Family really affects my ability to function. The well being of my children is a factor, but also my extended family. I grew up knit so closely with my brothers and sisters that I think we felt like the largest living organism in the world. Not that we were the biggest family, but that we were connected together underneath just as importantly as we stood alone outside.
I depend on family. They depend on me.
We've been shaken the past year. It's been with me heavier since this weekend. My nephew died, a month and a half later my grandmother died. In May my own personal tour of Dante's Inferno began. Chickadee began losing words like they were diamonds in sand. Then skills, and finally she ended up in a rocking hell all her own for two months. In July came the diagnosis for Rett Syndrome came. We did more tests in 2009 than I ever thought possible.
But, we weren't finished. Hubbend's mother had a double mastectomy because for the third time her breast cancer was back. She is so far cancer free. Hubbend's father was not so lucky. His kidney cancer metastasized and spread. It doesn't look good. Hubbend has been there the past 3 1/2 days, and he will stay until Friday. I always add in my mind that he will come home Friday unless he is needed to stay. It really is that bad.
My point is that I am not the same with out Hubbend's support. I have a hard time parenting solo, I depend on him. My sisters did not seem to know who I was at our reunion in August. I told them I could not handle any of the fun schemes they were plotting for Family 2010. I'm usually the one heading up the fun committee. (Yes, I was not always Debbie Downer) Hubbend's family is not used to having him gone in crisis. He is the one that pulls the fighting stressed out family together with his peaceful ways. He is the one that makes them laugh.
Children affect me more than I plan. When my nephew died, and when my dream for Future Chickadee had to die, It rocked my whole world. It feels so arrogant. I expect this little child so perfect and sweet to make it to perfect adulthood. Functional, healthy and riddled with faults.
To try and wrap all these loose ends together, I got derailed. Off track. I'm still okay with that. After what I went through, I can't help but love the person who went through all that. That person has my respect, and I understand the faults that glare all too well. But, I need to support myself. In the future-though I'm not mad at my past-I don't want that to happen again. I have too many risk factors not to understand that I am at high risk for a few more tragedies. I want to handle it healthy. This is the best combination I've found yet. Healthy yummy food, challenging exercise goals, writing posts, and blogger friends. I think it's working.
What about you? What are your connections? How do they help, and how do they hinder?
On April 28, 2009, my 39 year old brother-in-law was crushed by an excavator as he was working in the yard at their new house. He left behind my baby sister, and two children ages 2 and 5. My family had not experienced a loss that close. We were so rocked we have shattered into a million pieces and have still not recovered. My sister and I got into a disagreement at Thanksgiving and haven't spoken since. We are blowing away in the wind and I don't know that anything will ever be the same. I don't even pretend to know what the answer is for me, or for you. But I understand.
ReplyDeleteMy family as well! It seems my world resolves around their lives, their ups/downs. Sometimes I dont like that, but I love them, so....
ReplyDeleteI feel for you this last year, everything you have been through...but I also see your strength, we all do, even when I dont think you see/feel it. I continue to keep you in my prayers!
my son loves our puppy
ReplyDeletethis morning he was tickiling her lol
it was too cute
they actually have therapy dogs
i think thats a great idea
i cant even explain how they interact differently with these animals than us
you should take her to see them if she does well then i would get one
it may change her life
i know its changed ours for the better and we just have a bichon poodle mix the runt of the mix but she follows him everywhere and watches out for him and they play like crazy
I do not have near the challenges you have, but my husband was in the Navy and now in the medical field. Single parenting (while married) is tough. It's draining and sucks the life out of you at times.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of your shoulders right now and it looks like the load is going to linger. I hope you have a good support system locally for yourself too. I pray that you will be provided with the added strength you need.
You do have a lot going on. Somehow, you manage to hold on and endure it. You really do amaze me. I see clients, day in and day out, that crumble under adversity; however, you become stronger. Do I think that you haven't had down times, of course not. You're human. However, the frustrations in my life seem strangely dim when I read of the ones you face day to day. The testimony of your life through your blog, if nothing else, leads me closer to the grateful spirit that I desire. "Meeting" you has blessed my life tremendously. Hang in there mama. There is a song that says...sometimes God calms the storm, other times he calms his child!
ReplyDeleteRight now, my blogger friends help me more than anyone.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea you'd been through so much. We're all here for you. You will be in my thoughts most certainly.
