Beansprout was pestering yesterday. That is really close to an onomatopoeia. Pester. Pester. Pester.
It was a beautiful day. Spring seems to have finally sprung in the northern regions of the hemisphere. It was a perfect day to go outside and just be. Soak up free Vitamin D. Watch the birds. Let Chickadee attempt to eat grass for twenty minutes. Days made for savoring.
That was when I realized something. I'm still the mom that wants to sit on the couch. I want to sit on the couch and be "too tired" or "busy" or "occupied with Chickadee". Now, I know that I have been working out a lot. This has been my in-head excuse for not being the NewAndImproved Energizer Mommy. That and we really don't want to swing the pendulum to manic. Nope, nope nope. I suppose there is the fear mixed with lazy. Sounds like a recipe. Pinch of 'a rutt' and stir with laissez faire.
I'm still attached to the mantra, "My life is too hard. Woe is me. Look at all I've been through." I was amazed to discover that I am still afraid to let that title go. I'm hooked onto the belief that things are too hard. So, of course I went outside. I sat in direct sunlight and gardened a bit. I have a postage stamp garden of flowers. Rudbeckias and bluebells and some soft fuzzy green-grey groundcover.
But then I was done. It was still a beautiful day, and it would have been awesome to go out to the park when ms THANG came home. But, I find my general activity level-assigned exercise aside-is exactly the same. I've been duping myself. I'm still green in this journey and I'm still reforming my habits. I figure at least I've found the top of the 'berg. Have you caught yourself fudging lately? What about discovering a paradigm shift?
As an aside, while I was looking for pictures for my artemisia (above) I found this: the only chiaroscuro woman I know -Pretty cool, she was the daughter of the master-so she learned to paint. But she had some bad stuff happen to her in her teens . . . as I'm sure you can tell!
Great post!
ReplyDeleteI find exercising by myself WAY easier than doing something even vaguely energetic with my boys. I feel as if they are this giant energy sucking vortex sometimes.
That being said, I DID get out for a bike ride with my 10 year old yesterday. So glad I did! But you're right, the follow through on thinking about these healthier habits is difficult sometimes.
i feel ya
ReplyDeletei sit there some days with no energy either
i keep thinking when i get to my goal weight i wont fel this way
but i dunno im always exhausted too
when i feel this way i get up and dance with my son
sometimes it actually gives me a little more energy just getting up and moving but i understand arent mom just always exhausted
Wow. I could have written a lot of your post. Really. I struggle with the whole, want-to-be-energizer-mommy AND want-to-sit-on-my-butt-mommy.
ReplyDeleteI think we all have thoughts that we need to let go. "Couch potato" is not mine. Mine is fat, frumpy, unattractive. Beat myself with it 100 times on a bad day. On a good day it's replaced with strong and powerful but those are still too few and far between.
ReplyDeleteInsert old tape. Press play. Listen to "Leslie is fat, lazy, and generally unlikeable and couldn't lose weight if she lopped off a leg or 2." Press stop. Eject tape. Stomp on that fu**er with a heavily booted foot.
ReplyDeleteI hear you - the old notions that we abide by just because they're familiar. Great post.
Your humor is great. Love it. I bet you're a fun mom. (I was definitely a fun mom, and still am.)
Girl....fudge is my middle name!!!
ReplyDeleteSomedays I'm the energizer bunny others I'm the dead battery bunny. It's a tough balance.
I tried to get to your posts tonight. It has been a crazy day getting ready for fitbloggin. THanks so much! I really appreciate you sticking by me even if I've been absent.
ReplyDeleteI could feel myself coming into a new paradigm last night, fully aware of the perspective shifts that were occurring because of a few epiphanic thoughts jostling into place. Lately I've been in a hard-to-justify slump of feeling overwrought, full of grief over the deaths and circumstances in my family that I'm not even personally going through, just "empathizing extra well" with these people and circumstances, as I like to tell myself.
ReplyDeleteI know I feel how I feel, and that I can't just erase that, so I've been trying to be patient with myself and just feel through all of this, even if I feel like I'm overreacting when I'm sobbing in bed for an hour or two in the middle of the afternoon. Feelings don't have to be completely rational. You have to deal with them no matter what the reasoning behind them is.
Anyway. I've been leaning pretty heavily on my husband and now just one close friend, and last night I realize again that even though they care about me and have been willing to do whatever they can for me (which is pretty much listen to me when I need to talk, and not chastise me for having feelings whether they're irrational or not), these people can't actually help more than that. I'm quite on my own, not including whatever supernatural help I can muster.
This thought, the intense feeling of loneliness and solitude, frightens and crushes me, just a little. I've always known this is something I need to go through to get over it, but I've been hoping somehow that these connections I have will help pull me through unscathed.
So, I guess I just need to step up a bit more. :3 Not so hard, when I write it. Just a bit more effort and I'll be okay. So, off to the gym with me, to hope it helps process some of this grief. Yay!
I love you, I think you're an excellent mom, and I didn't mean to leave you a whole blog post or email as a comment...