Fighting for Control

So, it is Sunday. I am feeling late.

I want to share how this blog came about and how I feel about Sunday. I believe in fasting for spiritual benefit. I fast the first Sunday of every month, for around 24 hours. Then, I give the money I've saved on food to my church. It's something we do there. I usually dedicate each fast to some specific problem I'm facing in my life, or in behalf of someone in my life and pray for help.

January the third I'd been thinking about my weight, and honestly I'd been trying. I have my calendar to prove it.

It has all the days on it that I've run. I look at it sparingly, because it reminds me of all the terrible things that happened last year. When I looked at it on New Year's Eve, I saw all the days of exercise missing. My eyes burned and my tongue lumped in my throat. They were they days that my grandma died, when my 8 month old nephew died, and my other grandma died. They are the days we went to see my father-in-law who has terminal cancer. The hospital visits that stretched into days when doctors were testing my daughter.

Worst of all, the empty spaces on the calendar are the days I saw my daughter failing. When she stopped saying Ma-ma, when she lost use of one hand, when she couldn't use the walker anymore, and lastly the weeks of crying anguish when she lost the use of her last hand. Last year, there were a lot of empty days on that exercise calender.

I've decided it's time to admit it. I'm not in control. I can't promise that I will never have another psychosis. I'm doing my best, but I was then too. I can't promise that nothing bad is going to happen to my family. I know for a fact that they will. My life. It is not an easy one.

But to return to my point, when I went to church fasting on January 3rd, every single talk, lesson, and story seemed directed at me. They were about hope, determination, and yes the women's meeting was about physical health. By my simple definition, my prayers were answered. So, with the help of something I learned when I was twelve, I'm pretty sure this time it's gonna take. Because:

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me, and I love Him.