Keep running. It helps.
I don't know what I'd do without my family. They are my rock and get me through anything.
ReplyDeleteI have recently discovered blogging and eating healthy. It is something that I love and can focus on. It keeps my mind off of other things... I have also made wonderful friends through the blog world.
Keep blogging girl...
I know it sounds funny, but my parrot, Chicken. Besides my family and my children-she comes to my mind. In 07 I had a hysterectomy while trying to have a baby. I have 2 boys, but wanted one more then be done. I had a miscarriage and the Dr. said no more, then 2 months later I had the surgery. I was really depressed. When I brought Chicken home it was different and ridiculous at the same time. she is my little baby..
ReplyDeletemy hubby is my most important piece of the puzzle in this fight to raise our child
ReplyDeletei totally understand were you are coming from
sorry everythings all over the place today
i am just trying to get caught up on my reading lol
You are a-mazing. You are so strong it's inspiring. I struggle when my hubby is gone too. HUGS
ReplyDeleteIsn't it wacky how we change through our experiences. I never really thought how having children would change me and it makes me wonder how we changed our parents. You are a daughter of God with innate strength and goodness. Each day you are becoming closer to becoming the person he wants you to be whether it is the old you, the new you, a combo, or whomever. You have been and ever will be His child first. Hang in there. So sorry to hear about Hubbend's family. They are such good people and he really is a peaceful force.
ReplyDelete@Helen- Wow. What a loss for a family. My losses have either been at the beginning or end of life. Somehow your experience puts mine into perspective. Someone in the prime of life with a spouse and children. That is quite the ripple effect. I'm so sorry you've not been speaking with your sister. That would be such a wound in my heart. <3
ReplyDelete@Kristina- I wouldn't change it either. It's who we are, our families. Yet it affects this weight loss journey so much. So much of my schedule depends on my husband and children being predictable. That isn't so hard, is it?
@BEE- I'm so excited! Plus this way I can win the running argument with my husband-"inside or outside dog?" It has to be inside if it's a therapy dog. (Nee nee nee. that's evil laughing)
@Lisa- I don't think burdens are any lighter for anybody. We all have times when we've been run over by a truck. Thankfully, I do have a wonderful support system here. They have been bringing me dinners every single Thursday since November. Just because they want me to be able to breathe. :) Prayers are always welcome and appreciated.
@Corletta- That is totally why I read NieNie. She puts my life in perspective. But I think that all of us have our own loads whether they can be put into words easily or not. I KNOW I would pick up my bag of troubles again if we all had to put our bags in a pile.
@kathyj333- blogger friends are the best. Thanks for thinking of me. I think of you! I admire you a lot. There is more of your history available. ;) Thanks for letting me annoy you. I plan on running my butt off!
@Kristina @ Change of Pace- Don't you just love blogging? I do. I love the support and the friends it gives. Plus, I feel better supporting others too.
@Nikki- Doesn't sound funny at all. I have to be done with having a family though I wanted more. It was postpartum and the pregnancy that really sent me off the deep end and into bipolar diagnosis. So, I've been animal watching. I'm getting a bit peckish.
@BEE- Don't apologize. You DON'T have to read my old blogs! Not unless you really want to. You've had your internet off for a few days. Everyone understands! If they don't I'll write them a letter. I'm getting really good at that from dealing with dr.s and insurance. :)
@KatDoesDiets- Thank you. I can't deflect or put myself down because Corletta might come back. :) So, thank you! And, XXX to you too!
@Elizabeth- I love you! You are so sweet. I am as you say, a child of God. So are you mama. I hope you know that. I love your perspective and funny witticisms. I'll tell Hubbend, he will appreciate it. It's been difficult for him.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!
I don't really know how to respond to this post, except wow! You are one tough cookie! I know it's cliche, but this is part of a huge plan for your life...even though us humans can be very near-sighted at times. I know Chickadee also has a huge plan, even if it may be different from what you've expected.
ReplyDeleteI would also be putty without my husband...he is my rock. Other than that, just being able to vent and talk things out seems to help.
These are pretty heavy issues and I don't have answers. But I know my wife is my center and I know how unnatural it feels on the occasions when some experience takes place and I can't share it with her so I can definitely relate.
ReplyDeleteStop by my blog.. I have something for you!!! :)
ReplyDelete