Whose body is this? Who took away all my hard work? The last time I saw this body was in 2005, when I swore I would never see it again. Who is talking like that to my kids? I took parenting classes, read books, and listened to constructive criticism. I know how to be an assertive, authoritative, excellent parent. This can’t be me, I’ve worked so hard NOT to be this.
The point is that it has happened. The medication they gave me in the psych hospital had me gain from 175 pounds to 195 in two weeks. TWO WEEKS! It took me a year to get off forty pounds from June 2005 to June 2006. I kept it off, including through a pregnancy, ending my pregnancy at 217 lbs. which was less than I had started losing weight at. Post-partum I did excellent until falling off the deep end psychologically seven months later. I entered the hospital at 175 and I was lactating.
Contributing stressors, such as baby regressing into a permanent disability, a husband with a furloughed income and no real prospects of another job, heinous travel schedules, and three deaths in the family contributed the rest of the weight, including another 5-10 pounds of medication induced weight.
To me, the weight symbolizes when my life got derailed. When I surrendered my self discipline to cope with so much chaos, denial, and grief. I was as upset about my mental illness as I was about the medical weight gain, simply because it was so difficult to lose the first time and it did not come off as easily as the medicine put it on. I did not have the energy to hoist myself out of the weight when I’d already been knocked down by psychosis.
My baby was a contributing factor to my psychosis. I noticed several things I was very worried about. Nobody believed me. My husband, my mother, her doctor, No one. Feeding was difficult. Pooping was difficult. Support was nonexistent. “Oh, you’re so amazing. You can do this.” Not that I would have been able to accept help from strangers.
But, things feel different now. My husband and I have worked out many difficult problems in our marriage, and are getting closer to our goals. My church is being amazing. I have Facebook to keep me in touch with 150 of my closest friends. I feel stronger now.
So, here’s to commitment, public embarrassment, and other such things. In one year, I hope to kick this thing.
You are amazing. It's been rough, but I know you have the tools and willpower to conquer what you need to.
ReplyDeleteHey...I am going to follow your blog, too. Hang in there. One day at a time! And...this might sound totally weird...but eating enough protein can help SO MUCH with mental outlook, cravings, stress, etc. So can vitamin D. Email me for more info if you like...or scroll around in my blog. I've been on this journey for a while now...and it is NOT my first one..but WILL be my last darn one. !! :)
ReplyDeleteI wish that there was something I could say to make things easier for you. Often people underestimate the stress involved with raising a child with a disability. I've heard it said that God only gives us what we can handle. IMO, sometimes, that isn't the case. You have a lot on your plate, but there is a wonderful community out there ready and willing to listen. All the best.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and I can definitely relate to your struggles. I'm looking forward to reading about all of your victories!
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