WEIGHT: 210.6 (-4.4 since last week!)
BMI: 29.4 (NO LONGER OBESE, barely)
%BODY FAT: 34.01% (-9.14%!!!!)
blurb: wahoooeeee!!!!
Kathyj333 posted a comment yesterday that really got me thinking. She commented on how she really related to my profile description. The part where I say that two years of life had generally revealed the person I thought I left behind.
It struck me again. I try to be real here on my bloggy. But, there are a few elephants in the room. Since thinking about her comment, I've thought about several facts about myself that I am still trying to leave behind. Hide from. I have lost 30 pounds or more three times in my life. Each time I kept it off for at least two years. It comes back when something life altering occurs. Something negatively life altering.
BMI: 29.4 (NO LONGER OBESE, barely)
%BODY FAT: 34.01% (-9.14%!!!!)
blurb: wahoooeeee!!!!
Kathyj333 posted a comment yesterday that really got me thinking. She commented on how she really related to my profile description. The part where I say that two years of life had generally revealed the person I thought I left behind.
It struck me again. I try to be real here on my bloggy. But, there are a few elephants in the room. Since thinking about her comment, I've thought about several facts about myself that I am still trying to leave behind. Hide from. I have lost 30 pounds or more three times in my life. Each time I kept it off for at least two years. It comes back when something life altering occurs. Something negatively life altering.
FACT: I have a label I've run away from for ten years. Two years ago a doctor put it on my permanent record.
- Someone close was diagnosed with bipolar I when I was 18. Close enough biologically that I worried and took preventative measures. Close enough that each of my three children brought fears with them of postpartum psychosis.
- I lost weight. I sought counseling. I exercised. I journaled. I built a support network.
- I have never felt so betrayed.
- My future is different. Fabulous, but very different from what I'd planned.
- We get unwanted attention. We get unsolicited advice.
It makes me cry sometimesFACT: I have a messy house
- I did better before my bipolar NOS diagnosis. Now, I choose my battles with stress to win the war with anxiety.
- I feel bad about it. But-thankfully-not as badly as I used to.
- I want to be able to do everything Chickadee's 4 therapists and 7 doctors recommend.
- I want to teach Beansprout's preschool things so he'll be ready for kindergarten.
- I want to help Miss THANG become the greatest lawyer evah.
- I want to have a life.
Sounds like you have a better handle on things than you might think at times. You aren't living in denial and you are very self-aware. Those things are huge!
ReplyDeleteGreat job on the weigh in!!!! You rocked it this week!
YOU ARE AMAZING! I mean it from the bottom of my heart! Your blogs and your story truly motivate me to be a better person. You're right; WE can't do everything; however, the things that you are doing, you are DOING very well! I seriously can not explain the special place that you now have in my heart. It seriously takes a special person to admit the things in life that many run from. No more running. We have been set free. We are influenced by life, but do NOT have to be destroyed by it. Hang in there momma!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing so honestly. You have many complex situations within which you negotiate. I work in an agency that services adults with developmental delays, and we have many consumers in the Autism spectrum, as several with Retts. Given what I know, it sounds to me like you're doing remarkably well moving within the parameters of the life you've been given. I'm so glad you're here blogging away with the rest of us. You really inspire me. Your weight lost and other numbers are great! I have also gained and lost the same 30 pounds (give or take a few) more times than I care to ponder. But together we can do what we can't do alone.
ReplyDeleteAnd you bet I have elephants! I'm a recovering alcoholic with 18+ years sober. Everybody's got somethin'! We don't need to harbor shame about who we are, where we live, what we weigh. Every human has some brokeness in his/her life. At least you're putting it out there, and the truth does set us free.
You are doing great. You can identify it all, and accept it all, and still allow yourself to feel sad and frustrated and overwhelmed at times (all totally understandable).
