLES))))
Epiphanies are good and bad - good in that they advance us in this life journey, bad because they make us really think, lol!
ReplyDeleteBy the way you write about your life and your daughter's illness, I can tell you are STRONG. But, you also need to give yourself a break! So - you had some syrup?
I'm sure you've heard this before: God only gives us what we can handle. And if by handling your situation, you slip with your eating, I think it's totally understandable.
I understand all about figuring out something that sets off domino effect. The last post of my blog I think said it all for me when it came to that.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest thing I have begun to do was make sure that no matter what I thought, I always remembered that whatever it was was not going to allow me to give up entirely. Keep your ultimate goal somewhere in your thoughts, no matter how far away it may seem, because hold onto it will help pull you through the darkness.
I wanted to thank you for your comments on my last post, and just let you know that I didn't give up, either, although I needed a fresh start, which meant a new blog. You're welcome to come by any time ; )
I think as moms we all have those moments. It can be emotionally exhausting. The physical I can handle much better than the emotional. Does it screw up my weight loss? Ummm....yes...almost every time...
ReplyDeleteThank you for this beautiful, insightful post. My children do not have the same challenges as yours, but I do know how hard it can be. I always say being a good mother is hard. And I have asked Heavenly Father plenty of times, "Why me?".
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is that when we mess up, we pick ourselves up and do better the next day. And we need to forgive ourselves, too.
It sounds like you are truly being refined and I admire yo for your courage.
I think no matter how bad things get they always look better in the morning of the next day.
ReplyDeleteBeing a parent is a tough job and I know that I always do my best,but some days my best is better than other days!
The same goes with my healthy lifestyle choices, some days I do better than other days.
It is the sum of all the days that counts.
I will not be defined by one action, one meal, one day or one bad thought.
I am a work in progess and trying to let go of the idea of "perfection" and focus on all the progess instead.
How many good things did you do yesterday, how many good things did you eat, how many good thoughts about your daughter ,your life, being a mom did you have?
Your blog name says it all. Journey - It is a journey not just a day or a week or even a year. I often think it's a good thing when we have days like this. Because once you hit maintenance you will have these days to look back on and remember what happened and how you handled it. It's a good thing when you look at it like that.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up - you really are doing a great job!!