ReplyDeleteOne of my sons had/has a sensory integration issue that was much worse when he was younger. It is on the autism spectrum, but never "big enough" for an actual diagnosis. (the book "The Out of Sync Child" helped me so much!) I have worked closely with his teachers through the years and we have helped him develop coping skills. His underlying issue will never go away...but, he has built some skills have have enabled him to do beautifully well...I am so proud of him! I worried SO much that once he hit middle school it would be game-over for him academically...but he is in 7th grade this year and has a 3.9 gpa. It makes me tear up just to think about it. He works way harder that my oldest son (who is just bright as heck and things come easy to him)....and I think that because of this....son #2 is going to have a better life long work ethic and will be able to face challenges better than son #1. Overcoming adversity makes us stronger...it gives us skills and resolve that others do not have.
(I have other elephants..but those will be for another day....)
YOU are strong. YOU have overcome many things...and you are a great Mom because you are passing these skills and strengths on to your children.
I have read a ton lately about gluten, as you know from my blog. I have a nephew with Aspergers (and several other issues) and he has improved quite a bit when he went off gluten. I guess it is similar in Retts..have you read anything on it? I swear...gluten screws SO many of us up by blocking nutrients and making it so our brains and bodies do not function well. Crazy stuff.
I know this puts me into the "unsolicited advice" category..but because I have been reading so much about this...I'm going to share anyway.
Here are a couple articles I found about gluten and retts, and also gluten and bipolar:
http://aut.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/10/2/189
http://www.sciencedaily.com/articles/g/gluten-free,_casein-free_diet.htm
http://www.fightingfatigue.org/?p=8158
http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/41/1689/celiac-disease/
You guys are about to make me cry. But I will persevere! ;)
ReplyDelete@FitMommy-My self-awareness is something I work hard on, so thank you. Also, Yay for success. Yay!
@Corletta- You are SO extremely uplifting. I could end it there forever. Corletta is uplifting. THank you for making this blogosphere such a healing place for me. You, my friend, started it all!
@Leslie- Thank you. It is always nice to 'chat with someone who doesn't need an explanation of Rett. Sometimes it can be exhausting emotionally. I'm glad you're here to help as we find our way toward a permanent change. Not perfect, but better than we were.
@Greta from BigBottomBlogger- Thank you so much for your validation. I am SO proud of your son's 3.9!! and I'm even more proud of you for helping him get there. I hope you get that new buttprint by the way! The unsolicited advice is more like the greeter @ wallyworld telling me she thought my daughter had lice because she was "hitting" her hand to her head so much. I appreciate the information, and I'm glad I have it here to refer to. That took some time, and I KNOW you're busy. Thank you. I have to pass any change in diet by the nuero, dietician, speech, and Ped. She is off all solids and doesn't get much in the way of typical gluten. But I will look into it. As for me ... I'm kicking my sugar habit for now. Gluten will have to wait :) THanks again!
But what if you found out that gluten was blocking your body from absorbing nutrients you needed?? Just a thought....will say no more. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd...I just read your comment over on my blog. Those arm exercises could easily be done with 5 pound dumbbells or 10 pounders!! But, I bet you could handle even heavier, if you tried. Try...see what happens. You might surprise yourself. :)
(I am sure pushy today, huh?)
@Greta from www.bigbottomblogger.blogspot.com-Baby steps, Greta, baby steps! I love that you checked back! I promise, I'm looking into it. I just have to take things very slowly, given all of the elephants in my life. Don't want Chickadee or Mr.Psycho to bite me later. But I am looking and I am researching it. If I find out the nutrients are getting blocked, I will do something about it!
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, as tall as I (we) am I could easily handle 10+ pounds. I hope anyway. Lugging around an immobile 28 pound girl ought to give me SOME strength. I hope!
You know, your presence and spirit to push forward always has astounded me. I think for a long time I was always afraid of you and that live-strong mentality that you have. Maybe you don't notice it as much as I did in the beginning, but, I realized that its not something to be afraid of - its something to be cherished, loved and adored. Its who you are that makes being around you so contagious. I never realized the extent of your strength, dealing with mental health issues personally and within the lives of your children. You are a powerful representation of someone learning to overcome life's biggest struggles - yet at the same time being humbled by the experience.
ReplyDeleteIt may take a bit to get where we want to be, but instead of giving ourselves excuses why we can't get there, lets move forward and give ourselves a reason to succeed. You have already had triumphant success in other areas of your life - now its time to tackle this small tumbling block in your life. I'll be happy to keep that going!
The way you write with such eloquence about your "elephants" is just amazing. All of our experiences shape who we are. I think it is such a great thing to embrace things that others see as not ideal, because it has shaped the exact person you have become. If you lose that piece, you wouldn't be you.
ReplyDeleteOoops..forgot to comment on the weight loss..
ReplyDeleteGreat job :)
Awesome job on the weigh in!
ReplyDeleteMy whole genetic line is nuts, lol, sorry that's not very pc. But I refuse to let that come on me. I'm just saying I understand.
Have you tried flylady.net? You have to be careful not to get too wrapped up in all her emails and everything, maybe her book is best. She's big on routines. It helps. If my house gets out of control it affects my attitude greatly. When I clear out the clutter I can breathe, focus, function.
Just because you haven't mentioned those things here, doesn't mean they're elephants in the room - you're obviously well aware of the challenges in your life.
ReplyDeleteMy house is a mess, too! But I'd rather spend time with my girls then scrub my floor. I try to keep it from being disgusting, but I know it will never be spotless - and I've come to accept it.
It's all about choices, you know? We can choose to lament the cards we've been dealt, or we can rise up and accept the challenges (as you are doing).
@Krista1983- Thank you. I'm glad I'm not too scary anymore. :P Actually, it's a huge compliment to me that you think I'm a powerful representation of someone learning to overcome life's biggest struggles - yet at the same time being humbled by the experience. I've not thought of it in those terms. Still don't but it's soooo good to hear it, and know that you truly think it is so!
ReplyDelete@Lisa "One Mom's Weight Loss"-You put things well and succinctly. I won't be me without these pieces. You are exactly right. Maybe that's why I'm parading my elephants!
@KatDoesDiets-I love that you're being un-pc. I'm a closeted bipolar. VERY. Nine people know that I have it. It's the biggest reason I'm anonymous here. Thanks for joking. That's how I cope.
@Jenn-Yay! It makes me calm inside to think about letting go of complete control in my house. It is a much healthier, happier place for my family and me. I can clean like nobody's business, but like you I chose to spend quality time with my kids. I'm not one of those people (like Kat and Lisa) who can balance that. I turn into a neurotic witch. I and I look with wrath on any who disturb my . . . Oh, wait. I'm not doing that anymore!
I read this post and I want to thank you for sharing such intimate parts of your life. I think its wonderful how bloggin allows us to connect, identify and support one another. I have a nice who was recently diagnosed with bi-polar and they just can't get the meds right. I offered to care for her children so that she could be hospitalized and get her meds right... it's so challenging. I think this runs in my family as I have a sister who was diagnosed with same. Your post touched me to the core. Thank you again for your honesty.
ReplyDelete@Paula Rodriguez- I get teary just thinking about you offering to help with your niece's children. It is so difficult for everyone involved. The children, the extended family, spouses, and the person. It's not just one person. The ripples effect so many. I am really really glad you offered her support. That is such a huge thing to do . . .
ReplyDeleteFirst of all...congrats on the weight loss! I am on the brink of getting out of "obese", too! Never would I imagine that I would see a day when I was happy to be overweight instead of obese, haha! Second, that takes a strong person to be as brutally honest and to just put it all out there like you did. Each one of those facts definitely play a role in weight loss, and why it can be so freaking hard sometimes. I identify with the bi-polar disorder...reading that was like reading about myself and my fears. My mother is bi-polar, but was never diagnosed with it until she had me and she was going through all of her post-pardom depression...but they realized something was up when she never really got over it. I've always been terrified that I'll "get" it one day when I have kids...it's like this dark cloud that looms over my head. You, in contrast to my mom, keep pushing through and I can tell that you do your very best to not let it be a label and not let it define who you are. Reading this makes me feel like there is hope, if that ever becomes the case! Thanks for sharing...you rock!!
ReplyDelete@Julie V.- I was VERY unusual. Usually you have it pre-25. So, I just looked at your profile and the odds are in your favor. :) Also, you are doing wonderful things to improve your mental health just by trying to be healthy. Losing weight, journaling, exercise. All those things have been studied and shown to help.
ReplyDeleteIf the meteor strikes you too, (ahhhhhhh) just keep swimming.
congrats on the 4 pound loss
ReplyDelete